WIBTA For Going Low Contact With My Family After My Mother Invited My Ex To Live With Her And Work At The Same Place As I Do

WIBTA for going low contact with my family after my mother invited my ex to live with her and work at the same place as I do

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

When Family Ties Become Toxic

In a tale of complicated relationships, a young woman grapples with her past when her mother invites her manipulative ex-boyfriend to live nearby, despite her clear desire to cut ties. After years of emotional turmoil and financial strain caused by her ex, she faces the dilemma of prioritizing her own mental health over familial obligations. This story resonates with anyone who has navigated the challenges of toxic friendships and the struggle to maintain boundaries with loved ones. Can she find a way to protect herself without severing her family ties completely?

Family Drama Over Ex’s Arrival

A 26-year-old woman (referred to as “Me”) is facing significant family drama after her mother invited her ex-boyfriend to move to their city and work at the same place as them. The situation has escalated into a conflict that raises questions about boundaries and family loyalty.

Background:
- Me started dating her ex (26M) at 16, but they broke up after 8 months.
- After the breakup, her ex came out as gay, and they drifted apart due to his problematic behavior, including financial irresponsibility and excessive drinking.
- Me moved to Germany at 19 to escape the toxic friendship and went no contact with her ex, despite him maintaining a relationship with her mother.
Recent Developments:
- After living in her old city for over six years, Me moved with her mother to a new city for a fresh start.
- Unbeknownst to Me, her mother invited her ex to move to their new city and work at the same place, hiding this information for weeks.
- Me’s sister and brother were aware of the situation but chose not to inform her, anticipating her negative reaction.
Conflict Resolution Attempts:
- Upon learning about her ex’s impending arrival, Me expressed her anger and disappointment to her mother.
- Me’s mother assured her that she had told the ex not to contact her, but he did so anyway, leading to further frustration.
- Me firmly stated that she does not want to rekindle any friendship with her ex and feels uncomfortable with him knowing personal details about her life.
Final Decisions:
- Me sent a message to her ex, clearly stating her desire for him not to come to their town or work at the same place.
- She also informed her mother that she would minimize contact if her ex moved in, expressing her discontent with the situation.
- Me is now contemplating moving again to avoid the conflict, despite having a good job and a supportive boyfriend in the area.
Reflection:
- Me feels guilty about potentially hurting her mother but believes her mother’s actions have also caused her pain.
- She is questioning whether she is overreacting and if minimizing contact with her family is justified given the circumstances.

This situation highlights the complexities of family dynamics, especially when past relationships and financial needs intertwine, leading to wedding tension and unresolved conflicts.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

I, a 26F, started dating my ex, a 26M, when we were 16. We broke up 8 months later but stayed friends. Months after the breakup, he came out as gay, mentioning this so people won’t think he wants me back.

Anyway, we started to drift apart because, honestly, I just didn’t like him as a person. He owed everyone money, drank a lot, and gossiped. He would ask my mom for money to buy cigarettes and alcohol.

I got new friends who were so supportive when I didn’t have a place to stay and helped me find a job while my supposed best friend was nowhere to be seen. But, of course, when he needed help with money, he suddenly showed up. I wasn’t doing well financially, so I decided to move to Germany when I was almost 19 and moved in with my mom.

I decided to go no contact with him because I just didn’t see myself being friends with him. Over the years, he would try to be friends again, and he even kept in contact with my mother all these years, but I didn’t want to. I asked her to stop talking to him multiple times because it made me uncomfortable when they would talk about me.

They never stopped. Once I blocked him from my mom’s phone, I know it was wrong, and he went crying to my sister, who went off on me. Honestly, I was too tired from his drama and need for attention.

I lived in my old city for over 6 years until I got tired of working as a housekeeper and decided to apply for a job in a different city. I wanted to apply in a city 30 minutes away from where I lived but accidentally applied for one that was 200 km away. I was actually excited because I thought I could have a fresh start away from everyone.

But I saw my mom struggling at work and asked if she wanted to move as well, and after some back and forth, she agreed. Now I realize it was a mistake because now, one year later after we moved, she told me she invited my ex to move here as well and work at the same place as we both do without asking me first. I also found out that my sister and brother knew this for weeks.

My sister told my mom to not tell me anything before our family vacation because she knew I wouldn’t approve and would be in a spoiled mood the whole trip, so the best next thing she thought was to just wait until the vacation was over. My mother came over to my place on Friday and just told me about him coming here. I was not only pissed about him coming, but also I know in what state my mother’s apartment is; it’s a disaster.

I also had some of my things at her place, so I went with her to clean since he will arrive on the 13th of this month. She told me she told him to not talk to me because she knows I want nothing to do with him, but he didn’t listen. On Friday, when I got home, he contacted me asking general questions about the city, including if they sell alcohol 24/7 here… predictable.

Then he wanted to talk, saying how he thought she told me earlier and then started to get more personal and started talking about my boyfriend. I found out my mother was complaining about my boyfriend to my ex because she does not like him or approve of him because of his religion. My ex started to say how he approves and stuff like that, and I honestly don’t care.

I only thought about how my mother won’t stop talking about me to him, which makes me angry and disappointed. I told him the details of my relationship are personal and I’m not going to share, and he just asked, “But can you at least tell if the sex is good?” Honestly, after almost 8 years, he has not changed.

He also wanted me to meet him when he arrives, and I said no. He wanted to get coffee with me and to be friends again, and I told him it’s not happening. He just said that I just think like this for now and will change my mind.

I told him 8 years haven’t changed my mind, so no. He’s the same leech as he was back then. He wanted my mother to buy him a ticket; he didn’t have a suitcase and wanted to borrow one. He can’t find his way around and said how this is stressing him out because it’s the first time he travels alone.

Honestly, I don’t know what to think. After talking to my boyfriend, I texted him this: “I’m gonna be honest. I don’t want you to come to this town or work at the same place as I do. I don’t want to see you or talk to you. I applied to this job wanting a fresh start away from everyone.”

“We will never be friends because I’m not interested. You’re nothing to me, and I don’t like that you know details of my life or talk to my mother. You are a stranger to me.”

Then I blocked him and texted my mother. Me: “I blocked his number and texted him before that I don’t want him to come here.” My mother: “Clear.” Me: “If you need help with money, okay, I will pay my bills and help you until your lease breaks, and you will be able to get a cheaper apartment. That is if he won’t come.”

“If he comes, I will stay away from both of you. I will not stop contact with you, but I will minimize it. You didn’t care what I think and knew I wouldn’t be happy about this.” My mother: “I won’t say anything.”

The reason why she would taint our relationship and invited him is that she owes a lot of money and wants to charge him rent so she would have more money. I’m now considering moving, but I don’t want to. I have a good job here, my boyfriend is here, and the rent is cheap as well.

But I really can’t stand the guy. Even my friends that know him as well cannot stand him. I feel bad about hurting my mother, but she hurt me too. Am I overreacting, and would I be the asshole if I minimize contact with my family over this?

Short version

My mom invited my ex, who is a leech, to live with her and work at the same place as we both do without asking me first because she needs money. She lied to me by hiding it for weeks, and now I want to minimize contact with my family since they also knew and did not tell me while knowing I would be mad about this.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) should prioritize their own well-being and distance themselves from their mother and her choices. Many users emphasize the importance of setting boundaries, particularly regarding the mother’s relationship with the ex-partner, and suggest going no contact with family members who support this situation. Overall, the comments advocate for self-protection and assertiveness in dealing with family dynamics.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Navigating family dynamics, especially when past relationships are involved, can be incredibly challenging. Here are some practical steps to help you address the situation with empathy and assertiveness:

For You (the Original Poster)

Reflect on Your Feelings: Take time to understand your emotions regarding your ex’s presence in your life and your mother’s actions. Acknowledge your feelings of anger, betrayal, and discomfort.
Communicate Clearly: Have an open and honest conversation with your mother. Express how her decision affects you and why it is important for you to maintain boundaries with your ex. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory (e.g., “I feel uncomfortable knowing my ex will be in our lives again”).
Set Boundaries: Clearly outline what you are comfortable with moving forward. This may include limiting contact with your mother if she continues to support your ex’s presence. Be firm but respectful in your boundaries.
Consider Professional Support: If the situation feels overwhelming, consider speaking with a therapist or counselor. They can provide guidance on managing family dynamics and help you process your feelings.
Evaluate Your Options: If the situation does not improve, think about what steps you can take to protect your mental health. This might include relocating or finding ways to create physical and emotional distance from your ex and your mother.

For Your Mother and Family

Encourage Open Dialogue: Your mother should be open to discussing her decisions and the impact they have on you. Encourage her to listen to your concerns without becoming defensive.
Respect Your Boundaries: Your family members, including your mother, need to understand and respect your boundaries regarding your ex. They should not pressure you to accept his presence in your life.
Reflect on Their Choices: Your family should consider the implications of their actions. They need to recognize that supporting your ex may strain family relationships and cause you emotional distress.
Seek Family Counseling: If the conflict persists, suggest family counseling. A neutral third party can help facilitate discussions and mediate the situation, allowing everyone to express their feelings in a safe environment.

Conclusion

Ultimately, prioritizing your well-being is essential. While it may be difficult to navigate these family dynamics, setting clear boundaries and communicating openly can help you find a resolution that respects your needs and feelings. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your mental health and seek support when needed.