WIBTA If I Told My Daughter To Keep The Cash And Send Back The Empty Card?

WIBTA if I told my daughter to keep the cash and send back the empty card?

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

When Family Ties Fray: A Daughter’s Choice

In a heart-wrenching tale of familial neglect, a 13-year-old girl named Melody grapples with the decision to sever ties with her absentee father, Chad, who has consistently favored her brother and failed to provide her with basic emotional support. As Melody navigates the complexities of her relationship with her dad, she finds strength in her boundaries and the support of her loving family. The story raises thought-provoking questions about parental responsibility and the impact of favoritism, making it relatable to anyone who has experienced the challenges of family dynamics in the U.S.

Absentee Parenting: The struggle of children feeling neglected by one parent.
Favoritism: The emotional toll of being the less favored child.
Setting Boundaries: The importance of self-respect and mental health.

Family Drama Over Christmas: A Daughter’s Choice

In a complex family situation, a mother reflects on her daughter Melody’s decision to distance herself from her biological father, Chad. The story highlights the ongoing family drama and the challenges of conflict resolution in their relationship.

Background:
- Melody, 13, has chosen not to have a relationship with her father, Chad, 37.
- Chad and the mother separated when Melody was 2, and her brother Rory was almost 4.
- Chad showed minimal interest in parenting, often prioritizing his social life over his children.
Parental Neglect:
- Despite invitations to family events, Chad and his family rarely attended.
- Chad’s favoritism towards Rory was evident, leading to feelings of neglect for Melody.
- Melody expressed discomfort sharing a room with her brother, which Chad dismissed.
Escalation of Issues:
- During the pandemic, Chad’s visits became infrequent, and he continued to prioritize Rory.
- Melody faced unfair treatment, including sharing a room without privacy and receiving less attention and resources.
- After voicing her concerns, Melody decided not to return to Chad’s house due to inadequate living conditions.
Current Situation:
- Three years later, Chad has not made any effort to reconnect with Melody.
- Melody has found support from her therapist, friends, and step-dad, establishing healthy boundaries.
- Chad’s attempts to reach out have been met with indifference from Melody, who feels justified in her decision.
Christmas Conflict:
- Recently, Chad invited Melody to Christmas Eve, but she declined, leading to guilt-tripping attempts from him and his family.
- Melody firmly stood her ground, expressing her feelings about their lack of effort over the years.
- After receiving a Christmas card with a $50 gift card from Chad, the mother contemplated how to advise Melody regarding the gift.

The mother is torn between encouraging Melody to send the card back unopened or to keep the gift card and return the empty card. This situation raises questions about the dynamics of family relationships and the importance of conflict resolution in the face of ongoing family drama.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

My 36f daughter Melody 13f has chosen to not have a relationship with her bio-dad Chad 37m.

Backstory- Chad and I separated when Melody was 2, and her brother Rory 14m was almost 4. Right from the beginning, Chad had minimal interest in being involved as a parent.

I would invite him and his family—parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc.—to school events, holiday celebrations, and birthday parties, but no one would come, so eventually, the invitations stopped. Chad would take the kids some weekends when he didn’t have more important plans with his friends. He never reached out to them via phone or stopped to see them.

Also, Rory has always been Chad’s blatant favorite. When Melody was 6, she came home after one weekend and cried that she couldn’t sleep at Chad’s house because the room she shared with Rory was too dark and she was afraid. When I contacted Chad to tell him, his answer was, “I don’t have an outlet in that room.”

Almost a year later, on Thanksgiving—my holiday, not his—the kids didn’t want to go to his house because they wanted to stay at their grandparents and play with their similarly aged cousins. I told them that if they didn’t want to go, they had to call Chad and tell him themselves. Chad was pissy about it and tried to guilt trip them over the phone.

A few minutes later, Melody changed her mind and said she DID want to go. She quickly called Chad back, and he told her, “If your brother doesn’t want to come, then don’t bother.” It was at that point that Melody started to notice the imbalance and started going to Chad’s less frequently.

During Covid, he went months without seeing them. When he did, they always did things that Rory wanted to do. Trips to trampoline parks and arcades and dinners out only happened on weekends that only Rory had gone to Chad’s.

Rory got tablets and video game consoles, dirt bikes, and quads. She didn’t. Melody was often punished for Rory’s messes. Chad didn’t keep correctly sized clothes for Melody, but Rory had new clothes.

Eventually, Melody brought to my attention that she was, at 10, still sharing a room with her 12-year-old brother and that she had no privacy, and their bedroom didn’t even have a door. At that point, I told Chad that the living quarters were unacceptable and that Melody would not be returning to his house until he provided her with a separate bedroom and age-appropriate privacy.

He assured us that he would fix the problem by at least having Rory sleep out in the living room for the upcoming weekend until he could make a more permanent solution. When they came home that Sunday, she let me know that no effort was made to provide her with appropriate accommodations and that she was not going to be going back.

That was three years ago. Since then, Chad has taken Rory almost every weekend and dropped him off at home at the end of every visit. He has never once tried to see or speak to Melody during drop-offs.

He has texted her less than a half a dozen times, with one of those times being a string of messages blaming me, his new in-laws, and even Melody for why he doesn’t have a relationship with her. He hasn’t acknowledged her birthdays. When Chad got into an accident, he didn’t bother to reach out to either of the kids to let them know he was okay or that he was thinking about them.

None of the people on Chad’s side of the family have tried to maintain a relationship with her either. Back to the present, Melody is handling the whole situation well, with the support of her therapist, friends, step-dad, and our side of the family. She has set boundaries respectfully and has held them.

She is fine with Chad not making an effort because it makes going low contact super easy. About a week ago, Chad reached out to Melody, asking if she was coming for Christmas Eve. She told him that she was not, and he tried to guilt trip her into going.

When she stayed firm, he had his father, Big Chad, message her asking her to come. She reiterated that she was not interested. Next, Big Chad’s wife messaged her, asking, “Where have you been, girl? I heard you’re not coming for Christmas. What can we do to change your mind?”

Melody vented to me about the absurdity of the text and that she’s been in the same place for the past three years, with the same number, and that “if they wanted to, they would.” She blocked Chad and stopped responding to the others.

Today, when I dropped Rory off at Chad’s for their Christmas Eve stuff, Rory came running back to the car with an envelope with Melody’s name on it. I sent a picture of the envelope to Melody and then gave the envelope to her when I returned home.

I was tempted to encourage her to send it back unopened. Then, I thought how petty and justified it would be to have her open it, take the money out—it ended up being a $50 Visa gift card—and mail back the empty Christmas card.

So, WIBTA if I suggested to her to send the card back to Chad? Would I be a bigger AH if I encouraged her to keep the $50 gift card and send back the empty card?

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments emphasize the importance of allowing Melody to make her own decisions regarding her relationship with her father, advocating for her autonomy and emotional healing. Many users criticize the ex-partner’s favoritism towards the son and suggest that the parent should address this imbalance rather than interfere in Melody’s choices. Overall, the consensus is that the parent should support Melody without imposing their own feelings or desires on her situation.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Family dynamics can be incredibly complex, especially when it comes to issues of neglect and favoritism. In this situation, it’s essential to approach the conflict with empathy and understanding for both Melody and Chad. Here are some practical steps to help navigate this sensitive issue:

For Melody

Validate Her Feelings: Encourage Melody to express her emotions about her relationship with her father. It’s important for her to feel heard and understood.
Maintain Boundaries: Support her decision to distance herself from Chad if that is what she feels is best for her mental health. Reinforce that it’s okay to prioritize her well-being.
Consider the Gift: Discuss the gift card with her. If she feels uncomfortable accepting it, help her articulate her feelings in a way that feels right for her, whether that means returning it or keeping it as a symbol of her autonomy.
Encourage Open Communication: If she feels ready, suggest that she write a letter to Chad expressing her feelings about their relationship. This can be a therapeutic exercise, regardless of whether she chooses to send it.

For the Mother

Support Melody’s Choices: Reassure Melody that her feelings are valid and that she has the right to make her own decisions regarding her relationship with Chad.
Address Favoritism: Consider having a conversation with Chad about the impact of his favoritism on Melody. This should be approached delicately, focusing on the importance of equitable treatment for both children.
Encourage Professional Support: If Melody is seeing a therapist, encourage her to continue this support. Professional guidance can help her navigate her feelings and decisions regarding her father.
Model Healthy Boundaries: Demonstrate to Melody how to set and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships. This will empower her to advocate for herself in the future.

For Chad

Reflect on His Actions: Chad should take time to consider how his past behavior has affected his relationship with Melody. Acknowledging his shortcomings is the first step toward rebuilding trust.
Reach Out with Empathy: If Chad wishes to reconnect, he should approach Melody with empathy and understanding, acknowledging her feelings and the hurt he may have caused.
Be Patient: Rebuilding a relationship takes time. Chad should be prepared for the possibility that Melody may need space before she is ready to engage with him again.
Seek Guidance: Chad might benefit from speaking with a therapist himself to understand his parenting style and how to improve his relationship with both children.

Ultimately, the goal is to foster an environment where Melody feels safe and supported in her choices, while also encouraging Chad to reflect on his role as a father. Open communication, empathy, and respect for boundaries are key components in resolving this family conflict.