WIBTA IF I LEAVE MY EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE FIANCE WHILE HE IS OUT OF TOWN

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Is It Time to Leave a Toxic Relationship?

In a heart-wrenching tale of love turned sour, a woman grapples with the emotional turmoil of her relationship with her partner, who oscillates between charming and cruel. After uprooting her life and becoming financially dependent on him, she faces the harsh reality of emotional abuse, leaving her questioning her worth and safety. As she approaches the brink of a breaking point, a seemingly trivial argument spirals into a pivotal moment that could change everything. This story resonates with many who have experienced the complexities of love, dependency, and the struggle to reclaim one’s self-worth.

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Difficult Decision

A 31-year-old woman (31F) shares her experience of navigating a tumultuous relationship with her partner (34M) as they prepare for the arrival of their second child. The couple has been together for over two years, but their relationship has been marked by significant challenges and emotional turmoil.

Background: The couple has known each other for over a decade and transitioned from friends to partners, quickly moving in together and starting a family.
Relationship Dynamics: Initially, their relationship was filled with love and connection, but it soon became fraught with conflict. The woman describes her partner as having a dual personality—sometimes charming and loving, but often emotionally abusive, especially under stress.
Emotional Abuse: The partner has a pattern of taking out his frustrations on her, leading to a cycle of hurtful arguments followed by apologies. This behavior has severely impacted her self-esteem and mental health.
Recent Conflict: After a particularly intense argument, the woman considered leaving with her child. Her partner pleaded for another chance, promising to improve his behavior.
Temporary Improvement: For a few days, the partner exhibited the loving behavior she initially fell for, but tensions resurfaced during a phone conversation about their baby.
Escalation: The conversation turned sour, leading to another argument where the partner dismissed her feelings and refused to apologize, further escalating the situation.
Final Decision: Feeling neglected and disrespected, the woman decided to leave. She texted her partner about her decision and blocked him, contemplating using his car to return to her home state.

The woman is now grappling with her emotions and the fear of leaving, especially as she is eight months pregnant with a one-year-old child. She questions whether she is overreacting and if her sensitivity is contributing to the conflict.

Concerns: She worries about her financial stability and the implications of leaving without a solid plan.
Seeking Clarity: The woman is unsure if her feelings are justified or if she is making a hasty decision based on temporary anger.

In light of this family drama, she seeks advice on whether leaving is the right choice or if she should reconsider her actions. The situation highlights the complexities of conflict resolution in relationships, especially when emotional abuse is involved.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

So I, 31F, have been with my partner, 34M, for over 2 years. I have known him for over 10 years, and when we got together, we moved pretty quickly and had a baby. Soon after our child was born, we became pregnant again, and I’m now expecting another baby with him.

We are having 2 under 2 in the span of 2 years, which makes things scary for me regarding what I’m about to do next. Sorry for the long post, but I need advice, and I’m not comfortable talking to anybody else in real life about this. For some context of this story, when we were friends, we had a great friendship.

We had so many good times and laughs, and our connection and chemistry were undeniably strong to the point where people around us would wonder why we weren’t a thing, or others would automatically assume we were because of the bond we shared. This eventually caught up to us and brought us both to finally admit that we had a thing for each other, and we went for the shot. I never noticed anything alarming or red flags, so this was a no-brainer to me, and I entered this relationship confident.

The problem is that as soon as we got together, things became sour. Very early on, disagreements and fights between us became really, really bad. It’s like he became a whole different person, or for a lack of better words, I got to know who he really is.

Despite all of his flaws, I fell in love with him deeply. He can be this prince charming from time to time, and this part-time persona is who I think I actually fell in love with. Anyway, we got engaged and really started to move seriously about our future together to the point where I uprooted my life and moved to the state he lives in.

I left my job and gave up everything to be with him, including leaving family and friends behind, as the state he lives in is estranged to me, and I don’t know anybody but him. I became a stay-at-home mom and completely financially dependent on him. I really have been hopeful that he will change his ways for me and keep his promises of doing better by me and staying consistent with the treatment I deserve.

He has made some improvement over the last year in staying consistent in treating me better, but when he is under a lot of stress, he can be emotionally abusive. Lately, stress has been at an all-time high for him, and something so minor can push him to say the most awful and disrespectful things to me. I can ask him something as small as, “Hey, are you okay?” and he will go down a rabbit hole of the things that are wrong with me and this relationship.

Many things still hurt me and have brought my self-esteem down. He has admitted to me that he takes his anger out on me because I’m next to him, and he doesn’t know how to navigate and let steam off in a healthier way. In the end, I always end up in tears, and he is always sorry and promises to never do it again, but it has become a vicious cycle.

One moment, it’s as if I’m the worst thing to ever happen to him, and next, I get complete royal queen lovey-dovey “I can’t live without you, please marry me” treatment. This toxic hot-and-cold treatment has put me in a bad place mentally, and I am now overly sensitive and can be easily triggered by him.

Now for the reason for my title

Earlier this week, we got into a huge fight where he said very mean and bad things to me, which I will reserve because every time I think of it, I break down, so I don’t want to type it out or think about it. When things settled a little, he said he was sorry and seemed remorseful because it became so bad that despite me having no money, no car, no job, and nothing to fall back on, I was actually packing my son’s and my stuff to leave him for good.

He asked me to give him a week to show me how he can do better, and if he messes up in any way, even in the slightest, then I can leave him. I always melt and can’t help but believe him, so after a few hours of hearing him out, I gave in and gave him that chance. The next 3 days, I got my prince charming, and although I’m at the edge of my seat and very cautious, I’ve been soaking in the part of my man I fell in love with.

Fast forward to today, we are having a normal conversation over the phone about a situation with our baby because he went out of town. He was settled into bed at his stay, and during the conversation, I’m noticing that he is starting to take total defense to the subject at hand, and the tone in his voice starts to shift. I can hear the irritation slowly leaking out of him, and he suddenly tells me he no longer wants to have the conversation in attempts to dismiss me.

I stood quiet, and after a brief pause, I asked if he wanted to go to bed. I suggested this because I wasn’t trying to escalate the situation, and due to the fact that I’m overly sensitive, I didn’t want to take the tone in his voice personally. After a chuckle, he sarcastically answered me, saying, “Yeah, I’ll go to sleep.” I simply hung up the phone.

After hanging up, I couldn’t shake the feeling of being neglected and dismissed over something so insignificant. I gave him a call back, and this call resulted in another bad argument, and now I want to leave for good. He kept trying to keep his cool when I told him how I was feeling, but he couldn’t help himself.

He would laugh and say how he doesn’t care about the subject of our baby, so it’s not a big deal. I clarified to him that it wasn’t the subject of our baby that was the problem, but rather the way he was speaking to me and now treating me. He just kept giving me snarky answers and not listening to me tell him how I was feeling.

I asked this grown-ass man for an apology, and he said he didn’t even know what he was apologizing for, even after I told him he became disrespectful, rude, and mean to me. I know it’s a stupid argument and so small, but I’m at my last straw here, and I think maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing because the subject about our baby really isn’t a serious one. When I told him I’m not tolerating this behavior anymore and I wanted to leave, he yelled at the phone, “SO LEAVE!” and hung up the phone on me.

I already texted him letting him know that I was leaving, and I blocked him, but am I overreacting if I leave before he gets back from his trip? He left his car behind, so I will be using that to move back to my home state

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments strongly advocate for the individual to leave an abusive relationship, emphasizing that the abuser’s charming persona is merely a facade used to manipulate and control. Many users share personal experiences, highlighting the importance of prioritizing safety and well-being for both the individual and their children. The consensus is clear: escaping the situation is crucial, and seeking legal and emotional support is essential for a successful transition.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

Navigating a tumultuous relationship, especially one marked by emotional abuse, can be incredibly challenging. It’s essential to prioritize your safety and well-being, as well as that of your children. Here are some practical steps to consider for resolving the conflict and moving forward:

For the Individual Considering Leaving

Prioritize Safety: Ensure that you have a safe place to go. If you decide to leave, consider staying with a trusted friend or family member who can provide support.
Seek Professional Help: Reach out to a therapist or counselor who specializes in emotional abuse. They can help you process your feelings and develop a plan for your future.
Document Everything: Keep a record of any abusive incidents, including dates, times, and descriptions. This documentation can be crucial if you need to seek legal protection or custody arrangements.
Financial Planning: Assess your financial situation. Create a budget and explore resources such as local shelters, community programs, or legal aid that can assist you during this transition.
Legal Considerations: Consult with a lawyer to understand your rights, especially regarding custody and support for your children. Knowing your legal options can empower you to make informed decisions.
Build a Support Network: Reach out to friends, family, or support groups who can provide emotional and practical support during this time. Connecting with others who have experienced similar situations can be particularly helpful.

For the Partner

Self-Reflection: Acknowledge the impact of your behavior on your partner and the relationship. Consider seeking therapy to address underlying issues that contribute to emotional abuse.
Take Responsibility: If you genuinely want to change, commit to taking responsibility for your actions. This includes apologizing sincerely and working on improving your communication skills.
Seek Professional Help: Engage in individual therapy to explore the reasons behind your emotional outbursts and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
Respect Boundaries: If your partner decides to leave, respect their decision. Understand that they are prioritizing their safety and well-being, which is crucial for both of you.
Open Communication: If given the opportunity, engage in open and honest conversations about the relationship. Listen actively to your partner’s feelings without becoming defensive.

Conclusion

Ultimately, the decision to leave or stay in a relationship marked by emotional abuse is deeply personal and complex. It’s essential to prioritize your safety and well-being while seeking the support you need. Remember, you are not alone, and there are resources available to help you navigate this difficult situation.