[UPDATE 2] AITA For Cutting Contact With My Childhood Best Friend Because She Demanded That I Break Up With My Fiancé?

[UPDATE 2] AITA for cutting contact with my childhood best friend because she demanded that I break up with my fiancé?

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Family Secrets and Betrayal: A Daughter’s Heartbreaking Discovery

In a shocking dinner revelation, a young woman learns that her mother has been harboring deep-seated resentment towards her, comparing her unfavorably to a family friend’s daughter. As she grapples with the painful realization that her mother wished for a different life, she questions the trustworthiness of those around her, including her father, who has kept these secrets hidden. This story resonates with anyone who has ever felt the weight of family expectations and the complexities of parental relationships, making it a thought-provoking exploration of love, loyalty, and the quest for self-identity.

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Daughter’s Perspective

In a recent family dinner, a daughter learned shocking truths about her mother’s feelings towards her and the dynamics with a family friend, Mary. The revelations have led to significant wedding tension and a reevaluation of family relationships.

Background: The daughter had dinner with her father, where they discussed her mother and Mary, a family friend.
Mother’s Behavior: The mother had always been concerned about others’ opinions, especially after meeting Mary’s mother, who often criticized her parenting and lifestyle choices.
Influence of Mary’s Family: Mary’s family appeared perfect, which led the mother to try to emulate them, including enrolling the daughter in dance classes to mirror Mary’s activities.
Comparisons and Resentment: The daughter discovered that her mother had been comparing her unfavorably to Mary, expressing a wish that Mary were her real daughter and blaming the daughter for her unfulfilled dreams.
Traumatic Birth Experience: The mother had a difficult birth with the daughter, which led to her blaming the daughter for not being able to have more children.
Mother’s Relationship with Mary: The mother’s close relationship with Mary and her mother seemed to stem from a desire to live vicariously through them, particularly in hopes of becoming a grandmother.
Father’s Perspective: The father revealed that he had considered divorce multiple times but feared losing custody of the daughter. He had not confronted the mother about her negative comments, believing it was better to wait until the daughter moved out.
Involvement of In-Laws: The mother reached out to the daughter’s mother-in-law, expressing concerns about the daughter’s relationship with her fiancé, Dave. The mother-in-law responded firmly, indicating that the daughter and Dave were adults capable of handling their own issues.
Disappointment and Confusion: The daughter felt disappointed by her mother’s actions and is contemplating cutting ties, unsure of how to proceed without adding stress to her father’s already rocky marriage.
Reflection on Relationships: The daughter is questioning the trustworthiness of those around her, including her father, and is troubled by the lack of intervention from other family members regarding her mother’s behavior.

This situation highlights the complexities of family dynamics, the impact of external influences, and the challenges of conflict resolution within familial relationships. The daughter is left to navigate her feelings of betrayal and disappointment while considering the best course of action for her own well-being and her father’s peace of mind.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

I just want to say this in advance: I don’t know if my dad was telling the full truth! I do believe him, but he might have exaggerated or left things out. It’s entirely possible that he lied to a certain extent – I personally don’t think that, but then again, most of the things he told me yesterday, I’ve heard about for the first time and they make him seem incredibly innocent.

Maybe he was lying? I don’t know. This whole situation just makes me question who I can trust in general.

So, we had dinner with my dad last night and it went pretty well overall. We mainly talked about my mom and Mary. Apparently, my mom had always been concerned about what others thought about her, but when she met Mary’s mother, it reached a whole new level.

Mary’s mother often criticized my mom for all sorts of things – her parenting style, her clothes, her house, you name it. Whenever it was something that my mom could change, she changed it immediately to appease Mary’s mother. That’s also why I was put into dance classes when I was younger – because Mary’s mother signed Mary up for dance classes, one of many examples.

So yeah, as most comments suggested, she’s being pushed around by Mary’s mom. Is she a narcissist? I don’t know, I’m not a psychologist. One thing to know about Mary’s family is that they do a damn good job at appearing perfect.

Happy family, nice jobs, nice house, etc. I guess my mom bought their persona and tried to copy it. I’m not going to trash talk the whole family here, but let’s just say that they have just as many flaws as any other family.

Also, my mom was apparently talking shit about me to my dad. Comparing me to Mary in basically every way, and she even said multiple times that she wished Mary was her real daughter. She also believes that I took away her chance to live her dream life.

Fun fact, but according to my dad, my mom’s apparently HUGE on family. She always wanted to have at least four children – ironic, I know. She had a pretty traumatic birth experience with me, and doctors told her that she shouldn’t try for children again – yeah, apparently she’s blaming me for that.

She then hoped that she’d get to live her dream through me – basically that I have a lot of children. Bit of TMI right here, but I’ve mentioned it in the comments a few times already, so whatever. I can’t get pregnant, like at all, which means she luckily won’t get any grandchildren from me.

I guess she sticks so close to Mary and Mary’s mother because she hopes to be a grandma to Mary’s potential children. That’s honestly so creepy and messed up in my opinion, but well, we’re talking about my mom here.

I also feel the need to clarify that I didn’t know ANY of that. My mom never said anything negative about me to my face – sure, there were some comparisons here and there, but nothing major or something that had an impact on me. It’s always been just general stuff that parents tend to do – comparing grades, behavior, skills, etc.

She’s also never directly blamed me for her inability to have any more children and never said anything bad about me not being able to conceive – this is all just stuff she apparently said behind my back. She’s always been pretty alright to me. She most definitely wasn’t the best mom ever, but she wasn’t horrible either – just a person who, in my opinion, shouldn’t have had a child in the first place.

My dad also admitted that he’d considered divorcing her a few times, but never went through with it because he was scared that my mom would get primary custody. He’s currently considering it again, so let’s see how that goes.

As for why he never stood up to my mom? He genuinely didn’t have a reason for it. He knew that my mom’s never said anything like the things above to my face, so he didn’t think that he should tell me – at least not until I moved out.

He didn’t engage in these types of conversations with my mom and kept telling her to stop every time – which caused a lot of fighting between them. I knew that their marriage was messed up, but I always thought this had different reasons.

Also, my mom reached out to my mother-in-law and complained about Dave – how he changed me and stuff, referring to me cutting off Mary and choosing my fiancé over my best friend. My MIL, who’s an absolute angel, btw, simply asked her why she’s discussing this with her since Dave and I are adults – there’s no need to contact her for it.

My mom also told her that Mary said that Dave is cheating on me. She then simply told my mom, “Sounds like Mary’s projecting,” and hung up. I’m honestly so pissed that my mom tried to involve her in this situation, and I can’t help but wonder if she tried to create conflict between my MIL and my fiancé.

Maybe she genuinely believes Mary and wanted to warn my MIL, but I guess that would be wishful thinking. For some background, my MIL was a single mom because her ex-boyfriend, Dave’s father, cheated on her shortly after giving birth – as you might be able to imagine, she hates cheaters with a burning passion, and my mom obviously knew that.

So yeah, I guess my mom talked to Mary, who doubled down, and my mom decided to believe her. I was expecting that this would happen, but honestly, I’m really disappointed. I’m not even sad, angry, or anything – just absolutely disappointed and confused.

I’m currently considering sending her one last text before cutting her out for now, but I don’t know if I should give her the pleasure of receiving an explanation. I’m still on the fence about cutting ties with her in general, mainly for my dad’s sake.

Their marriage is rocky already, and although he’s considering divorcing her, I’m not sure if he’ll actually go through with it. Keeping in contact with one parent while not talking to the other one must put a whole lot of stress on the parent you’re still in touch with, and I quite honestly don’t want to worsen my dad’s home life any further.

It’s so crazy how I’ve lost so many people, who I considered important to me, in such a short amount of time. This whole situation also made me question other people – like my dad – a whole lot. There were so many people in my life throughout all those years, and nobody said anything??

Why didn’t my grandparents step in? Or my aunt? Or family friends?? I can’t imagine that they didn’t know about any of it, but then again, I didn’t either.

I also have no idea why I never noticed that my mom held some sort of resentment towards me. Shouldn’t I have noticed? I mean, I’ve been living with her under one roof for 18 years, yet I never noticed – imagined that she actually doesn’t like me.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) should cut contact with her mother due to her toxic behavior and favoritism towards a manipulative friend. Many users emphasize the importance of prioritizing one’s own well-being and suggest that distancing herself from her mother could lead to personal growth and clarity about past relationships. Overall, the comments advocate for OP to focus on her upcoming wedding and her supportive partner, while encouraging her to seek therapy for additional support.

Verdict

NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Family dynamics can be incredibly complex, especially when feelings of betrayal and disappointment arise. Here are some practical steps for the daughter to consider as she navigates this challenging situation:

Steps for the Daughter

Reflect on Your Feelings: Take time to process your emotions. Journaling can help clarify your thoughts and feelings about your mother and the situation with Mary.
Set Boundaries: Consider establishing clear boundaries with your mother. This could mean limiting communication or discussing specific topics that are off-limits.
Communicate Openly: If you feel comfortable, have an honest conversation with your mother about how her actions have affected you. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without sounding accusatory.
Seek Support: Lean on your fiancé, friends, or a therapist for emotional support. They can provide perspective and help you process your feelings.
Focus on Your Wedding: Prioritize your upcoming wedding and the positive relationships in your life. This is a time for celebration, and surrounding yourself with supportive people can help mitigate stress.
Consider Professional Help: Therapy can be a valuable resource for navigating family conflict. A therapist can help you develop coping strategies and work through feelings of betrayal and disappointment.

Steps for the Father

Address the Issues: The father should consider having a candid conversation with the mother about her behavior and its impact on their daughter. Open communication is crucial for resolving underlying tensions.
Support Your Daughter: The father should reassure the daughter of his support and understanding. Acknowledging her feelings can strengthen their bond and provide her with a sense of security.
Encourage Family Therapy: Suggesting family therapy could provide a safe space for all parties to express their feelings and work towards healthier dynamics.
Be Proactive: Instead of waiting for the daughter to move out, the father should take proactive steps to address the issues within the marriage and family dynamics. This could prevent further damage to their relationships.

Conclusion

Family conflicts can be painful, but addressing them with empathy and open communication can lead to healing. Both the daughter and father should prioritize their well-being and seek support as they navigate these challenging dynamics. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your mental health and set boundaries that protect your peace.