My Mother Exposed My Trauma To My Fiancee, Now They’re Mad At ME For Being Upset. AITAH?

My mother exposed my trauma to my fiancee, now they’re mad at ME for being upset. AITAH?

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

When Trauma Meets Miscommunication: A Fiancé’s Dilemma

In a heart-wrenching tale of boundaries and trauma, a young woman grapples with her fiancé’s decision to discuss her painful past with her mother, despite her explicit wishes to keep it private. As emotions run high, the couple faces a clash of perspectives, leading to a breakdown in communication that leaves both feeling unheard and hurt. This story resonates with anyone who has navigated the complexities of sharing personal experiences and the importance of respecting boundaries in relationships.

Relatable Themes: The struggle to communicate feelings and set boundaries is a universal challenge, especially when it involves sensitive topics.
Thought-Provoking Questions: How do we balance our loved ones’ feelings with our own trauma, and what happens when those lines blur?

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Wedding Tension Story

A 20-year-old woman (referred to as “I”) finds herself in a complicated situation involving her fiancé (C) and her mother. The conflict revolves around a traumatic experience from her past that has been discussed without her consent, leading to emotional turmoil and misunderstandings.

Background: I experienced a traumatic event from ages 10 to 15, which has significantly impacted my life. I have shared this experience with C, expressing my discomfort with my mother discussing it with others.
Incident: During a phone call, C informs me that she had a conversation with my mother about my trauma. C shared minor details and my feelings about the situation, which I found deeply upsetting.
Emotional Reaction: I became emotional during the call, expressing my hurt and frustration. I felt that C had no right to discuss my trauma without my presence and was upset that she downplayed my feelings.
Text Message: After calming down, I sent C a text explaining my feelings and the need for boundaries regarding discussions about my trauma. I emphasized that I appreciated her trying to help but needed to be involved in any conversations about my past.
Lack of Response: C read my message but did not respond, which added to my frustration. When I confronted her later, she expressed irritation over my tone during the phone call.
Communication Breakdown: I struggled to understand why my expression of hurt was perceived as uncalled for. C felt I was not listening to her feelings, leading to further conflict.
Repeated Patterns: This situation highlighted a recurring issue in our relationship where C tends to shut down during conflicts, making it difficult for me to express my feelings. I often feel unheard and frustrated by her reactions.
Final Attempt: I decided to leave work to avoid further argument. After some time, I sent C a message stating that I would return only if we could have a meaningful conversation. I expressed my frustration with her tendency to focus on her feelings rather than addressing my trauma.
Reflection: I am left questioning how the conversation shifted the focus away from my trauma to her feelings. My mother also expressed anger towards me, claiming I was making the situation about myself, which added to my confusion.

In light of these events, I am left wondering: AITAH for wanting to set boundaries regarding discussions about my trauma and for expressing my feelings during a difficult conversation?

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story: Long post, so bear with me.

I, 20F, got a call from my fiancée, C, 23F, on my lunch break. My fiancée had mentioned to me a conversation that she and my mother had while I was at work today. The conversation was about an extremely traumatic experience I went through from ages 10-15.

I’ve previously spoken to C about this experience and how much I hate it that my mom tells anyone who’s willing to listen, as it genuinely shaped me as a person and still affects me to this day. Especially because she makes me out to be the bad guy in my own trauma. C prefaced our talk by stating that I can’t be upset about it and it wasn’t that bad.

She then began to tell me that they had a conversation, and in this conversation, my mom asked C about what she knew, and they supposedly briefly had a talk about it. Where C told my mom minor details and about how I felt about the situation. I was really taken aback, considering I’d already had that discussion with her about how it makes me feel to have people talking about it without me present.

I started to say how upset it made me that I was spoken about, let alone the fact that C had entertained the conversation and seemingly spoke for me about my experience. I got very upset and began crying at work, telling her she had no right to have that conversation with my mom, regardless of who started it, or the right to tell me not to be upset about it after everything I went through.

C stayed quiet while I went on this tangent, and I told her I had to go, then hung up. I spoke to a close friend about it, calmed down, and sent her this text: “I love you. Though I’m not sorry for being upset, I understand that maybe this means I have to set some boundaries that weren’t previously there.”

I’m upset with my mom, and I’m upset that the conversation was entertained in the slightest. I’m not okay with my trauma or business being talked about without me present, especially if it’s something like that. From now on, I’d appreciate it if, and when she approaches you about it, that it gets shut down.

And if she wants to talk about it, I need to be involved because the conversation that was had today was extremely triggering, and I’m feeling very hurt, mostly by her for a multitude of reasons. I’m glad I was told, and I appreciate you trying to calm the fire, but I’m allowed to be that upset over something like that. I’m going to try to be understanding about why the conversation happened, but I’m still really sad considering the circumstances.

I’m going to be having a conversation about boundaries with my mom and about things that can and can’t be talked about. To clarify further, I’m upset, but I’m not mad at you.” She read my texts and didn’t respond.

I showed up to our night job three hours later and asked her calmly why she hadn’t answered my texts. She said very matter-of-factly, “I was irritated with you.” I said, “With me? What for?”

She said, “For the way you spoke to me on the phone. It was uncalled for.” I got a little irritated. As much as I do understand people perceive words and tones differently, I genuinely don’t understand how the way I said anything was uncalled for.

I didn’t yell, I didn’t insult her or blame her for the conversation being started. I called her out for the things I felt she did that hurt me, vented about my mom, and hung up. I am not one to blame someone or ridicule someone for something they didn’t do, regardless of how mad I am at them.

She then started to get loud with me and claimed I was making her feel not listened to. I told her I genuinely don’t know what I said that made her so upset. She walked away from me and refused to talk to me.

This is a common thing; she gets very angry when I don’t treat our conversation like I’m not upset. If I even show a little bit of anger or anything of that sort, she shuts down and ignores me for hours until I have to force it out of her. I started leaving her alone during those times, but she never compensates for me when I NEED to talk about how I feel. I always have to wait for her.

I left work; it’s not a job I was scheduled for; I can come and go as I please, and she kept asking me to come back. I told her no because I wasn’t entertaining another argument. I waited about an hour or two and then sent her this: “I’m only coming back if we actually talk.”

I’ve asked many times for you to stop. You walk away after we’ve spoken two sentences to each other, and it’s extremely frustrating and exhausting, and I can’t do it anymore. I’m not going to keep entertaining that anymore.

I give you your space when you ask, but you don’t listen to me when I ask. When I approached you in the dressing room, instead of addressing anything I said, or texted, or me being upset at all, you only focused on you being upset because I spoke to you in a way you didn’t like.

Yes, you’re allowed to be upset about the way that I spoke if you feel I spoke in the improper ways, but ignoring everything about my trauma, my feelings, and my words to focus on being angry is honestly really petty. You’ve seen the way I get with my mom. I will always apologize for the way I say things and try to be better.

But instead of focusing on how I reacted to being told those things, I would’ve appreciated an apology or maybe trying to have an actual conversation with me about it. I just don’t understand how this got turned back on me. My mom is mad at me too and says I’m making this about myself.

But isn’t this about me in the first place?

AITAH?

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) is not at fault (NTA) for feeling upset about the violation of their boundaries by both their mother and fiancée. Many users express concern over the toxic dynamics in OP’s relationships, suggesting that both the mother and fiancée exhibit disrespectful behavior and emotional manipulation, which could lead to long-term harm. The comments emphasize the importance of prioritizing OP’s well-being and considering whether these relationships are healthy.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

Conflict resolution in emotionally charged situations, especially those involving trauma, requires sensitivity and clear communication. Here are practical steps for both OP and C to consider in order to navigate this challenging situation:

For OP (the original poster):

Self-Reflection: Take some time to reflect on your feelings and the boundaries you want to establish. Write down what you need from C and your mother to feel safe and respected.
Communicate Clearly: When you feel ready, have a calm and honest conversation with C. Use “I” statements to express how her actions made you feel, such as “I felt hurt when my trauma was discussed without my consent.”
Set Boundaries: Clearly outline your boundaries regarding discussions about your trauma. Let C know that you need to be involved in any conversations about it and that it’s a sensitive topic for you.
Seek Support: Consider talking to a therapist or counselor who can help you process your feelings and provide strategies for communicating your needs effectively.
Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that help you relax and recharge. This will help you approach the situation with a clearer mind and a calmer demeanor.

For C (the fiancée):

Listen Actively: C should take the time to listen to OP’s feelings without interrupting or becoming defensive. Acknowledge OP’s hurt and validate her feelings.
Reflect on Actions: C should consider why she felt the need to discuss OP’s trauma with her mother and how that might have affected OP. Understanding the impact of her actions is crucial.
Apologize Sincerely: If C recognizes that she overstepped, a genuine apology can go a long way. It’s important for OP to hear that her feelings are taken seriously.
Encourage Open Dialogue: C should express her willingness to have open conversations about sensitive topics in the future, ensuring that OP feels safe to share her feelings.
Seek Guidance: C might benefit from talking to a therapist or counselor to understand her own reactions and improve her communication skills in conflicts.

For Both Parties:

Establish a Safe Space: Create an environment where both can express their feelings without fear of judgment or retaliation. This can help foster healthier communication.
Practice Empathy: Both OP and C should strive to understand each other’s perspectives. Recognizing the emotional weight of trauma can help bridge the gap in their communication.
Consider Professional Help: If the conflict continues or escalates, seeking couples therapy or family counseling can provide a neutral space for both parties to express their feelings and work through their issues.

By taking these steps, both OP and C can work towards a healthier relationship dynamic that respects boundaries and fosters understanding. Remember, healing from trauma is a journey, and open communication is key to supporting each other along the way.