AITA — I Don’t Like When My MIL Holds My Baby

AITA — I don’t like when my MIL holds my baby

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Postpartum Struggles and Family Dynamics

As a first-time mom navigating the challenges of postpartum life, one woman finds herself overwhelmed by her mother-in-law’s constant interference in her parenting. Living with her family while saving for a home, she grapples with cultural differences and boundary issues, feeling isolated and anxious in her partner’s family environment. The tension escalates as her mother-in-law disregards her wishes, leading to a clash between her need for space and her partner’s desire for family closeness. This relatable story highlights the complexities of new motherhood and the importance of establishing boundaries in family dynamics.

Family Drama and Postpartum Anxiety: Navigating Parenting Conflicts

As a first-time mom, I am currently three months postpartum and facing significant family drama that is causing tension between my partner and me. Here are the key points of the situation:

Living Situation: My partner and I are saving to buy a house, so he stays with me at my family’s home. While I have a close relationship with my family, my partner is more family-oriented.
Boundary Issues: My mother-in-law (MIL) often tries to dictate how we should parent our child. For instance, she once told my partner that our baby didn’t need a soother, despite him trying to offer it.
Overnight Stays: When we visit his family, we have to sleep in his parents’ room, which makes me uncomfortable as an adult. I prefer the comfort of my own bed and have suggested day visits instead.
Cultural Differences: His family primarily speaks a different language, which makes me feel isolated during visits. I often find myself caring for the baby while my partner engages with his family.
Mother-in-Law’s Behavior: My MIL frequently hovers over us, especially when the baby cries. On one occasion, she attempted to take the baby from my arms while I was soothing her, which shocked me.
Overstimulation Concerns: I feel that my in-laws do not recognize the needs of a baby. They often want to hold her when she’s tired and expose her to loud environments, disregarding her comfort.
Trust Issues: I am hesitant to leave my baby with them, as I worry they may not care for her properly. My partner’s father has health issues, and I feel they do not always respect our parenting wishes.
Support from My Family: In contrast, my family provides the space and privacy I need as a new parent. They respect my boundaries and allow for a peaceful environment.

This ongoing conflict has led me to feel anxious about my parenting choices and the influence of my in-laws. I hope that as time goes on, we can find a resolution to these tensions. It’s a challenging experience, and I suspect that my feelings may be linked to postpartum anxiety. I appreciate the opportunity to vent about this situation.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

Background info – I am 3 months postpartum. I’m a first-time mom.

My MIL is driving me insane, but it causes arguments between me and my partner. I am 3 months postpartum, currently saving up with my partner to buy a house, so he stays with me at my family’s place.

While I’m close with my family, he is much more family-oriented than me. However, I feel like he doesn’t know how to establish boundaries with his family regarding our child. His parents—more specifically, his mother—are always trying to tell us how to parent, and while I do appreciate the help, it gets overbearing.

He tried to go for her soother once, and she told him, “No, no, she doesn’t need it; she doesn’t want it.” How would you know?

Another part I forgot to mention is that he doesn’t have a room at his family’s house, so when we do sleep there, we have to sleep in his parents’ room. I don’t know, for some reason, as a grown adult, I would rather sleep in the comfort of my own bed and be in my own space.

I’ve also tried to get us to visit just for the day instead of a sleepover—considering they live 7 minutes away—but he tries to make it a point that my family sees her every day and his doesn’t. Again, this is only because we live with my family; if we had our own place, my family would not be seeing us often.

When we go to his house, everyone mainly speaks a different language, and even the TV is in a different language. So I usually don’t know what anyone is saying when I go there.

They’ll throw in a couple of English phrases, but for the most part, I’m lost. I also feel like caring for my child is kind of the only thing I have to do when we’re there because I can only scroll on my phone for so long, and my partner is usually busy with his family.

I just want to add that I have no problem with his family and himself being from another culture—this was just to paint a picture of what his family functions look like for me when I go there—and I do try to be social.

I don’t mind his siblings holding our baby, but it’s his mom that seems to get to me. His mom is always trying to say what the baby wants, begging us to leave her there, and mind you, she’s 2 and a half months old.

I have expressed that I don’t feel comfortable with anyone keeping her until she’s old enough. When we are there, she’s constantly hovering, or if she hears the baby crying, she will come in the room and hover until she’s done crying.

Oh, and get a load of this—my baby was crying because she was hungry, and her bottle was being made, so naturally, I was soothing her. This lady walks up to me, takes her blanket off of me, and puts her hands out saying, “Give me her.” ARE YOU NUTS?

I’ve never heard of someone trying to take someone’s crying baby out of the hands of their mother. I said, “It’s okay,” I hope as kindly as possible because my facial expressions are hard to hide, but I was completely shocked.

Another thing I’d like to add is I feel like they, as a whole, forget that she’s still a baby. They want to hold her and keep her up when she’s tired, won’t put her down, and wanted her around all the screaming for the New Year’s Eve countdown because they think covering her ears makes a difference.

They scream and are loud when she’s sleeping, have doors open when it’s winter and a baby is in the house, and are constantly in her face, overstimulating her, also passing her around like a football.

I don’t want to leave her around them because I don’t fully trust that they know how to take care of her, even though they have their own children. They’re kind of up there in age; the father has a terrible cough and chest problem, and he sometimes has terrible falls where he’s unable to get up.

I also feel as though they don’t listen to all my partner’s wishes when it comes to our child; they try to do it their way.

I also like to add that my family gives me the space and privacy I need to be a parent. Though we all live in the same house, everyone resorts to their rooms, so it’s a quiet and peaceful environment.

They’re not constantly asking to hold my baby or running into my room when she’s crying, hovering over me, and things of that nature.

I hope this gets better over time because I can honestly say it’s a terrible feeling to experience.

I feel like this might be postpartum anxiety, but I just wanted to vent. Thank you.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the new mother needs to establish firm boundaries regarding her baby’s care, particularly in relation to her mother-in-law’s influence. Many users emphasize the importance of the mother’s comfort and the need for her husband to support her decisions, suggesting that he should enforce boundaries with his family. Overall, the comments reflect a protective stance towards the baby and advocate for the mother’s authority in parenting.

Verdict: YTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict in Parenting

Navigating family dynamics, especially as a new parent, can be incredibly challenging. It’s essential to find a balance that respects your needs while also considering your partner’s family. Here are some practical steps to help you address the conflict with empathy and clarity:

1. Establish Clear Boundaries

Setting boundaries is crucial for your peace of mind and your baby’s well-being. Here’s how to do it:

Communicate Openly: Have a candid conversation with your partner about your feelings regarding his family’s involvement. Express your concerns about their parenting approach and how it affects you.
Define Parenting Roles: Together, outline what parenting decisions are non-negotiable for you both. This could include how to soothe the baby, when to introduce certain items like a soother, and how to handle overstimulation.
Set Visit Guidelines: Propose a schedule for family visits that includes day visits instead of overnight stays, allowing you to maintain your comfort while still engaging with his family.

2. Foster Supportive Communication

Encouraging open dialogue can help bridge the gap between your family and your in-laws:

Involve Your Partner: Encourage your partner to advocate for your parenting choices with his family. This will help them understand your perspective and reinforce your authority as a mother.
Educate Gently: If comfortable, share resources or articles about modern parenting approaches with your in-laws. This can help them understand your perspective without feeling attacked.
Practice Active Listening: When discussing parenting with your in-laws, listen to their concerns as well. Acknowledging their feelings can help reduce defensiveness and foster a more collaborative atmosphere.

3. Prioritize Your Well-Being

Your mental health is paramount, especially during this postpartum period:

Seek Professional Support: Consider talking to a therapist about your postpartum anxiety. They can provide coping strategies and help you navigate family dynamics more effectively.
Engage in Self-Care: Make time for yourself, whether it’s a short walk, a hobby, or simply resting. Taking care of your mental health will empower you to handle family conflicts more effectively.
Lean on Your Family: Continue to rely on your family for support. Their understanding and respect for your boundaries can provide a safe space for you to recharge.

4. Create a Unified Front

It’s essential for you and your partner to present a united front:

Regular Check-Ins: Schedule regular discussions with your partner about how you both feel regarding family interactions. This will help you stay aligned and address any issues before they escalate.
Reinforce Boundaries Together: When visiting his family, ensure that both of you are on the same page about the boundaries you’ve set. This will help reinforce your authority as parents.
Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge and celebrate moments when your partner successfully supports your boundaries. Positive reinforcement can strengthen your partnership.

By taking these steps, you can work towards a more harmonious family dynamic that respects your needs as a new mother while also fostering a positive relationship with your partner’s family. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your comfort and your baby’s well-being as you navigate this new chapter in your life.