WIBTA For Telling A Kid With No Friends That My Kid Doesn’t Want To Hang Out?

WIBTA for telling a kid with no friends that my kid doesn’t want to hang out?

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Conflicted Empathy: A Mother’s Dilemma

In a heartfelt Reddit post, a mother grapples with the challenge of navigating her son’s discomfort with a socially challenged peer who is exploring their gender identity. As her son, a 15-year-old boy, expresses his desire to distance himself from a classmate who has developed a crush on him, she faces the tough decision of whether to communicate this to the other child. This relatable scenario highlights the complexities of friendship, empathy, and the struggles of adolescence, resonating with many parents who have encountered similar situations in today’s evolving social landscape.

Family Drama: Navigating Friendship and Identity

This story revolves around a mother, aged 40, and her 15-year-old son, who is facing a challenging situation with a peer. The narrative highlights themes of family drama, conflict resolution, and wedding tension as the mother contemplates how to handle her son’s discomfort with a friend.

Background: The mother has four children, three of whom are autistic. Her oldest son, 15, met another child, referred to as Other Kid (OK), during a sport they both participated in at age 12.
Friendship Dynamics: OK, who was assigned male at birth, has recently expressed a desire to live as a girl and has started wearing feminine clothing. They have developed a crush on the mother’s son, which has made him uncomfortable.
Social Challenges: OK has faced significant bullying in school, leading to their enrollment in a special school. They struggle with social interactions and do not have close friends.
Mother’s Dilemma: The mother feels empathetic towards OK’s situation but is conflicted about how to communicate her son’s feelings. He has expressed a desire not to spend time with OK due to their differing interests and the discomfort caused by OK’s advances.
Communication Attempts: The mother has managed to avoid direct interactions by informing OK that her son is busy whenever they come around. However, she is considering having an honest conversation with OK about her son’s feelings.
Concerns: The mother worries about being perceived as insensitive if she communicates her son’s disinterest. She also fears that brushing OK off may not effectively convey the message due to their social challenges.
Community Input: After posting on Reddit, the mother received feedback suggesting that having a direct conversation could be a valuable learning experience for her son. They emphasized the importance of clear communication in conflict resolution.
Next Steps: The mother plans to discuss strategies with her son to help him express his feelings to OK in a respectful manner. She acknowledges that her son is not very verbal, which may complicate the conversation.

In conclusion, this situation illustrates the complexities of navigating friendships, especially when identity and comfort levels are involved. The mother is striving to balance empathy for OK with her son’s needs, highlighting the importance of open communication in resolving conflicts within family dynamics.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

Hi, this is my first ever Reddit post, so I hope I do it right.

I, 40F, have 4 kids, but this relates to my oldest kiddo, 15M.

Some backstory: A few years back, at a sport my son used to do, he met a kid who I will refer to as Other Kid (OK) for the rest of the post. At that time, they were both 12, and OK, who was assigned male at birth, was identifying as a boy. I’ll refer to OK as they/them for the rest of the post, as I’m unsure what pronouns they currently use.

OK is a nice kid, and when they found out that we lived in the same suburb as them, they would ride their bike around, and my son and OK would occasionally go for a bike ride together. My son has since stopped that sport, and both kids are now 15. OK really is a sweet kid but very challenged socially.

I’m pretty sure they are autistic, and I say this only for clarity, not because I see autism as something negative; 3 of my kids are autistic. OK was bullied terribly in school, to the point that their mother enrolled them in a special school for kids who don’t fit into regular schools. OK doesn’t have any close friends.

Over the past 12 months or so, OK has told me that they want to start living as a girl, and they have also started wearing more feminine clothes. As a result, they sometimes ride around in crop tops stuffed with fillers and tight jeans. They have also sent text messages to my son saying that they have a crush on him.

This has made my son feel quite uncomfortable, and he’s expressed that he doesn’t want to be friends with or spend time with OK. Luckily, each time OK has come around, my son has been out, and I’ve been able to let them know that my son is busy. However, and this is where I’m wondering if I’ll be an AH, I feel like I need to have an honest conversation with OK that my son doesn’t want to hang out anymore as they don’t have any common interests.

I would never force my son to spend time with someone who makes him feel uncomfortable. I feel conflicted because I’m very empathetic, and I do feel sad that OK has no friends and that they are lonely. WIBTA if I am honest with them, or should I just keep brushing them off and hope they eventually get the point, which may not happen due to their lack of ability to notice more subtle cues?

EDIT: Thank you to everyone who has responded; I have read all the comments and appreciate them!

To maybe clarify a couple of things, OK and my son have never been what I would call friends. They just chatted a bit at their sport and maybe went for 1 or 2 bike rides around our suburb. OK has a special interest which they talk about often, and it’s totally different from my son’s interests.

I don’t actually know the parents; I chatted to OK’s mother a couple of times back when the kids were doing the sport together. My son is totally fine with trans people; he has a close trans relative. He is just a bit awkward himself and has felt a bit unsure how to voice that he doesn’t want to pursue a friendship with OK.

OK has also given me their number, which made me feel a tad uncomfortable as they are a minor, but my son doesn’t have it, and I have politely declined to give his phone number to OK. I’ll chat to my son about some strategies to maybe let OK know he doesn’t want to hang out; alas, he is a boy of few words, so I’m worried it’ll be very blunt, but you all are right that it would be a good learning experience.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments emphasize the importance of teaching the son to set his own boundaries and communicate directly with the other person involved. Many users agree that at 15, the son should handle the situation himself, as doing it for him could lead to embarrassment and hinder his ability to manage similar situations in the future. Overall, the consensus is that the son should politely but firmly decline the unwanted advances, reinforcing the idea of personal agency and respect.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

Navigating the complexities of friendship, identity, and personal boundaries can be challenging, especially for young individuals. Here are some practical steps for both the mother and her son to address the situation with empathy and respect.

For the Mother

Encourage Open Dialogue: Create a safe space for your son to express his feelings about OK. Ask open-ended questions to help him articulate his discomfort and thoughts.
Discuss Boundaries: Talk to your son about the importance of setting personal boundaries. Help him understand that it’s okay to say no and that he has the right to choose who he spends time with.
Role-Playing Scenarios: Practice potential conversations with your son. Role-playing can help him feel more comfortable and prepared to communicate his feelings to OK directly.
Support His Decision: Reassure your son that it’s okay to prioritize his comfort. Let him know that you support his decision, whatever it may be, and that he can always come to you for guidance.
Consider a Direct Conversation: If your son feels comfortable, suggest that you have a conversation with OK together. This can provide a supportive environment for your son to express his feelings while also showing OK that he is valued.

For the Son

Be Honest but Kind: If you decide to communicate with OK, be clear about your feelings. You can say something like, “I appreciate your friendship, but I don’t feel comfortable spending time together right now.”
Practice Assertiveness: Remember that it’s important to stand up for yourself. You have the right to express your feelings without feeling guilty or pressured.
Seek Support: If you find it difficult to communicate directly, consider asking a trusted adult or friend to help facilitate the conversation. Having support can make it easier to express your feelings.
Reflect on Your Feelings: Take some time to think about what you want in friendships. Understanding your own feelings can help you communicate more effectively with others.
Be Respectful: While it’s important to express your boundaries, try to do so in a way that is respectful of OK’s feelings. Acknowledge their struggles while still being clear about your own needs.

Conclusion

Resolving conflicts involving friendship and identity requires sensitivity and understanding from both sides. By fostering open communication and encouraging personal agency, both the mother and her son can navigate this situation with empathy and respect. Remember, it’s essential to prioritize comfort and boundaries while also being considerate of others’ feelings.