WIBTA If I Don’t Let My Dad Come To The Birth Of His First Grandchild?

WIBTA if I don’t let my dad come to the birth of his first grandchild?

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Strained Family Ties and the Birth of a New Life

As a soon-to-be mother grappling with a tumultuous relationship with her father, this woman faces an emotionally charged dilemma about hospital visitors. Despite years of emotional neglect and manipulation from her dad and his family, they now demand to be present for the birth of her child, igniting a fierce internal conflict. With her mental health already at stake due to a high-risk pregnancy, she must navigate the complexities of family dynamics while prioritizing her own well-being and that of her newborn. This story resonates with anyone who has struggled to balance familial obligations with personal boundaries, especially in the context of major life events.

Family Drama Surrounding Hospital Visit: A Conflict Resolution Dilemma

A woman is facing significant family drama as she prepares for the birth of her first child. The tension revolves around her strained relationship with her father and his desire to be present at the hospital. Here’s a breakdown of the situation:

Background: The woman has had a tumultuous relationship with her father, who was largely absent during her upbringing. Their family dynamics worsened after her parents’ divorce when she was 19, leading to a year of no contact due to his erratic behavior.
Current Situation: Now 36 weeks pregnant, she has been trying to communicate her boundaries regarding hospital visits. She has informed her father and grandparents that they will not be accepting visitors on the first day after the birth.
Health Concerns: Due to health issues, she will undergo a c-section under general anesthesia, meaning she won’t be the first to meet her baby. This adds to her stress during an already challenging pregnancy.

Recently, her grandmother attempted to persuade her to allow her father to visit, using guilt tactics such as emphasizing his desire to see his first grandchild. The woman was taken aback by this, especially since her father has shown little interest in being an involved grandparent prior to this moment.

Father’s Reaction: After discussing the situation with her father, she learned that he was indeed interested in being present, expressing concern about not knowing what was happening if he stayed home. This reaction felt selfish to her, given their history.
Conflict Resolution Challenges: The woman is torn between wanting to avoid a repeat of past conflicts and the need to set firm boundaries. She fears that any confrontation could lead to a fallout similar to what occurred four years ago.
Options Considered: She has contemplated several options, including lying about the date of the c-section or stating that no visitors will be allowed until they return home. However, she is aware that these solutions may only delay the inevitable conflict.

Her boyfriend has expressed sympathy for her father, which has added to her feelings of isolation. She feels misunderstood, as her boyfriend struggles to comprehend the depth of her family issues.

Support System: The woman has a supportive boyfriend who respects her decisions and understands her past trauma. She has also communicated her boundaries to other family members, who have been more understanding.
Future Considerations: The possibility of going no contact with her father and his family is on the table, as she prioritizes her mental health and the well-being of her new family.

In conclusion, the woman is seeking advice on how to navigate this complex family drama while preparing for the arrival of her baby. She is determined to make the best decision for her family, regardless of the potential backlash from her father and his relatives.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

For context, I have never had a good relationship with my dad. He lived in the same house but was not in any way a present parent. He never showed any interest in me or my siblings unless it pertained to one of his interests, particularly sports.

My parents divorced when I was 19, and he completely lost it. To the point where he was having us all stalked, and the sheriff personally called my mom to say she needed to be ready to defend herself at all times. My siblings were minors at the time, and he told my mom that he didn’t care what it took; he would make us all homeless.

I could write an entire post just on that situation alone, but for length purposes, just know it was a horrible time to be his daughter. I went no contact for around a year with him and his parents due to the fallout. Obviously, we currently do speak, but the relationship is still strained.

I’m currently 36 weeks pregnant and don’t know what to do. I’ve been trying to gently tell him and my grandparents for months that we won’t be taking visitors in the hospital on the first day, and if we are ready on the second day, we will inform them. Due to my health concerns, I will be going under general anesthesia for a c-section, so I won’t even be the first person to meet my baby.

Pregnancy has not been a great experience for me as it was quite a shock, so my stress level for the last almost 9 months has been extremely high. Last week, my grandma took it upon herself to call me about the situation. To sum up the conversation, she tried to guilt trip me multiple times into letting my dad come to the hospital when the baby is born.

When “your dad just cares about you so much” didn’t work, it shifted to “it’s his first grandbaby; he deserves to be there.” Another standout was, “he can just see her through the nursery window and then leave.” I was truly stunned because he never indicated at all that he’s even the slightest bit interested in being an involved grandparent.

He does call me every couple of weeks to check in, which consists of him asking how I’m doing, then we talk about him for the remainder of the call. I did call him later that day to clarify what she said because I couldn’t believe what was happening. He apparently didn’t know she was going to call me, but he did eventually tell me that what she said was accurate to how he felt after some prying.

However, he seemed most concerned with the possibility that I would have my mom’s new husband there over him. He plainly said that he would not sit at home where he didn’t know what was going on, no matter what my final decision was. I must’ve still been in shock at the selfishness because I called him again today, and he said the same thing again.

I want to avoid the same level of falling out we had 4 years ago simply because the stress of being a first-time mother is already enough on its own. Him and his parents are not kind people and have spent years trying to manipulate or straight-up bully me and my siblings into doing what they want, whenever they want. I will say that the first time we fell out, I was in a horrible mental state, and I did lash out in extreme ways.

Until now, they’ve been somewhat scared to try it again, I guess. The only solutions I can come up with aren’t great. I can either fast track the inevitable blow-up this is going to cause and make it happen before the baby is born instead of after, tell them the wrong date for the scheduled c-section, lie and say we aren’t taking any visitors at all until we get home, or a combination of the three.

If I thought a heartfelt conversation about the past and why I don’t want him there would do literally anything, that would be my first choice. I want it to be very clear to anyone reading that these folks are the most selfish, spiteful, and straight-up mean-spirited people I’ve ever met in my 24 years of life. The sole reason I’m second-guessing anything is because my boyfriend made the comment that he feels pity for my dad because he will be the only person not there.

My response was that I can’t help that the consequences of the way my dad has chosen to live the last 24 years are now coming back to bite him in a big way. I feel pretty alone in this because I know I’m going to be spun by my dad and his parents to look like a horrible person to anyone and everyone that doesn’t know what’s gone on in the past. Without context, it does seem incredibly harsh, so maybe I really am taking it too far?

Advice or words of encouragement are very much welcomed and appreciated. EDIT: A few clarifications as I read comments. My boyfriend is absolutely not abusive, nor is he advocating for my dad to be there at all.

I was in an actual abusive relationship prior to him, which caused me to develop PTSD; this is absolutely not anything like that. He completely supports whatever decision I make. As a few people have guessed, he has a great relationship with his parents and does have a hard time wrapping his head around having a bad relationship with a parent.

His sentiment was, “it’s sad that your dad has done this to himself; I can’t imagine having a father like that nor being that type of father.” I was already upset at the situation, and I started overthinking and second-guessing myself at his very passive sympathy towards my dad. What I meant by my dad being there was in the waiting room, or in the hospital at all for that matter at this point.

Nobody will be seeing me give birth except for the doctors, as I will be intubated. The baby will go immediately to my boyfriend for skin-to-skin until I’m oriented enough to truly meet her. Both of our moms are in the healthcare field, and I have insane birth anxiety anyway, so they will serve as advocates and support people.

We have given the okay to our siblings and my boyfriend’s dad to be in the waiting room, and they understand the possibility of seeing us at all on day 1 is very slim. At most, they may get to pop their heads in for a couple of minutes, but that is not guaranteed. This has been explained to dad’s family multiple times over the course of several months.

Either they don’t understand, or they simply just don’t care. Nobody else has made a fuss or expects to be there at all. For everyone asking why dad’s family knows anything about me being pregnant at all, or why they’re involved in any capacity, we live in the middle of absolute nowhere.

Them just never finding out about it was never in the realm of possibility. My intention with involving them, if you can really call it that, was to be able to keep the situation somewhat under control. Unfortunately, it clearly didn’t really matter in the end anyway because here we are.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments emphasize the importance of setting boundaries during childbirth, particularly regarding the presence of the OP’s abusive father. Users overwhelmingly support the idea that the OP should prioritize her mental health and comfort, asserting that her boyfriend’s feelings should not take precedence over her well-being. Many commenters advocate for clear communication with medical staff to ensure that only desired individuals are present during the birth.

Verdict

NTA

Expert Advice for Navigating Family Conflict During Childbirth

Childbirth is a significant life event that can bring both joy and stress, especially when complicated by family dynamics. It’s essential to prioritize your mental health and comfort during this time. Here are some practical steps to help you navigate this conflict while maintaining your boundaries:

1. Establish Clear Boundaries

Communicating your boundaries is crucial. Here’s how to do it effectively:

Be Direct: Clearly state your wishes regarding hospital visits. For example, you might say, “I appreciate your interest, but I need to focus on my recovery and bonding with my baby without visitors initially.”
Use “I” Statements: Frame your feelings in a way that emphasizes your needs. For instance, “I feel overwhelmed thinking about visitors right after the birth, and I need some time to adjust.”

2. Communicate with Medical Staff

Ensure that your wishes are respected by involving the hospital staff:

Inform Your Healthcare Team: Discuss your preferences with your doctor or nurse. They can help enforce your wishes regarding visitors, ensuring that only those you want are allowed in.
Use a Support Person: Designate your boyfriend or another trusted individual to communicate with family members about your boundaries. This can relieve some pressure from you.

3. Prepare for Pushback

It’s likely that your father and grandmother may not respond positively to your boundaries. Here’s how to handle it:

Stay Firm: If they express disappointment or anger, remain calm and reiterate your needs. You might say, “I understand this is difficult for you, but my priority is my health and my baby.”
Limit Engagement: If conversations become heated or guilt-inducing, consider limiting your interactions. You don’t have to engage in discussions that compromise your well-being.

4. Seek Support

Having a support system is vital during this time:

Lean on Your Partner: Share your feelings with your boyfriend. Help him understand the depth of your family issues so he can provide the support you need.
Consider Professional Help: If the family dynamics are particularly challenging, talking to a therapist can provide you with coping strategies and emotional support.

5. Reflect on Future Relationships

As you prepare for your new family, consider the long-term implications of your relationships:

Evaluate Your Needs: Think about what kind of relationship you want with your father moving forward. It’s okay to prioritize your mental health and set boundaries that protect you and your child.
Be Open to Change: If you decide that going no contact is necessary for your well-being, that’s a valid choice. Your mental health should always come first.

In conclusion, navigating family dynamics during childbirth can be challenging, but prioritizing your needs and setting clear boundaries is essential. Remember, it’s okay to put yourself and your baby first. You deserve a supportive and peaceful environment as you welcome your new child into the world.