AITHA For Divorcing My Depressed Wife Because Her Depression And Depression Induced Spending Are Dragging Me Down?

AITHA for divorcing my depressed wife because her depression and depression induced spending are dragging me down?

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Struggling with Love and Responsibility

In a heart-wrenching tale of love and mental health, a husband grapples with the toll his wife’s depression and spending habits have taken on their once-thriving relationship. After supporting her through a mental breakdown and a year of recovery, he discovers a hidden truth that shatters his trust and forces him to question his commitment. As he navigates feelings of guilt and the desire for self-preservation, readers are left to ponder the complexities of love, responsibility, and the limits of support in a marriage. This story resonates deeply with anyone who has faced the challenges of caring for a loved one while struggling to maintain their own well-being.

Family Drama: A Husband’s Dilemma

A husband is grappling with the emotional and financial strain caused by his wife’s ongoing battle with depression. The couple’s once-promising future is now clouded by conflict and uncertainty. Here’s a breakdown of their situation:

Background: The couple, married for several years, both had successful careers. The husband (35M) was earning a substantial income as a consultant, while the wife (36F) was thriving as a Nurse Anesthesiologist.
Turning Point: Three years ago, the wife experienced a mental breakdown, leading to hospitalization. Following her recovery, they agreed she would take six months off work to heal.
Financial Strain: During her time off, the wife began spending excessively, averaging $2,000 to $3,000 every other week on travel and outings. The husband supported her initially, believing it was part of her healing process.
Attempts at Conflict Resolution: After the six-month period, the husband suggested she return to work part-time, but this led to another breakdown. They later discussed starting a family, which she initially agreed to.
Discovery of Birth Control: The husband found birth control pills in his wife’s car, leading to a confrontation. The wife accused him of being an abuser for wanting children, which shocked him.
Emotional Fallout: The wife blamed her breakdown on the husband, despite his support in managing household responsibilities. She has since refused to communicate and has asked him to stay away for her mental health.
Husband’s Inner Conflict: The husband is torn between wanting a divorce due to feeling manipulated and the fear of abandoning his wife during her illness. He feels guilty for considering leaving her, despite the strain on his own mental health.

The situation highlights the complexities of family drama, mental health, and the challenges of conflict resolution in a marriage. The husband is left questioning his role and responsibilities, feeling both love for his wife and frustration over their circumstances.

As he navigates this difficult period, he seeks advice on whether he is in the wrong for contemplating a separation, given his wife’s mental health struggles. The emotional toll of the situation weighs heavily on him, as he grapples with feelings of selfishness and concern for his wife’s well-being.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story: At what point do I leave my wife because her depression and depression-induced spending is dragging me down?

When my wife (36F) and I (35M) met, I was in an MBA program, and she was finishing up her certification process to become a Nurse Anesthesiologist. I was drawn to her drive and optimistic view of the world. We were both young adults (26 and 27) who saw the world as an endless source of opportunity.

We discussed having kids when we were more established in our careers. After graduation, we both went to work; I got a job consulting, making 200k a year with a signing bonus, and have continued to grow in my career. My wife was crushing it at her dream hospital, making 150k before overtime.

We were so happy traveling and enjoying ourselves; we eventually bought our home and were truly living our dreams. Until about 3 years ago, my wife had a mental breakdown at home between shifts at the hospital. She was eventually hospitalized for a few weeks.

After she came home, we agreed she would take 6 months off to recover, and I would take care of us. Immediately, she started spending an average of 2-3k every other week, traveling with friends and going on weekend trips. She stopped helping around the house and was constantly out of the house.

I completely supported this for the first 6 months; she said it was part of her healing process, and I understood entirely through sickness and health. Then, the agreed 6 months passed, and I asked if she was ready to return to work part-time. This caused her to shut down, so I backed off.

Then, a year passed, and I revisited the topic again, but another breakdown ensued. I asked if she was ready to consider starting our family and being a homemaker instead of working. We were in a great financial position and didn’t need the money.

She agreed, and for the last year, we have been trying to have a baby. We have even done fertility testing and been given a “you are both healthy. Keep trying.” Last week, I was driving her car and dropped my phone. I pulled over to grab it from under the driver’s seat and, to my surprise, found birth control pills.

I was shocked and turned around on my way to work to confront her. She broke down and called me an abuser for trying to force kids on her. She has never told me she didn’t want kids, and I would absolutely never push her.

She then started blaming me for her breakdown, saying it’s my fault she can’t work. I then brought up how I have handled 95 percent of the cooking and cleaning for the last 3 years because I was trying to support her and allow her to heal while she traveled and racked up a 10k credit bill every month for me to pay off.

Since then, she has shut down and refuses to talk to me. I have been sleeping at our vacation house because she says it’s “detrimental to her mental health to share a space with me, her abuser.” I can’t shake the feeling that I have been lied to and taken advantage of for years now.

I want a divorce, but at the same time, if she is genuinely sick, I don’t want to abandon her. Am I an Ahole for even considering leaving my sick wife? I can’t shake the feeling that I’m selfish for even considering this.

Edit To address common questions

Yes, my wife has been in active therapy for the last 3 years, and I have proof of this.
She is not having an affair. Our sex is good to very good. Also, many of these trips include her mother, whom I trust unconditionally.
Please stop soliciting me in the DMs; I have no intention of cheating on my wife.
I have stayed so long because I genuinely love my wife and want to ensure she is cared for. Even now, after getting so much feedback confirming my feelings, I feel incredibly guilty. I feel that I am responsible for her well-being, and I’m terrified of what her life would look like without me.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a unanimous agreement that the original poster (OP) is not at fault (NTA) for considering divorce from his wife, who has been dishonest and manipulative regarding her mental health and intentions about having children. Many users express concern about the potential consequences of bringing a child into an unstable environment, emphasizing the need for OP to prioritize his own well-being and protect himself from further emotional harm. The comments reflect a strong belief that the relationship is irreparably broken, and OP should move on without the burden of children or continued involvement with his wife.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

In navigating the complexities of this situation, it’s essential to approach the conflict with empathy and understanding for both parties involved. Here are some practical steps that can help address the issues at hand:

For the Husband

Prioritize Self-Care: Acknowledge your own mental health needs. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, and consider seeking therapy to process your feelings and gain clarity.
Open Communication: If possible, try to have an open and honest conversation with your wife about your feelings and concerns. Use “I” statements to express how her actions have affected you without placing blame.
Set Boundaries: Clearly define what you are comfortable with in terms of support and involvement. It’s okay to take a step back if you feel overwhelmed, but communicate this to your wife compassionately.
Explore Counseling Together: If your wife is open to it, suggest couples therapy as a safe space to address underlying issues and improve communication. This can help both of you understand each other’s perspectives better.
Consider Future Options: Reflect on your long-term goals and whether they align with your wife’s. If children are a significant part of your vision, discuss this openly and assess if both of you are on the same page.

For the Wife

Seek Professional Help: Encourage your wife to continue therapy or counseling to address her mental health challenges. Professional support can provide her with coping strategies and a safe space to express her feelings.
Practice Open Communication: Encourage her to share her feelings and fears with you. It’s important for her to articulate her needs and concerns without fear of judgment.
Reflect on Financial Decisions: Help her understand the impact of her spending habits on both of you. Discuss creating a budget together that aligns with her healing process while being mindful of financial stability.
Reassess Family Planning: If she feels pressured about having children, it’s crucial for her to communicate her feelings honestly. Discussing family planning openly can help alleviate misunderstandings and fears.
Encourage Independence: Support her in finding ways to regain her independence, whether through part-time work or engaging in hobbies. This can help her rebuild confidence and a sense of purpose.

Conclusion

Ultimately, both partners need to prioritize their mental health and well-being. It’s important to approach this situation with compassion and understanding, recognizing that both individuals are navigating their own struggles. Whether the couple decides to work through their issues together or part ways, the focus should be on healing and personal growth.