WIBTAH For Hiding My Plans From My Mom?

WIBTAH for Hiding My Plans from My Mom?

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Caught Between Two Worlds: A Teen’s Dilemma

At just 17, a high-achieving student faces an impossible choice: stay in a crowded home to support her mother and siblings or pursue her dreams at an out-of-state university. With a supportive aunt and a loving stepfamily backing her, she grapples with the fear of her mother’s wrath if she reveals her plans to move. This relatable story highlights the struggle many young adults face when balancing family obligations with personal aspirations, especially in a complex family dynamic. Will she prioritize her future or remain tethered to her past?

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Dilemma Before Graduation

A 17-year-old student, who is about to turn 18, finds herself in a complicated family situation as she prepares for her future. Here’s a breakdown of her story:

Background:
- She is the third of eight children, with a crowded household.
- She is graduating as valedictorian and is applying to out-of-state colleges.
- Her mother insists she stay local to babysit her siblings and contribute financially.
Aunt’s Support:
- The student has been meeting with her Aunt Mary, who has no children and is financially successful.
- Aunt Mary has been generous, providing her with significant financial support and assistance with college applications.
- She has a trust fund set aside specifically for her, excluding her half-siblings due to complicated family dynamics.
Family Dynamics:
- The student’s parents divorced when she was younger, and she spent summers with her father in Virginia.
- Her mother remarried her affair partner, leading to a move to Nevada.
- Her father’s wife, Laurie, has been supportive and treats her like a daughter.
- Laurie has offered to help her establish a dog training business, which she has been running since age 12.
Future Plans:
- The student plans to attend Georgetown University for Business Management and Business Law.
- She intends to move back to Virginia after graduation, where her father and Laurie have offered her a place to live.
- Her grandparents also live nearby and have a large house that she will eventually inherit.
The Dilemma:
- The student has not disclosed her plans to her mother, who expects her to stay in Nevada and support the family.
- She fears that if her mother learns of her intentions, it will lead to significant conflict, as her mother despises her father.
- She feels guilty about hiding her plans but believes her mother will try to sabotage her future.

In light of this family drama, the student is left questioning whether she would be in the wrong for not informing her mother of her plans and simply leaving when the time comes. The situation highlights the complexities of family relationships and the challenges of conflict resolution as she navigates her path toward independence and success.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

I wasn’t sure if I should post this here or in r/entitledparents, but let me know if there’s a better fit.

A bit of background to help make sense of my situation: I’m 17, turning 18 at the end of the month, and the third of eight children with two more on the way. Our ages range from 29 to 2. As you can imagine, our house is very crowded.

I’ve been working on my college applications for out-of-state schools because, aside from the house being packed, I’m graduating valedictorian, and I want to be able to fully focus on my education. My mom, however, is demanding that I stay local so I can babysit my siblings while also paying rent, utilities, and groceries for the entire family.

Here’s where things get complicated.

I’ve been meeting a couple of times a week with my mom’s older sister, Aunt Mary. She never had kids, has done very well for herself in investments, and—having witnessed firsthand how I am mistreated, lied to, and ignored—she has been incredibly generous toward me. She gives me money—not just small bills, but 50s and 100s—and has also been helping me apply to colleges. That’s when she told me that she has a sizable trust fund set aside specifically for me.

She isn’t including my half-siblings in this because my mom cheated on my dad, and the situation surrounding my birth and their births is complicated, to say the least.

For additional context: My parents divorced when I was younger, and as part of the custody agreement, I spent all my summer and winter breaks with my dad in Virginia. When my mom remarried her AP affair partner, she moved us all across the country to Nevada. AP has tried to assert himself as my only dad, which has made things even worse.

Meanwhile, my dad’s wife, Laurie, has been nothing but amazing to me. She has always treated me as her own daughter and even takes me out for girls’ days. She owns a dog training business and has offered to help me become certified and set up my own business—legally trademarks, certifications, etc. I’ve been running a small business since I was 12, walking neighborhood dogs, and I also work part-time at a pet shop as a groomer. My ultimate goal is to expand my business to include training and grooming full-time once I graduate.

So here’s where my dilemma comes in.

What My Mom Does Know

That I started my own business.

What My Mom Doesn’t Know

That my aunt has been giving me money.
That I have a trust fund.
That I have already made plans to attend Georgetown University for Business Management and Business Law near my dad’s home.
That I plan to move to Virginia after graduation.

My dad and Laurie have already offered me a place to live, as have my grandparents, who live nearby in a large house—a house that I recently found out I’ll eventually inherit.

My dad and Laurie’s two kids, 5M and 4F, are incredibly sweet and understanding, even bringing me snacks and drinks while I study. If they want to ask me something while I’m studying, they write it on a dry-erase board instead of interrupting me.

Now, here’s the problem.

If my mom finds out that I’m moving back to Virginia, all hell will break loose because she despises my dad for reasons I don’t even fully understand. She expects me to stay in Nevada, babysit, pay bills, and sacrifice my future for her new family.

Would I be the ahole if I didn’t tell her my plans and just left when the time comes?

I feel guilty hiding it, but I also know she will do everything in her power to sabotage me.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the individual is not at fault (NTA) for wanting to leave their mother’s home and pursue their own life. Many users emphasize the importance of prioritizing personal well-being and independence, warning against the mother’s manipulative behavior and the potential for being parentified. The advice centers around securing important documents, monitoring credit, and ensuring a safe exit strategy, highlighting the need for self-care and caution in dealing with a toxic family dynamic.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Navigating family dynamics, especially during significant life transitions like graduation, can be incredibly challenging. Here are some practical steps for the student to consider, addressing both her needs and her mother’s perspective.

Steps for the Student

Prioritize Your Well-Being: Remember that your mental and emotional health is paramount. Pursuing your education and independence is a valid goal.
Secure Important Documents: Before making any announcements, ensure that you have all necessary documents (e.g., birth certificate, social security card, financial aid paperwork) in a safe place.
Develop a Support System: Continue to lean on Aunt Mary and your father for emotional and financial support. They can provide guidance and reassurance as you navigate this transition.
Create a Plan: Outline your steps for moving to Virginia, including housing, finances, and college preparations. Having a clear plan can help alleviate anxiety.
Consider Timing: Think about when and how to disclose your plans to your mother. Choose a time when she is calm and open to discussion, and be prepared for a range of reactions.

Steps for the Mother

Reflect on Your Expectations: Consider the impact of your expectations on your child’s future. Understand that supporting her independence can lead to a healthier relationship.
Open Communication: Encourage an open dialogue with your child. Ask her about her plans and listen without judgment. This can foster trust and understanding.
Seek Support: If you’re struggling with feelings of abandonment or resentment, consider speaking with a therapist or counselor. They can help you process these emotions constructively.
Recognize Her Achievements: Celebrate your child’s accomplishments, such as being valedictorian. Acknowledging her hard work can help you both feel more connected.
Explore Compromise: Discuss potential ways she can contribute to the family while still pursuing her goals. Finding a middle ground can ease tensions and foster cooperation.

Conclusion

Family conflicts can be complex and emotionally charged. By taking proactive steps and fostering open communication, both the student and her mother can work towards a resolution that respects the student’s aspirations while addressing the mother’s concerns. Remember, it’s essential to approach these discussions with empathy and understanding, recognizing that both parties have valid feelings and needs.