UPDATE: AITA For Not Dropping Everything When My Mother Was Dying And Waiting Until The Funeral Home Has Death Certificates Before Planning Anything?

UPDATE: AITA for not dropping everything when my mother was dying and waiting until the funeral home has death certificates before planning anything?

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Family Ties and Unresolved Trauma: A Complex Farewell

In a heart-wrenching update, a person grapples with the aftermath of their abusive mother’s sudden death from cancer, revealing the tangled web of family dynamics and unresolved trauma. As they navigate the complexities of funeral arrangements and probate, they face judgment from relatives who misunderstand their situation, all while dealing with the emotional fallout of a lifetime of abuse. This story resonates with many who have experienced familial pressure and the struggle for autonomy in the face of grief, making it a thought-provoking reflection on the complexities of love and loss.

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution After Loss

In a recent update, a user shared their experience following the sudden death of their abusive mother due to cancer complications. The situation has led to significant family drama and wedding tension, as they navigate the aftermath of their mother’s passing.

Background: The user’s mother had a history of abuse, including emotional and financial manipulation. Despite her performative support, she often misgendered and deadnamed the user in front of others.
Funeral Arrangements: The user is facing pressure from family members to return home for a funeral, but they prefer to wait until they receive the death certificate to make arrangements.
Family Conflict: A no-contact family member has spread rumors that the user has neglected their mother’s body, leading to negative messages from relatives. The user clarified that their mother has been cremated and has decided to exclude certain family members from any potential funeral.
Legal Challenges: The user is seeking a new attorney for probate matters, as their previous attorney was unhelpful. They are currently out of state and unable to manage their mother’s affairs directly.
Property Issues: The condition of the mother’s house is concerning, with reports of a burst pipe and potential pest issues. The user has turned off utilities but is aware that the house may need to be demolished.
Financial Strain: The user lives paycheck to paycheck and is struggling with the costs associated with travel and funeral arrangements. They have faced judgment from others regarding their financial decisions and travel expenses.
Emotional Toll: The user expressed feeling overwhelmed by the situation and the ongoing family drama, especially with the potential for conflict during any funeral proceedings.

The user is also considering the financial implications of their mother’s estate, as it may provide some relief from their current financial struggles. They have faced criticism for wanting to benefit from the estate, given their mother’s history of financial abuse.

As the user continues to navigate this challenging time, they remain focused on finding a resolution that honors their mother’s wishes while also protecting their own well-being.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story: TW Transphobia, family loss, cancer and treatment, mentions of various forms of abuse physical, mental, emotional, financial

Hey everyone. I greatly appreciate the support on my original post. Some of y’all seemed invested, so I’m back with a hopefully short update.

This is also a whole lot sooner than I thought I’d be. I’ll be making a comment for y’all to upvote if you want more updates. You can find the original post here.

Original post TLDR: My abusive mother died kind of suddenly from complications due to cancer. She didn’t have any sort of life insurance or arrangements. I couldn’t afford to drop everything and fly halfway across the country to be with her in her final moments; I’m still not sure how I’m going to afford it for a funeral.

People are getting pushy about me coming home and having a funeral. I just want to wait until we have copies of the death certificate so I can get as much done as possible while there. So in the original post, I gave the cliff notes version of my mother’s abuse and the whole situation with her.

My partner’s reaction when they read this was, “Wow, you really sugar-coated that.” My mother was performatively supportive of me, so everyone thinks she was a wonderful person. A lot of the people messaging me have no idea that I have gone by a different name for nearly seven years because if I wasn’t there, she deadnamed and misgendered me to people.

People mentioned therapy in the comments of the last post. I’ve been in and out of therapy for years, but I struggle to find a therapist who actually works for me. I’m very self-aware of my issues and what I’m struggling with.

As a result, therapists tend to shrug off issues as I logically know how to deal with them. Anyway, now for the updates. I woke up a few days after posting my original post to a message from a family member.

Apparently, one of my no-contact family members, my grandmother, and two aunts on my dad’s side are telling people that I haven’t done anything with my mother’s body yet. Basically, they are telling people that I just left her at a morgue to rot, which some of y’all probably think is less than my mother would deserve.

So despite the fact that there are people who know that I had my mother cremated, I’ve been getting shitty messages about that. Said family members also will not be allowed at the funeral if I end up having one. It’s one of the few requests my mom actually made, and even if she hadn’t, I wouldn’t want them there.

Good news: I should have death certificates by the end of this week! I’m going to be looking for a new attorney for filing probate. I called to ask for resources and help in getting the information they want and basically got told to just look through my mother’s mail.

I’m out of state and hundreds of miles away. Due to some stuff that happened while my mother was going through treatment, there isn’t really anyone I trust to do that for me. So basically, the probate attorney I was talking to told me they couldn’t help me and to just figure it out.

People have already started messaging me about buying things of my mom’s and don’t seem to understand that I can’t legally sell anything until after probate has started. I’ve learned exactly what sort of condition that house is in from a family friend who is a contractor. It’s about what I expected and likely would just need to be torn down.

I did call and turn off utilities. A pipe had already burst in the house while my mom was in the hospital, and there’s no one there, so maybe the cold will actually kill the bugs finally? People are still being judgy about me not dropping everything and waiting to have a funeral.

People are also trying to argue semantics over the costs of travel and stuff. Like, my original notice to everyone on social media happened during holiday travel when last-minute plane tickets were over $1,000. People are now, two weeks later, looking up prices on my behalf and then being judgy because it is only like $500 now.

They also don’t seem to understand that I literally can’t afford it as I live paycheck to paycheck. That’s all I’ve got for the moment. I have a feeling shit is going to hit the fan either at the funeral or if I tell people I’ve decided not to have a funeral or anything.

Sorry if this is a little all over. Between this situation and everything going on in this country, I’m just so tired. Edit: For anyone who missed it or is suggesting donating to science, I had my mother cremated.

For those suggesting that I wash my hands of the whole situation, her house, property, and whatnot has the potential to be worth it monetarily even after paying her debts. The house and vehicles are all paid off.

For anyone who thinks that is selfish or something, my mom literally stole money from me for years. I’m struggling financially, living paycheck to paycheck, and could use the money from the estate.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus around the idea of expressing gratitude towards those offering to help with travel expenses for a memorial service. Users emphasize the importance of acknowledging the support from friends and suggest practical steps, like changing locks, to secure the deceased’s belongings. Overall, the comments reflect a compassionate approach to navigating grief while managing external pressures.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict After Loss

Dealing with the aftermath of a loved one’s passing, especially in complex family dynamics, can be incredibly challenging. Here are some practical steps to help navigate this situation while addressing both the user’s needs and the concerns of family members.

Steps for Conflict Resolution

Prioritize Self-Care: Acknowledge your emotional state and take time to process your feelings. Consider speaking with a therapist or counselor who specializes in grief and family dynamics.
Communicate Clearly: Reach out to family members who are pressuring you about the funeral. Explain your position calmly and assertively, emphasizing your need for time to handle the situation appropriately.
Set Boundaries: It’s essential to establish clear boundaries with family members, especially those who have been unsupportive in the past. Politely but firmly communicate what you are comfortable with regarding the funeral and any discussions about your mother’s estate.
Seek Support: Accept help from friends or supportive family members who understand your situation. If someone offers to assist with travel expenses, express your gratitude and consider their offer seriously.
Legal and Financial Guidance: Find a new attorney who can help you navigate the probate process effectively. This will alleviate some of the stress related to managing your mother’s estate and property issues.
Address Property Concerns: If the condition of your mother’s house is a concern, consider hiring a professional to assess the damage. This can help you make informed decisions about whether to repair or demolish the property.
Plan the Memorial Thoughtfully: If you decide to hold a memorial service, consider a format that honors your mother’s wishes while also being manageable for you. This could be a small gathering with only supportive family and friends.
Document Everything: Keep records of all communications regarding your mother’s estate and funeral arrangements. This can be helpful if disputes arise later.
Focus on Healing: Remember that it’s okay to prioritize your well-being. Grieving is a personal journey, and it’s important to take the time you need to heal.

Addressing Family Concerns

While it’s crucial to focus on your needs, acknowledging the feelings of family members can also help ease tensions:

Listen Actively: When family members express their concerns, listen without interruption. This can help them feel heard and may reduce their defensiveness.
Share Your Perspective: Explain your experiences with your mother’s abuse and how it has shaped your current decisions. This context may help family members understand your choices better.
Encourage Unity: If appropriate, suggest a family meeting to discuss the funeral and estate matters. This can provide a platform for open dialogue and may help resolve misunderstandings.

By taking these steps, you can navigate this difficult time with compassion for yourself and others, ultimately leading to a more peaceful resolution.