WIBTA If I Excluded My Dad's Wife And Her Duaghter From My Gifting Plans Which Include The Rest Of My Family And Her Son?

WIBTA If I excluded my dad’s wife and her duaghter from my gifting plans which include the rest of my family and her son?

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Family Drama and Holiday Dilemmas

In a tangled web of family dynamics, a young woman grapples with her father’s wife’s disdain and the fallout from a series of misunderstandings. Accused of manipulation and selfishness, she finds herself ostracized and struggling to maintain her relationship with her father amidst the chaos. As the holidays approach, she faces a tough decision: should she extend goodwill to her stepmother and her daughter, who have caused her so much pain, or prioritize her own feelings and boundaries? This relatable story highlights the complexities of blended families and the emotional toll of navigating familial expectations during the festive season.

Family Drama and Wedding Tension: Navigating a Complex Relationship

A 25-year-old woman (referred to as OP) is facing significant family drama involving her father’s wife, N (39F). The conflict has escalated over time, leading to strained relationships and emotional turmoil. Here’s a breakdown of the situation:

Background of Conflict:
- OP has had ongoing issues with her stepmother, N, who perceives her as manipulative and ungrateful.
- N is reportedly jealous of OP’s close relationship with her father (54M).
- OP’s family disapproves of N due to her rude behavior during family gatherings.
Failed Marriage and Misunderstandings:
- OP’s marriage ended due to abuse from her ex-husband and his brother, which N misconstrued as OP being manipulative.
- N has made disparaging remarks about OP, including accusations regarding her financial situation and living conditions.
Living Situation and Fallout:
- OP was living in a rental space owned by her father, but was asked to leave after a dead mouse incident, which she believes was not her fault.
- Following the eviction, OP couch-surfed with friends and eventually moved to another state with her mother.
- Her father has since limited contact, only seeing her occasionally.
Hoodie Incident and Escalation:
- OP borrowed a hoodie from her step-sister, G (17F), which led to further conflict when N accused OP of theft.
- Despite OP’s attempts to resolve the situation, N continued to harass her with negative messages.
- G’s involvement in the situation has led to misunderstandings and accusations against OP, including claims of inappropriate conversations.
Current Situation and Christmas Plans:
- OP has cut off contact with N and is hesitant to engage with G, despite previously considering her a sister.
- OP plans to visit her father for Christmas but is conflicted about gifting N and G, given their past behavior.
- She is considering making watercolor paintings for her family members but feels uncomfortable including N and G.

OP is grappling with the decision of whether to maintain peace with her father by including N and G in her gifts or to stand firm in her feelings of resentment. The situation highlights the complexities of family dynamics, conflict resolution, and the emotional toll of navigating relationships marred by tension.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

I, 25F, have had problems with my father’s wife, N, 39F, for a while. She dislikes me because she thinks I’m manipulative, ungrateful, and selfish, and she’s jealous of my relationship with my father, 54M. She also dislikes that I gave her son different foods like gator sausage, but this is the same woman who calls food like pork trotters and collard greens slave food.

My mother’s family doesn’t like her at all because she was very standoffish and rude when my mom invited her and my dad to Christmas one year. Her main thing is that I’m manipulative because she’s hearing secondhand from my dad about my failed marriage. Failed because both my husband, 24M, and his brother, 22M, were abusing me, who wasn’t around like my mother was and heard the abuse.

My ex used my father against me by lying to him about what was going on and blaming me for all of our relationship problems when it was him refusing to do anything about his family and letting the abuse continue. She goes out of her way to have “talks” with me wherein she claims to care about me but will then say disparaging things behind my back to my dad and mistreat me. She once yelled at me for using her liquid soap to wash and made me pay her for it when she knew I was barely making any money with my job.

My dad rents part of his house out as a VRBO, and I was living in the space, so I cleaned it. I had double-checked before I went to work, and everything was fine except for the holes from water damage in the ceiling that were being fixed. Later that night, I was told to leave because there was a dead mouse that I assumed fell from the ceiling and died under the bed when I wasn’t around.

There was no inclination that there were any mice; I was more concerned about the ants trying to come in since it was getting warm. During that conversation, I was called a manipulative bch by my dad and blamed for him pissing off my brother, 23M, by calling me one while on the phone with him. I spent the next few weeks outside the house, couchsurfing with friends until I moved to a nearby state with my mother.

My dad told me that I wasn’t welcome to come back to his house on the weekends since he kicked me out, so I only saw him once on Father’s Day accidentally as my plans with friends fell through. I accepted that she had what she wanted and left my dad alone, speaking to him only four times between June and November. Earlier this year, I borrowed a hoodie from her daughter, G, 17F, which she told me belonged to her boyfriend, 21M.

I mistakenly brought it home with me; we discussed it, and I would send it when I had money as I was unemployed at the time. It was moved, and I forgot about it because she never said anything even when we were on the phone. N texted me, saying I was a selfish, lying thief who gave her daughter the middle finger and ignored her request for her hoodie back.

The hoodie that G claimed was from her grandparents and not her adult boyfriend. She said quite a few horrible things about me and demanded I send it back. I told her that I’d send it when I could and would talk to her daughter.

I did, and her daughter said it was fine. My stepmother proceeded to continue harassing me and sending me mean messages until I blocked her. I then heard that her daughter showed them our text messages, and everyone was claiming that I sent her inappropriate things that shouldn’t be talked about with a minor.

I could only find a text from last year where I told her I couldn’t give her mom ice from my part of the house because I was nude. According to her daughter, I was trying to get pregnant by a Muslim man I was seeing, among other things that everyone refused to tell me about. My dad defended his wife, and everyone was acting like I was grooming the girl or trying to corrupt her in some way.

I have considered this girl my sister, and despite her being involved twice with spreading my business to her mom and my dad, I still held out the hope that she wasn’t being messy. I never texted her anything explicit. She called me to hang out during my first date with the guy, which is why we talked about him.

I’d told her that the Muslim man wanted “As many as Allah will give” and was abstinent as he was reconnecting with his faith. Something I was fine with as I’ve been interested in converting myself. I have since cut all contact with his wife, I ignore her daughter when she tries to talk to me, and I rarely call my dad.

My father and I even went no contact for a while since he blamed me for everything. It was my fault that his wife, my mother, and my brother were upset with him because I went to my mother after she started texting me and called my brother crying when she started harassing me over text about the hoodie. I agreed to see him for my birthday, and it was fine.

I called him the other day since I’ll be in the city for Christmas, and I’m planning to visit him. My funds are tight, so I was going to gift watercolor paintings to my family instead of buying presents. I’m making them for my mother, sister, brothers, stepfather, sister’s father, aunts, and her father’s fiancée.

I was going to make one for my dad and her youngest son, 9M, since even though he is annoying and growing increasingly more disrespectful, he is a child who hasn’t done anything to me. I’m not wasting paper to gift a painting to this woman who dislikes me and her daughter who threw me under the bus with lies to cover up that she was still messing with her boyfriend. I feel like it would cause a problem and a deeper rift, but at the same time, I don’t want to be nice to keep the peace.

I’m not planning to stay long at their house. I will check on my cat, give my dad and brothers their gifts, and maybe hang out for a bit since I rarely see my brothers. I honestly want to lie and say work came up because the thought of being in the same house with that lady makes me uncomfortable.

TLDR

My dad’s wife is a step-monster who used her daughter to ruin my relationship with my dad, so I don’t want to make her or her turncoat daughter anything for Christmas like the rest of my family. I don’t want to be nice to either of them, but I feel like it’ll cause problems with my dad if I did.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) should not give any gifts to their father or his family, primarily due to the toxic and abusive nature of their relationships. Many users emphasize the importance of self-respect and suggest that OP should prioritize their own well-being over familial obligations, with several advocating for cutting ties altogether. Overall, the comments reflect a clear stance against engaging with a harmful family dynamic.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Family dynamics can be incredibly complex, especially when emotions run high and misunderstandings abound. In OP’s situation, it’s essential to approach the conflict with empathy and a focus on personal well-being. Here are some practical steps for both OP and her family members to consider:

For OP: Prioritizing Self-Care and Boundaries

Reflect on Your Feelings: Take time to understand your emotions regarding N and G. Acknowledge your feelings of resentment and hurt, as these are valid responses to the situation.
Set Clear Boundaries: Decide what kind of relationship you want with your father, N, and G. Communicate these boundaries clearly, whether that means limiting contact or specifying what behaviors you will not tolerate.
Consider Gift-Giving: If you feel uncomfortable giving gifts to N and G, it’s okay to exclude them. Focus on gifts for those who support and uplift you, including your father if you choose to maintain that relationship.
Seek Support: Talk to trusted friends or a therapist about your feelings. They can provide perspective and help you navigate the emotional turmoil.
Plan for Family Gatherings: If you decide to visit your father for Christmas, have a plan for how to handle interactions with N and G. Consider practicing responses to potential confrontations to feel more prepared.

For N and G: Understanding and Communication

Self-Reflection: N should take time to reflect on her behavior and the impact it has had on OP. Understanding her feelings of jealousy and insecurity may help her approach the situation more constructively.
Open Dialogue: If N and G are willing, they should reach out to OP for an open and honest conversation. Acknowledge past misunderstandings and express a desire to improve the relationship.
Apologize and Take Responsibility: If N recognizes her past behavior as hurtful, a sincere apology can go a long way in mending fences. Taking responsibility for her actions may help rebuild trust.
Respect Boundaries: If OP has set boundaries, it’s crucial for N and G to respect them. Pushing for contact or gifts when OP is uncomfortable will likely exacerbate tensions.
Focus on Positive Interactions: N and G should aim to create positive experiences with OP, rather than dwelling on past conflicts. Small gestures of kindness can help rebuild the relationship over time.

Conclusion

Family conflicts can be painful and complicated, but with open communication and a focus on self-respect, healing is possible. OP should prioritize her well-being while also allowing space for N and G to reflect and grow. Ultimately, the goal should be to foster healthier relationships, whether that means reconciliation or maintaining distance.