WIBTA To Force A Serious Talk To Discuss Potential Divorce With My Wife Of 12 Years Regarding Children?

WIBTA to force a serious talk to discuss potential divorce with my wife of 12 years regarding children?

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

When Love and Dreams Collide

In a heart-wrenching dilemma, a man grapples with the aftermath of a traumatic brain injury that has altered his life goals and desires, particularly regarding fatherhood. Once eager to become a dad, he now fears he may never be able to fulfill that dream, leaving him torn between his love for his wife and her longing for children. As he reflects on the sacrifices she made during his recovery, he wrestles with the guilt of potentially holding her back from her own happiness. This story resonates with anyone who has faced unexpected life changes and the difficult conversations that come with them.

Family Drama: A Husband’s Dilemma

A husband grapples with a significant change in his life goals following a traumatic brain injury, leading to a conflict with his wife over their future plans for children. The situation has created tension in their marriage, raising questions about love, compromise, and the potential for conflict resolution.

Background: The husband has always wanted children, influenced by his upbringing as the eldest sibling after his father’s sudden death. He took on caregiving responsibilities early in life, which shaped his desire to be a father.
Life-Altering Event: A traumatic brain injury changed everything for him. His recovery involved intense therapy, and he struggled with emotional regulation and memory issues, leading to a shift in his identity and aspirations.
Changing Desires: As he began to recover, he realized that his desire for children had diminished. The once strong urge to become a father was replaced by fear and uncertainty about his ability to handle the responsibilities of parenthood.
Wife’s Perspective: His wife, who has supported him through his recovery, still holds onto the dream of becoming a mother. She believes that his feelings are temporary and that he will eventually want children.
Communication Breakdown: Attempts to discuss his changing feelings about parenthood have been met with resistance. The husband feels guilty for potentially wasting his wife’s time and dreams, fearing that their differing desires could lead to a painful decision.
Emotional Conflict: The husband struggles with feelings of shame and guilt, knowing how much his wife has sacrificed for him. He worries that he cannot fulfill her dreams of motherhood, which adds to the tension in their relationship.
Need for Resolution: He recognizes the importance of having an honest conversation about their future. However, he fears that discussing the possibility of not having children could lead to a significant conflict or even the end of their marriage.

The husband is at a crossroads, torn between his love for his wife and the realization that their life goals may no longer align. He understands that a frank discussion is necessary for conflict resolution, but he is apprehensive about the potential fallout. The couple’s future hangs in the balance as they navigate this complex family drama.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

I already feel disgustingly shameful and guilty. I love my wife. That’s why every hour that goes by, I know that I’m wasting her time, holding her to me selfishly.

The last time I tried to broach this was a week ago, but I don’t think it was a productive conversation at all. I can remember how much I wanted kids. I’m not talking about a young man thinking about sowing my oats for a legacy or liking the idea of parenting but not the realities of it.

When I was young, my father died suddenly, so my mother had to work her ass off to afford three kids and a lot of medical debt. As the oldest, I had to step in to take care of the house and us kids while she worked. Even though it was stressful, I remember enjoying it more often than not; I got to be known in the neighborhood as a reliable babysitter.

When my youngest sister got pregnant, I didn’t go to college for two years so I could stay home and take care of her baby while she graduated. I liked being a caregiver long before I sat down with myself with some life experience and decided that was a nonnegotiable part of my life plans. I can remember how much needing to have children was a dealbreaker for me, up to only a few years ago, but that’s the issue.

A few years ago, I had a traumatic brain injury that destroyed me. As a general rule, depending on many factors, and no TBI is the same path, recovery can look like being completely comatose, then being physically there but completely gone mentally, then comatose again, then some version of you is there but they are angry, scared, and don’t remember anything.

Your thoughts are like wet tissue paper, and then, finally, you start to become you again. Or at least a version of you that might need help relearning how to move your body and still struggles with encoding memories. Oh my god, all your patience is gone. Completely gone.

I was never a man to scream or lose my cool before my head injury, but since then, I’ve had to practice—really practice—controlling my temper. I know it was never this hard before; I hate it. I hate that my immediate reaction to dropping my keys is to want to scream and storm off like a toddler; I hate how much harder it is to regulate my emotions now.

For a majority of my recovery, my very difficult-to-wrangle attention was focused on occupational therapy, physical therapy, trying to get back to being capable of work, and eventually back to passably normal. I want to be the man my wife married and allow her to stop being a nursemaid to a grown-ass man who forgot far too often not to try to keep taking doses of Tylenol because my head hurt.

I would yell at her because she would insist I had to eat, but I thought I had already, and my meds made me nauseated, so I wouldn’t eat. But the more I reestablish myself as a person once more, the more I realize my goals are different than before. It’s like having to dig into everything you thought you knew about yourself and having to check twice.

From small things, like not liking the same music and hating steamed fish now, to as big as my former career passion being beyond my ability to focus as a job, my dream of being a father is gone. I feel like a monster for considering insisting on this talk, as it’s basically a one or the other discussion. You can’t have half a child.

Especially because of all she’s done for me, but the fact I love her means I know she can’t be happy without being a mom. I am scared now to be a dad; I don’t have the patience to handle normal life, let alone being constantly sleep-deprived, which worsens my ongoing memory and agitation issues. I don’t even want to be a dad anymore. It’s like that driving urge and desire is gone.

I’ve tried a few times bringing it up to her how I’m hesitant to start trying for a child, how I don’t think it’s what I want anymore, and how I am afraid to be a father with my health change. But she keeps telling me that I only feel this way for now, but I’ll change my tune again if I give myself some time. I’ve tried pushing and asking what we will do if a year, two, or five pass, but my mind is the same.

What then? She said we don’t have to talk about that yet. But what if I don’t change my mind back? That’s just more of her life I’ve wasted by making her wait for me.

Not only that, she helped me through my recovery. More than helped. She carried me. We’ve been together for 16 years, married for 12; she wiped my fucking ass for me, and now, I am considering not letting us hold off anymore about a problem that has one of two outcomes: she gives up on her dream, or we divorce because she wants children and didn’t want to compromise on that, and I don’t want them anymore.

I can’t help feeling I’ve wasted years of her life. We had the same plan going into this, but now I don’t want the same things as her. I can’t make her fully happy; I can’t be the father of her children. There is love, but I know how important being a mom is to her.

Again, when I try to tell her my fears, I am less insistent than I should be, or else she would listen to me. I think we need to have this talk without me letting it go when she gives me pushback about talking about it.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments emphasize the importance of open communication and seeking professional help in navigating complex feelings about parenthood. Many users suggest that both partners should engage in therapy to explore their desires and fears, highlighting that dreams can change and that the decision to have children should be mutual. Overall, the consensus is that the relationship should be prioritized, and both individuals should have the opportunity to express their needs and feelings.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

Navigating the complexities of changing life goals, especially after a traumatic event, can be incredibly challenging for both partners. Here are some practical steps to help the husband and wife address their differing desires regarding parenthood while prioritizing their relationship.

Steps for Open Communication

Schedule a Dedicated Time for Discussion: Choose a calm and private setting where both partners can talk without distractions. Setting aside specific time for this conversation can help both feel more prepared and less pressured.
Practice Active Listening: Each partner should take turns expressing their feelings and desires without interruption. This ensures that both sides feel heard and valued, which is crucial for understanding each other’s perspectives.
Express Emotions Honestly: The husband should share his fears and uncertainties about parenthood, while the wife should communicate her hopes and dreams. Honesty about emotions can foster empathy and connection.

Seeking Professional Help

Engage in Couples Therapy: A therapist can provide a safe space for both partners to explore their feelings and facilitate constructive conversations. Therapy can help them navigate their emotional landscape and find common ground.
Individual Therapy: Both partners may benefit from individual therapy to address personal feelings of guilt, shame, or fear. This can help them process their emotions and gain clarity on their desires.

Exploring Alternatives

Discuss Alternative Family Structures: If the husband is uncertain about traditional parenthood, they could explore options like fostering, adoption, or being involved in the lives of nieces, nephews, or friends’ children.
Consider a Timeline: They might agree on a timeline to revisit the conversation about children. This allows the husband to continue his recovery while giving the wife hope that they can reassess their desires in the future.

Prioritizing the Relationship

Ultimately, both partners should remember that their relationship is the foundation of their family. They should focus on nurturing their bond, regardless of whether they decide to have children. Here are some ways to strengthen their relationship:

Engage in Shared Activities: Spend quality time together doing things they both enjoy. This can help reinforce their connection and remind them of their love for each other.
Practice Gratitude: Regularly express appreciation for each other’s support and sacrifices. Acknowledging each other’s efforts can foster a positive atmosphere in their relationship.

By taking these steps, the couple can work towards understanding each other’s needs and desires, ultimately leading to a resolution that honors both partners’ feelings and strengthens their relationship.