AITA For Telling My (32F) Best Friend (32F) That Her Dating Standards Are Unrealistic?

AITA for telling my (32F) best friend (32F) that her dating standards are unrealistic?

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

A Friend’s Dilemma: Dating Standards or Support?

When a woman named Elle, frustrated with her single status, reveals her stringent dating criteria to her best friend, it sparks a heated debate about love, faith, and friendship. As Elle insists on a list of qualities that seem almost unattainable, her friend struggles to balance support with the reality of modern dating. This relatable scenario highlights the pressures many face in their 30s to find “the one,” while also questioning the impact of rigid standards on genuine connections. Can friendship survive when personal values clash with the harsh truths of dating?

Family Drama and Wedding Tension: A Friend’s Dilemma

In a recent situation involving a close friendship, a conflict arose over differing views on dating standards and expectations. The main characters in this story are the narrator and her best friend, referred to as “Elle.” Here’s a breakdown of the events:

Long-standing Friendship: The narrator and Elle have been friends for approximately ten years. Throughout this time, Elle has experienced several relationships but has been single for the past few years.
Elle’s Frustration: As the only unmarried friend in their social circle, Elle has expressed her unhappiness with being single and her desire to find a serious relationship and eventually marry.
Proactive Approach: About a month ago, Elle decided to take a more proactive approach to dating and asked the narrator for introductions to potential partners.
Introduction to a Potential Match: The narrator connected Elle with a single man known to another friend. They began communicating, and while Elle acknowledged his positive attributes, she found him unattractive due to his height and skin tone.

As the conversation progressed, Elle revealed her specific dating criteria, which raised eyebrows:

High Standards: Elle stated she is only interested in men who are at least an “8 or better” in looks, taller than her in heels, of a certain complexion, and without children.
Financial Expectations: She prefers men with advanced degrees and an income exceeding $100,000 per year.
Religious Commitment: Elle insists on dating men who are committed to waiting until marriage for sex, despite having had sexual relationships in the past.

When the narrator challenged Elle’s stringent criteria, suggesting that it might be limiting her dating prospects, the conversation escalated:

Conflict Resolution Attempt: The narrator aimed to encourage Elle to be more open-minded about her dating standards, arguing that her expectations could be making dating unnecessarily difficult.
Elle’s Reaction: Elle became upset, accusing the narrator of not being supportive and misunderstanding her faith. She felt that the narrator was being a “Debbie Downer.”

This situation highlights the complexities of family drama and wedding tension that can arise in friendships, especially when it comes to personal values and expectations in dating. The narrator is left questioning whether she is in the wrong for trying to provide constructive feedback to her friend.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

My best friend, let’s call her “Elle,” and I have been close for about 10 years. During that time, she’s been in a couple of relationships but has been single for a few years now. Amongst our friends, Elle is the only unmarried one.

She’s made it clear that she’s unhappy with being single and sincerely hopes to get into a serious relationship and get married sooner rather than later. I can understand her frustrations, especially since she’s the only single friend who wants kids someday, and so on.

About a month ago, Elle told me that she intends to be more proactive with dating this year and asked if I had anyone to introduce her to. Unfortunately, I don’t, but another friend mentioned knowing a great guy who I happen to have met before, who’s single and looking for something serious.

Elle was introduced via text to the guy, and they soon started talking on the phone. Elle says he has a lot of “good attributes,” e.g., very educated and has a high salary, but she finds him completely unattractive because they’re the same height—he’s 5’7″ and she’s 5’7″—and because of his darker skin tone.

I tried to convince her that his height and looks shouldn’t take precedence over his personality, but this soon led to a major revelation on her dating standards that left me completely dumbfounded.

Elle told me that she’s only interested in men who, in her words, are an “8 or better” looks-wise, taller than her when she’s wearing heels, of a certain complexion, ideally no beard, has advanced degrees, makes over 100k a year, doesn’t have kids, and is currently attending church every week or every other week.

But the big kicker that got me was that she insists that she’s unwilling to date a man who won’t commit to waiting until marriage for sex. Yes, she’s religious, but she’s not a virgin and has had sex in all past relationships.

According to Elle, this is a conversation that should be had before even the first date, and if the guy isn’t firmly agreeing, it’s a no-go. When I challenged her thoughts and logic on this, she got increasingly upset.

I told her that I think she’s asking for a very tall order, making “dating” harder than it should be. I’m not saying she should compromise on her religious values, but I am trying to tell her that she should be more open-minded about her criteria because she’s looking for a one-in-a-million guy while also prematurely shutting down and shutting out some potentially great guys because of their income and/or height.

Elle is now furious at me and says I’m not being a supportive friend. She says that I don’t understand her faith and am being something of a Debbie Downer. AITA?

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the woman in question has set unrealistic dating standards, particularly regarding her desire to wait for marriage while simultaneously imposing high criteria on potential partners. Many users emphasize that her approach is likely to limit her dating pool significantly, suggesting that she may end up alone if she does not reconsider her expectations. Overall, the comments reflect a belief that her criteria are shallow and potentially discriminatory, which could hinder her chances of finding a suitable partner.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

In navigating the complexities of friendship and differing expectations in dating, it’s essential to approach the situation with empathy and understanding. Here are some practical steps for both the narrator and Elle to consider in resolving their conflict:

For the Narrator:

Listen Actively: Take the time to listen to Elle’s feelings and concerns without interrupting. Acknowledge her frustrations about being single and her desire for a meaningful relationship.
Express Your Intentions: Clarify that your feedback comes from a place of care and support. Let Elle know that you want her to find happiness and that you believe being open-minded could help her achieve that.
Share Personal Experiences: If applicable, share your own experiences with dating and relationships. This can help Elle see that everyone has faced challenges and that flexibility can lead to unexpected connections.
Encourage Self-Reflection: Gently prompt Elle to reflect on her dating criteria. Ask her how she feels about her standards and if they align with her ultimate goal of finding a partner.
Suggest Professional Guidance: If Elle is open to it, recommend that she consider talking to a dating coach or therapist who specializes in relationships. This could provide her with additional perspectives and strategies.

For Elle:

Reflect on Feedback: Take a moment to consider the narrator’s perspective. While it may feel critical, it could be an opportunity for growth and understanding.
Evaluate Standards: Assess whether your dating criteria are realistic and if they truly reflect what you want in a partner. Consider if there are areas where you might be willing to compromise.
Open Up to New Possibilities: Challenge yourself to be more open-minded about potential partners. Sometimes, attraction can grow over time, and initial impressions may not tell the whole story.
Communicate Your Needs: If you feel misunderstood, express your feelings to the narrator. Share what you need from her as a friend, whether it’s support, understanding, or encouragement.
Seek Support from Others: Engage with other friends or support groups who can provide different perspectives on dating and relationships. This can help broaden your understanding and approach.

Conclusion

Friendships can be tested when personal values and expectations clash, especially regarding sensitive topics like dating. By approaching the situation with empathy and a willingness to understand each other’s viewpoints, both the narrator and Elle can work towards a resolution that strengthens their friendship while also supporting Elle’s journey in finding love.