AITA For Telling My Husband I Want A Divorce.

AITA for telling my husband I want a divorce.

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Is She the Asshole for Wanting a Divorce After Years of Struggle?

After 18 years of marriage, a woman finds herself at a breaking point, feeling more like a single mother than a partner. Following a life-altering accident that left her recovering and dependent on her children, she discovers her husband’s lack of support and questionable spending habits. As he prioritizes work and personal interests over their family, she grapples with the emotional toll of feeling unvalued and alone. This story resonates with anyone who has faced the challenges of partnership, sacrifice, and the quest for mutual respect in a relationship.

Am I the Asshole for Wanting a Divorce?

After 18 years of marriage, I have decided to tell my husband that I want a divorce. Here’s a summary of the situation that led to this decision:

Background: I suffered a severe accident that resulted in multiple spinal fractures. During my recovery, I felt increasingly unsupported by my husband.
Financial Strain: My husband was not working, and we were relying on my worker’s compensation. Despite this, he chose to spend money on porn, which I found troubling given our financial situation.
Household Responsibilities: While I was on bed rest, I had to manage grocery orders and meals. My children stepped in to help me, as my husband only cooked for the first few days of my recovery.
Job Search: Frustrated by my husband’s refusal to seek employment, I applied for a job on his behalf without telling him. He eventually got the job but also took on a second job, leaving little time for family.
Feeling Alone: With my husband working excessively, I became accustomed to being alone. I had previously planned all our trips and vacations, so I suggested he plan a getaway for us. When he failed to do so, I felt neglected.
Decision to Divorce: After consulting a lawyer, I informed my husband of my desire for a divorce. He expressed a willingness to improve, but I struggled to feel happy or open after being alone for so long.
Emotional Distance: My husband’s second job was unnecessary and only served to create more distance between us. I felt like a single mother, despite being married, and I was tired of feeling unimportant and disrespected.
Accusations: He claims that my behavior has changed due to my head injury from the accident, a statement influenced by a family member of his who does not like me.

In light of these events, I am left questioning whether I am the one at fault for wanting a divorce. I feel that I have been treated poorly and have become emotionally closed off as a result. Am I the asshole for wanting to end this marriage?

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

Sorry for the long post. I have been married for 18 years. I told my husband I want a divorce.

I am tired of doing everything and feel like I don’t have a partner. Backstory: A few years ago, I had a bad accident to the point of fracturing my spinal cord in 5 places. During recovery, I found out he was paying for porn.

I do not have an issue with him watching, but paying, yes. He was not working; we were surviving off my worker’s comp. While on bed rest, I had to order groceries because he said he couldn’t do it.

That was more money we could have saved. I think he cooked the first 3 days. After that, my kids were the ones to make sure I ate.

My kids helped me get in and out of bed. If my oldest children were gone to work or school, I had to order food to make sure my kids and I ate. My recovery took a very long time.

I am not back to normal; I can’t do things I did before. During this time, my husband refused to look for a job. So I was not happy at all.

I pushed myself to try to get back to my old position because we needed the money. But I ended up hurting myself more. I put in an application for a job for him and didn’t tell him.

They called him, and he got the job. But then he also picked up a second job by choice; he didn’t need it. So he worked so much that there was no time for family.

He didn’t even have time to sleep. I got used to being alone. Now I think it is dumb that I paid for him to go to Las Vegas.

I told him if I do it, he has to plan a trip for us. I did this to see if he would take the time to do it. I planned everything for us our whole marriage.

Well, he didn’t do it, so I told him one more time we need our time together. He said, “I know,” but then doesn’t do it. That’s when I made the choice to divorce him.

I didn’t tell him until after I spoke to a lawyer. He said he would do better. Around this time, the second job closed down, so he was home.

But it was very hard for me to be all happy and open because I was alone for so long—over a year—while he was doing the two jobs that were not needed. The second job money was his play money, only used if we were short on something.

I didn’t even want sex. No, I wasn’t cheating. But he has cheated many times in our marriage. So, I have become closed off and am now refusing to accept his old behavior.

He tells me I changed and that I am only acting like this because I had a head injury in the accident, and he says that has changed me. This has only been said after he talked to a family member on his side that doesn’t like me.

So now I am a miserable person with a head injury that has changed me. I am tired of being treated like I’m not important. I am being disrespected and was made a single mother while married.

I had 5 kids, not 4. So, am I the asshole for telling my husband I want a divorce?

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments strongly support the notion that the original poster (OP) is not the asshole (NTA) for considering divorce from her husband. Users emphasize that her husband has been unsupportive, has cheated, and has failed to contribute positively to their marriage, leading to a consensus that she deserves happiness and should move on. Many commenters share personal anecdotes, reinforcing the idea that leaving a toxic relationship can lead to a much better life.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

It’s clear that both you and your husband have faced significant challenges, particularly during your recovery. While your feelings of neglect and emotional distance are valid, it’s also important to consider your husband’s perspective. Here are some practical steps to help navigate this difficult situation:

For the Original Poster (OP)

Reflect on Your Needs: Take time to identify what you truly want moving forward. Consider what happiness looks like for you, both in and out of the marriage.
Communicate Openly: Before making any final decisions, have an honest conversation with your husband about your feelings. Express how his actions have impacted you and your perception of the relationship.
Seek Professional Help: Consider couples therapy to facilitate communication and explore whether the relationship can be repaired. A neutral third party can help both of you express your feelings constructively.
Prioritize Self-Care: Focus on your own well-being during this time. Engage in activities that bring you joy and help you heal emotionally and physically.
Evaluate Your Options: If you still feel that divorce is the best path, consult with a lawyer to understand the implications and ensure you are prepared for the next steps.

For Your Husband

Self-Reflection: Encourage him to reflect on his actions and their impact on the marriage. Understanding how his choices have contributed to your feelings of neglect is crucial.
Open Dialogue: He should be willing to listen to your concerns without becoming defensive. This means acknowledging your feelings and validating your experiences.
Seek Support: Suggest that he consider individual therapy to address any personal issues that may be affecting his behavior and the marriage.
Reassess Priorities: He needs to evaluate his work-life balance and consider how he can contribute more to the family and the relationship.
Take Action: If he genuinely wants to improve the relationship, he should take proactive steps to show his commitment, whether through planning family activities or being more present at home.

Conclusion

Ultimately, both of you deserve to feel valued and supported in your relationship. Whether you choose to work on your marriage or move forward separately, prioritizing open communication and mutual respect will be key to finding a resolution that honors both of your needs.