WIBTA If I Rejected My Sons Christmas Gift From My MIL

WIBTA if I rejected my sons Christmas gift from my MIL

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Family Tensions and Unwanted Gifts: A Mother’s Dilemma

In a heart-wrenching tale of family dynamics, a new mother grapples with her mother-in-law’s cold indifference and exclusion from family events. After years of struggle with infertility and a cancer diagnosis, she finally welcomes her son into the world, only to feel overshadowed and unappreciated by her husband’s family. As her mother-in-law plans her own birthday celebration on the same weekend as her son’s first birthday, the tension escalates, leading to a painful decision about Christmas and gift-giving. This story resonates with anyone who has navigated complex family relationships, especially when it comes to feeling valued and included.

Family Drama Surrounding a Wedding and Birthday Tension

A woman shares her experience with her mother-in-law (MIL) and the ongoing family drama that has unfolded since the birth of her son. The conflict resolution process has been challenging, particularly with the added tension surrounding family events and communication issues.

Background: The woman’s husband has an ex-wife and a child from that marriage. The ex-wife has distanced herself from the husband’s family after a contentious custody battle. The woman feels that her MIL views her as an outsider, despite her husband and ex-wife being separated for two years.
Struggles with Conceiving: After a long and difficult journey involving cancer, surgeries, and IVF, the couple welcomed their son, who is the MIL’s 20th grandchild. However, the woman senses that her son is not favored by the MIL due to her being the mother.
Baby Shower and Visits: The MIL declined to attend the baby shower and has shown little support during visits, often prioritizing her own needs over the new mother’s. The woman feels neglected and unappreciated.
Birthday Plans: The woman planned a small family event for her son’s first birthday. However, the MIL insisted that the event could not take place due to family excursions. When those plans fell through, the MIL hosted her own birthday party on the same weekend, leaving the woman feeling hurt and disregarded.
Christmas Exclusion: The woman has not heard from her MIL in four months, during which time the MIL has taken other grandchildren to various outings. The family has been excluded from significant events, including the annual Christmas tree decorating day.
Communication Breakdown: The MIL reached out just before Christmas to inquire about a gift for the woman’s son. The woman felt this was insincere given the lack of communication over the past months. Her husband spoke to the MIL, who claimed she had been trying to reach out, which the woman disputes.
Pregnancy Announcement: The couple is expecting another child through IVF, a decision influenced by the woman’s health concerns. They have not yet shared this news with the family and feel it is important to do so on their own terms.
Decision on Gifts: The woman is contemplating whether to accept a potential gift from her MIL for her son or to purchase it herself. She feels conflicted about the MIL’s intentions and the overall family dynamics.

The situation highlights the complexities of family relationships, particularly in the context of wedding tension and unresolved conflicts. The couple aims to prioritize their family’s well-being while navigating the challenges posed by the MIL’s behavior.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

My MIL has never been very fond of me. My husband has an ex-wife and child from this marriage, but the mother has moved away and taken the child. Both have no contact with my husband’s family, despite an ugly custody battle.

It was clear that none of his family wanted me around and saw me as ‘the other woman/home wrecker’, despite the fact that my husband and his ex had been separated for two years and were about to start divorce proceedings.

My husband and I had a hard time conceiving, and after years of trying, a cancer diagnosis on my end, multiple surgeries, and a lengthy IVF journey, we were finally blessed with our beautiful baby boy. He is my MIL’s 20th grandchild, and I appreciate that the novelty of babies wears off over time, but it was obvious he would be her least favorite grandchild—simply because I am the mother.

She refused to come to my baby shower. When visiting after birth, she would tell me that she would hold the baby so I could clean, never brought anything with her on visits for me or the baby, and when I walked into a room at other functions, she would stretch out her arms for him and demand a cuddle without even saying ‘hello’ to me first.

My son was born a day before MIL’s birthday, and for his first birthday, I was planning on doing a small family event for him. When speaking to my MIL about it, she cut me off and said I couldn’t possibly hold an event on the weekend I had intended, as the whole family was traveling on various excursions.

My husband and I had plans for the weekends either side of the birthday weekend and ended up deciding to just cancel hosting an event, as no one would be there anyway. MIL did ask me what she should buy my son for his birthday, so I told her and just left it at that.

Two days before the birthday weekend, my husband receives an invite to my MIL’s birthday party on the weekend I had wanted to host a party for our son, where all the family would attend. Their trips were canceled due to bad weather, so MIL decided to throw herself a party, seeing as now everyone was available. As you can imagine, we were quite upset by this.

I had hoped she would have called with the update and asked if we still wanted to proceed with my son’s birthday party. We said nothing but also didn’t go to her party. We also never received a gift from her for our son.

Fast forward to Christmas. I have not heard from my MIL in four months. She has not requested to see her grandchild nor asked how he is, let alone check in on us as a family, despite taking other grandchildren out on regular occasions to the zoo, aquarium, and other amusements.

There was even the annual Christmas tree decorating day for the kids, and it’s the second year we have been excluded from this family event. I do send cards or gifts to all the nieces and nephews for their birthdays, and we always attend events we have been invited to. They are just few and far between.

I received a message from MIL on the 18th of December asking what my son would like for Christmas. I honestly couldn’t believe this was the first message I had received in four months and felt there was no point in answering, as it would be ignored anyway, and asked my husband to speak to her about the situation.

On the phone call, she cried to him that she has been trying to get in touch for months and I am clearly ignoring her. This is simply not true. My husband informed her that we wouldn’t be attending Christmas this year partly because I am pregnant again via IVF—my oncologist suggested we do it sooner rather than later in case the cancer comes back, and the decision of having more children is taken from us.

We have not yet shared this with anyone and would like to announce it in our own time. I’m obviously pregnant at this stage, and we just have not found a moment to share the news yet. We are also quite hurt that we have been excluded from every other event this year, and it seems a bit disingenuous to spend Christmas with people who clearly don’t want to be around us for the rest of the year.

My husband and I intend to have a small Christmas at home but feel saddened by the whole situation. Would I be an asshole for not accepting the gift my MIL may or may not give and just buying it for my son myself?

Side note: My MIL is aware that I am pregnant; she is the only one who knows and is also aware of both our IVF journey and my cancer history.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) is not at fault (NTA) for wanting to distance herself from her mother-in-law (MIL). Many users emphasize that the MIL’s disrespectful behavior, particularly her lack of communication and consideration for OP’s children, warrants a no-contact approach to protect the family. Additionally, there is a recurring sentiment that the OP’s husband should take more responsibility in addressing his mother’s actions, as they reflect poorly on their family dynamics.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Family dynamics can be incredibly complex, especially when navigating relationships with in-laws. In this situation, it’s clear that both the original poster (OP) and her mother-in-law (MIL) have feelings that need to be addressed. Here are some practical steps for resolving the conflict while considering both sides:

For the Original Poster (OP)

Open Communication: Consider having a calm and honest conversation with your husband about your feelings regarding his mother. Express how her actions have affected you and your son, and discuss the importance of addressing these issues together.
Set Boundaries: Clearly define what behaviors are unacceptable to you and your family. Communicate these boundaries to your husband, and if necessary, to your MIL when the time is right. This can help prevent future misunderstandings.
Document Events: Keep a record of significant interactions and events involving your MIL. This can help you articulate your feelings and experiences more clearly if you decide to discuss them with her or your husband.
Consider a Mediator: If direct communication feels too challenging, consider involving a neutral third party, such as a family therapist, to facilitate discussions. This can provide a safe space for everyone to express their feelings.
Focus on Your Family: Prioritize your immediate family’s well-being. Engage in activities that strengthen your bond with your husband and son, and create positive memories that are independent of the MIL’s involvement.

For the Mother-in-Law (MIL)

Self-Reflection: Encourage the MIL to reflect on her actions and how they may have impacted her relationship with her son, daughter-in-law, and grandson. Understanding her behavior is the first step toward change.
Reach Out: Suggest that the MIL take the initiative to reach out to the OP and express her desire to improve their relationship. A sincere apology for past actions can go a long way in mending fences.
Be Inclusive: Encourage the MIL to actively include the OP and her family in future family events. This can help rebuild trust and show that she values their presence in the family.
Listen Actively: When communicating with the OP, the MIL should practice active listening. This means being open to feedback and showing empathy towards the OP’s feelings and experiences.
Seek Support: If the MIL struggles with understanding her role in the family dynamics, she might benefit from speaking with a therapist or counselor to gain perspective and develop healthier communication strategies.

Conclusion

Resolving family conflicts requires effort and understanding from all parties involved. By fostering open communication, setting clear boundaries, and being willing to listen and change, both the OP and the MIL can work towards a healthier relationship that benefits the entire family. Remember, it’s essential to prioritize the well-being of the children and create a supportive environment for them to thrive.