Update: AITAH For Being “high Conflict” With My Ex And His Wife Over Our Kids?

Update: AITAH for being “high conflict” with my ex and his wife over our kids?

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

When Co-Parenting Turns Toxic

In a heart-wrenching tale of co-parenting gone awry, a mother grapples with her ex-husband’s refusal to take responsibility for his visitation rights while juggling her own emotional turmoil. As she navigates the complexities of shared custody, she finds herself at a breaking point, torn between wanting her children to have a relationship with their father and the overwhelming burden of his selfishness. This story resonates with many parents who have faced similar struggles, highlighting the challenges of maintaining a healthy co-parenting dynamic amidst personal grievances and conflicting priorities.

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This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

Quick edit, sorry if I can’t reply to everyone. And sorry for the dumb formatting; I wrote this in the notes app initially because writing it in the Reddit app is annoying. Also, I’m pretty emotional now, but I think you’ve already changed my mind about offering to drop child support. I will be going for full 100 custody, though.

Unfortunately, things have degenerated since my last post. To get this out of the way, I am in therapy usually once every other month or so; it was more often closer to the divorce, and so are my kids. I know Harry was seeing someone when he lived here; I have no idea if he still does.

He was supposed to have the kids next weekend as scheduled. Wouldn’t you believe it, but the other day he called—they got last-minute tickets to a concert out of town and asked if the kids could stay here. I let him know that I actually had plans the entire weekend that had been set months ago, so he asked if I could either bring them or if they could stay with one of my family members in my city.

I normally would have done just that and pulled out my calendar and marked this off as another missed visitation, but I was just sick of it! I told him he needed to figure it out and NOT to call my relatives in his city. They were not his personal FREE babysitters, and he was their father, so he needed to start acting like it.

He got upset and said he was ‘drowning.’ I almost laughed but didn’t, asking him what he meant, and he said he was struggling financially due to the child support and felt like I was trying to punish him for moving. He said I was allowed to be upset we weren’t together anymore but needed to put the kids first and work with him.

I couldn’t believe he was saying those things. He knows why our marriage ended; he knows that I have moved mountains to make our co-parenting relationship work, and I have pages of texts and emails of him thanking me for being so accommodating and sympathetic to his situation. Some were even just a few weeks ago.

I hung up; I was at work and did not have the emotional bandwidth to be lied to about this shit. He tried calling me back a few times, but I had meetings, and I realized I shouldn’t have spoken in anger, so I wanted to calm down. He even had his wife call me a few times, but I let it go to voicemail.

She left a few cruel ones, nothing shocking, just saying I’m bitter and jealous that Harry moved on and wanted to punish them. I want to emphasize again that I would rather cut my legs off than be back together with him. I’m the one who filed for divorce and stuck to my guns.

It’s like these two live in some kind of delusion where I not only want my ex back—barf—but I have never helped them once. When I got home, I pulled the calendar for the past two years, which had every missed visitation, including last-minute requests, all color-coded accordingly. I emailed this to both of them and said that Harry was responsible for coming up with appropriate childcare during his visitation.

And that if he was finding that challenging, we could look into changing the visitation schedule to something more accommodating to their busy lifestyles. Then I left to take my kids to their sports practices. I did not hear from him.

Normally, Harry calls our kids every school night around 8 PM, but he didn’t that night. I felt guilty, as I’ve said the only goal here is for my kids to grow up with a present father. It might have been dumb, but I did call him that evening so he could say goodnight to them, but he sent me to voicemail.

I told the kids he had gotten caught up at work, which does happen often enough that they weren’t weirded out. At about 3 AM, he sent me maybe the longest text in recorded history. I have my phone on sleep mode but keep his and my parent’s numbers able to alert me for obvious reasons, and I’m a light sleeper, so I did wake up.

But I was half asleep, saw how long the text was, and decided it was a problem for the morning. I wish I had gotten up because he ended up sending a few more. The texts really just proved that they do not occupy the same reality as me.

They were all self-centered and deranged, and even when he brought up the kids, it was all about him, his wife, and their lives and feelings, saying that it is my job as a mother to facilitate the kids’ relationship with him because he could have easily forced me to move to the city he’s in—WTF?—but chose not to so I could stay here with my support system.

I don’t thank Amy enough for ‘opening her life’ to the kids by keeping her dog in their room when the kids are here and giving them their own bedrooms, even though they’re empty much of the time. He and Amy are ‘young newlyweds’; they are neither of those things and deserve to have that honeymoon period with trips and opportunities without me putting up roadblocks.

A lot of it was that insane belief that I am somehow jealous and have always been jealous of Amy and needed to get over that for the kids. Apparently, my cruelty knows no bounds because I have never driven the kids to him in his new city—the court order is for him to do so since he’s the one that moved. This is standard, and no offense, I’m already FURIOUS that my kids have to spend so much time in the car every few weeks, and I’m not putting miles on my car just so that he doesn’t have to drive more.

At one point, because I know the kids hate the long drives, I offered to split costs for flights between our cities, which are like 30 minutes and anywhere from $50 to $75 per ticket, so not cheap but saves time, and he refused, saying the airport in this city is ‘annoying to get to.’ There is no direct Amtrak between our cities; it would be like 8 hours plus, I believe.

They might just get full custody and make me be the one to jump through hoops to see my children so that I can know how they feel, you know? Simply just get full custody because apparently, in their world, they deserve every little whim of their own desire. Accused me of financial abuse for upping child support when I wasn’t destitute.

Apparently, unless I’m living under the poverty line, my kids don’t deserve financial help from their father. I have PTO to burn and just decided to take one today because I’m so overwhelmed and upset about all of this. YES, I did screenshot all of these for my lawyer.

I don’t want to be the cause of my kids’ father abandoning them, but I have been at and beyond my limit for so long I don’t know what to do. They both treat me so horribly and

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the ex-partner is manipulative and neglectful, with many users urging the commenter to prioritize the well-being of her children over her ex’s demands. There is a clear recommendation for her to seek legal action to secure more custody and child support, as well as to establish firm boundaries with her ex. Overall, the comments emphasize the importance of protecting the children from an abusive environment and not accommodating the father’s unreasonable requests.

Verdict: YTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

In situations involving custody and co-parenting, emotions can run high, and it’s essential to approach the conflict with empathy and a focus on the children’s best interests. Here are some practical steps for both the commenter and her ex-partner to consider:

For the Commenter

Prioritize the Children: Always keep the children’s well-being at the forefront of any decisions. Consider their emotional and physical safety as paramount.
Establish Boundaries: Clearly communicate your boundaries with your ex-partner. Let him know what is acceptable and what is not, especially regarding his demands.
Seek Legal Guidance: Consult with a family law attorney to understand your rights and options regarding custody and child support. Legal advice can provide clarity and help you navigate the situation effectively.
Document Everything: Keep a record of all interactions with your ex, especially those that demonstrate manipulative or neglectful behavior. This documentation can be crucial if legal action becomes necessary.
Consider Mediation: If communication with your ex is challenging, consider involving a neutral third party, such as a mediator, to facilitate discussions and help reach an agreement.
Focus on Self-Care: Managing a difficult co-parenting relationship can be stressful. Ensure you are taking care of your own mental and emotional health, which will enable you to be a better parent.

For the Ex-Partner

Reflect on Your Actions: Take time to consider how your behavior may be affecting your children and your relationship with your ex-partner. Acknowledging any manipulative tendencies is the first step toward change.
Communicate Openly: If you have concerns or requests, express them calmly and respectfully. Avoid making demands that may come off as unreasonable or controlling.
Seek Support: If you are struggling with feelings of inadequacy or resentment, consider talking to a therapist or counselor. Professional support can help you process your emotions and improve your co-parenting skills.
Put the Children First: Always prioritize the needs and feelings of your children. Understand that their well-being should come before personal grievances with your ex-partner.
Be Willing to Compromise: Co-parenting requires flexibility and compromise. Be open to finding solutions that work for both you and your ex, always with the children’s best interests in mind.

Ultimately, both parties must work towards a resolution that prioritizes the children’s safety and happiness. Open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to seek help can pave the way for a healthier co-parenting relationship.