WIBTA If I Finally Said "Screw It" And Went No Contact With A Majority Of My Family Without Telling Them?

WIBTA if I finally said “Screw it” and went no contact with a majority of my family without telling them?

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Family Ties or Toxic Bonds?

In a heart-wrenching tale of familial estrangement, a woman grapples with the decision to cut ties with her family after years of feeling excluded and unsupported. Despite enduring significant trauma, including an abusive marriage and the loss of her mother, she finds herself yearning for validation from relatives who seem to prioritize their own lives over her struggles. As she reflects on her past and the unequal treatment she and her adopted sister received, she faces the daunting question: is it worth holding onto relationships that bring more pain than joy? This story resonates with anyone who has navigated complex family dynamics and the quest for belonging.

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Personal Journey

A 29-year-old woman is contemplating cutting ties with several family members due to feelings of exclusion and neglect. Here’s a summary of her situation:

Family Background: The woman has three older sisters, all married, with two having children. She and her closest sister were adopted as young babies, while the older sisters were teenagers at the time.
Childhood Challenges: The family faced significant hardships, including a house fire and the mother’s illness. The woman’s father passed away when she was 17, leading to emotional struggles.
Abusive Relationship: She entered an abusive marriage, which resulted in her having children. Despite seeking help from her family during difficult times, she received little support.
Custody Battle: After a series of traumatic events, including her daughter suffering a severe burn, she fought for custody of her children against her ex-husband and the Department of Children and Families (DCF), eventually succeeding after nearly three years.

Throughout this ordeal, her contact with her siblings was minimal, primarily revolving around her children. Once she regained custody, her family began reaching out more frequently, but she felt a growing sense of exclusion.

Feelings of Exclusion: Despite living closer to her family, she noticed they never visited her home. When she offered to host a holiday meal, her invitation was declined due to health restrictions, yet they later traveled to a distant city.
Wedding Tension: Recently, she discovered that she and her adopted sister were not informed about a family wedding, further deepening her feelings of being an outsider.

She reflects on her childhood, acknowledging that her sisters provided care during difficult times, but struggles with the notion of feeling excluded now. This has led her to question whether she should sever ties with her family.

Contemplating No Contact

In her TLDR, she asks if she would be the “asshole” for stopping communication with her adopted family due to their apparent favoritism towards non-adopted members. After posting, she took a significant step by deleting or blocking many family contacts on social media, leaving her feeling both liberated and terrified.

Emotional Turmoil: She experiences guilt about her decision, fearing it may reflect poorly on her character and impact her children.
Seeking Validation: The woman realizes she has been seeking love and validation from those who have treated her poorly, prompting her to reassess her relationships.

With the support of online commenters, she hopes to move forward without the burden of familial expectations and negativity, aiming for a healthier future for herself and her children.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

Hi, this is my first post on Reddit, and it’s a long one. I’ll put a TLDR at the bottom. I’m on mobile, so please excuse any mistakes.

I, a 29-year-old female, am about to go completely no contact with multiple members of my family, and I’m feeling incredibly guilty about it.

Some back story

I have three older sisters, all married, two with kids. My oldest sister has no kids, while the rest of us all have two. My older two sisters are significantly older than myself and our other sister, due to us being adopted as very young babies when they were teenagers.

Because of this, my second oldest sister’s children were only 6-7 years younger than me. When I was younger, our house burnt down, and then our mom got extremely ill, leading to our older sisters both eventually moving back in with their husbands and kids.

Over time, life happened. My dad passed when I was 17, and it really messed me up mentally. I ended up in a very abusive relationship with someone older than me, whom I eventually married and had my children with.

Fast forward a few years, my mom has passed, and my older two sisters and their husbands got the house. The sister closest to me in age is in a different state, and we were low contact.

I’m in a different state and have given up asking my family for support because every time I asked for help when my now ex-husband yelled, broke things, or hurt me, I was told to just “muddle through” and “let him sleep it off.”

Then he hit me, tried to hit me again, missed, and hit my then 3-year-old daughter. I called my second oldest sister, begging and crying for help, and was told, “Maybe you shouldn’t have aggravated him into it.”

My ex-husband then took my kids to said sister’s house and left them there while he went to yet another state for work. I spent every day for the next year begging and fighting to talk to my children. Then COVID hit, and I was homeless in my car.

I told myself it couldn’t possibly get worse, so I used my food money and drove back to my home state to finally get to see my kids. When I got to them, my 3-year-old daughter had an untreated 4th-degree burn that was infected over 13% of her back.

Both my sister and my ex-husband refused to take her to the hospital, so I did. My daughter was septic, and the doctor said she was hours away from dying. DCF then took both my kids and refused to give me any information about them, telling me, “We told your husband already,” and wouldn’t listen when I told them he and I were separated.

I then spent the next 2.5, almost 3 years fighting my ex-husband and DCF at every turn for custody of my kids and FINALLY got it. During this whole time, there was little to no contact between me and any of my siblings unless it had to do with my children.

As soon as my children were in my custody, I was getting regular phone calls and daily messages about them. I was so mentally broken and exhausted from the fighting that I gave in and updated them on life and my kids and let them back in.

But it’s all starting to add up now. At every turn, I am reminded that I am not really family. I’ve never been visited at my house, no matter how close I live to them, but when I lived literally states away, I was always willing to drive the full length of the distance to see them.

I offered to host a holiday meal at my house just to see everyone, and was told due to physical health restrictions, they couldn’t be in a vehicle long enough to get to my house. Then the next day, pictures were posted to social media of those same people in a city much further away from their house than my house is.

Most recently, my niece got married, and neither I nor my other sister, also adopted, were told.

Here’s where I feel like an asshole.

When our house burnt down, my mother was significantly ill rather quickly after that. When my second oldest sister moved in with her children and husband, it was to help take care of myself and my sister closest to me in age, as well as our autistic brother, who has unfortunately passed away.

So she went from having a 6 and 7-year-old of her own to also having a 13-year-old girl, a 14-year-old girl, and a 16-year-old autistic boy, basically overnight. Even though my sister, brother, and I got treated differently than our sister’s children in many different ways, we were taken care of.

My oldest sister eventually moved in with her husband, and my second oldest sister never wavered. We were always fed, always had electricity, clean clothes, and a house to go home to. Can I really just sweep all of that under the rug because I feel excluded?

TLDR

WIBTA if I stopped talking to a majority of my adopted family because they very obviously exclude/treat me and my sister, also adopted, differently than other non-adopted members of the family?

Edit: It’s been made clear to me that there is not enough information in this post. I’m sorry; any questions in the comments, I will try to answer.

UPDATE

I’m shaking right now as I type this because I just went through all of my social media accounts and phone contacts and deleted/blocked almost everyone. I now have less than 15 friends on Facebook or SnapChat, and I have maybe six total contacts that are not somehow work-related.

I have never in my life felt this lonely or this liberated. I feel absolutely terrified because I don’t want to be a bad person or for my kids to grow up to be bad people because I’m a bad person.

I feel very guilty because all I can hear are the constant reminders of how horrible of a child I was due to diagnosed but unmedicated ADHD. I want to thank everyone for their kind words and their support; I think most of what I needed was an outside perspective, the opinion of someone who’s not living this, you know?

I also had never really laid it all out in one piece before, and doing so made me incredibly aware of how absolutely insane it is that I continue to want validation and love from the people who have treated me this way. Again, thank you all.

I’m very hopeful that this guilty feeling will go away so my stomach will stop churning, and I’m very excited to go forward in life without this weight on my shoulders.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the individual should cut ties with their family due to their past neglect and abusive behavior. Many users emphasize that the family’s failure to protect the individual and their child from harm justifies a complete break, suggesting that the individual deserves a healthier environment for themselves and their children. Overall, the comments reflect a belief that maintaining distance from such toxic relationships is essential for personal well-being.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Navigating family dynamics can be incredibly challenging, especially when feelings of exclusion and neglect are involved. Here are some practical steps to consider for resolving the conflict while prioritizing your emotional well-being:

Steps for Personal Reflection

Assess Your Feelings: Take time to reflect on your emotions regarding your family. Journaling can help clarify your thoughts and feelings about the relationships you have with your siblings.
Identify Your Needs: Consider what you need from your family moving forward. Is it support, acknowledgment, or simply a sense of belonging? Understanding your needs can guide your next steps.

Communicating with Family

Open a Dialogue: If you feel comfortable, reach out to your family members to express your feelings. Use “I” statements to communicate how their actions have affected you, such as “I feel excluded when…” This can help reduce defensiveness.
Set Boundaries: Clearly define what behaviors are unacceptable to you. Let your family know what you need to feel respected and valued in the relationship.

Seeking Support

Engage a Therapist: Consider speaking with a mental health professional who can help you navigate your feelings and provide strategies for coping with family dynamics.
Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with friends or support groups who understand your situation. Sharing experiences with others can provide validation and encouragement.

Deciding on Future Contact

Evaluate Your Relationships: After communicating your feelings, observe how your family responds. Are they willing to make changes? If not, it may be time to reassess the relationship.
Consider Gradual Distance: If you decide to cut ties, consider doing so gradually. This can help you manage feelings of guilt while protecting your emotional health.

Focusing on Your Well-Being

Ultimately, your well-being and that of your children should be your priority. Surround yourself with positivity and seek relationships that uplift you. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your mental health and create a supportive environment for yourself and your children.

By taking these steps, you can work towards a resolution that honors your feelings and fosters a healthier future, whether that includes your family or not.