AITA For Planning To Avoid My Mother As Much As Possible Over Christmas?

AITA for planning to avoid my mother as much as possible over Christmas?

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Struggling with Family Dynamics During the Holidays

In a heartfelt tale of familial tension, a 27-year-old woman grapples with her mother’s overwhelming presence during their annual Christmas trip to Mississippi. Despite her initial desire to stay home, she finds herself manipulated into joining the trip, leading her to plan a packed schedule to avoid her mother’s incessant need for attention. This story resonates with many who have experienced the complexities of family relationships, especially during the holidays when expectations can clash with personal boundaries.

Relatable Themes: The struggle for independence against a backdrop of familial obligation.
Thought-Provoking Questions: How do we balance love for our family with the need for personal space?

Family Drama During Holiday Visit

This story revolves around a young woman, 27, who is grappling with family dynamics and personal boundaries during a holiday visit to Mississippi. The situation highlights the complexities of family relationships, particularly with a parent who exhibits narcissistic tendencies.

Annual Tradition: The protagonist has traveled to Mississippi with her mother for Christmas every year since childhood.
Initial Decision: This year, she decided to stay home in Alabama, expressing her reluctance to travel without providing a detailed reason.
Manipulation: After her mother booked a flight, she was pressured into joining the trip through a surprise three-way call with her aunt and uncle.
Compromise: She agreed to drive instead of fly and to bring her dog along, despite feeling conflicted about her decision.

As the trip approaches, the protagonist is preparing for the visit with a packed schedule to minimize time spent with her mother. This decision stems from her ongoing therapy, where she is processing childhood trauma and recognizing her mother’s controlling behavior.

Therapy Insights: Multiple therapists have identified her mother as a narcissist and an enmeshed parent, leading to a lack of personal identity for the daughter.
Childhood Experiences: The mother was overly involved in her life, dictating choices about clothing, friendships, and social activities, which led to feelings of suffocation.
Boundary Setting: The protagonist has begun to establish boundaries, but her mother frequently disregards them, insisting on daily visits and expressing anger when plans do not include her.

The protagonist describes her mother’s behavior as overwhelming, particularly when she drinks, leading to incessant calls and texts throughout the day. This creates a sense of anxiety and discomfort, especially during family gatherings.

Previous Visits: Last year, the protagonist felt trapped during the visit, having to lock her bedroom door to avoid her mother’s persistent attempts to engage her.
Fear of Interaction: She even dreads simple activities like going to the bathroom, fearing her mother will interrupt her with trivial conversations.

As she prepares for the upcoming trip, the protagonist is left questioning her actions:

Conflict Resolution: Is it wrong for her to avoid her mother and fill her schedule to cope with the stress of the visit?
Seeking Validation: She wonders if her desire to create distance makes her the antagonist in this family drama.

Ultimately, the protagonist is navigating a complex relationship with her mother while trying to prioritize her mental health during a time that is typically associated with family togetherness.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

Pretty much every year since I was a child, my mom and I, 27, F, have traveled to Mississippi for Christmas to visit my aunt and uncle. This year, I initially told my mom that I was going to stay home in Alabama and would not be joining her on the trip. I told her this after she had booked her flight and did not offer up a reason other than, “I just don’t feel like traveling this year.”

Well, she manipulated the situation as per usual and had my aunt and uncle surprise me with a 3-way call. I allowed myself to be sucked into going, with the condition that I would be driving there rather than flying and bringing my dog with me. I’m not too pleased that I was unable to stand my ground, but what’s done is done.

I’m going there tomorrow. What I have done now is make sure my schedule is jam-packed so that I am at the house as little as possible and therefore am around my mom as little as possible. Here’s why:

Over the past year or so, I have been in pretty intense therapy, processing the abuse I underwent as a child, partly at the hands of my mom. My mom is a narcissist, yes; I hate to use that word as I feel it is a buzzword, but multiple therapists that I have seen over the years have told me that this is what is going on. I have also recently learned that she is an enmeshed mother.

Growing up, she was hyper-involved in my life to the point where I felt my identity was merged into hers. She wanted us to dress in the same style, wear our hair the same, and she picked out what classes I would take, who I would date. She was super involved with my friends and even demanded to join my plans with my friends, like going out to bars or dinners, etc.

I didn’t know any better growing up, but as I started getting older, I felt super smothered and didn’t know why. I have chosen to set some pretty hard boundaries with my mom this year, and it is still something I have to work on. She asks to see me every single day, and if I tell her I can’t, she keeps asking, almost begging me to see her.

If I tell her I can’t because I have plans with a friend, she gets angry and gets between my friendships. She even asks, “Can I come?” It’s strange to me that she thinks it is normal for a 60-year-old mother to want to go to bars and outings with her 27-year-old daughter and her friends. She also calls me over 10 times per day, most of which I do not answer.

She spam texts me all day too. It’s a lot. These behaviors get a lot worse when she drinks, which she does often.

She is on a plane now to Mississippi, and I plan to drive there tomorrow. I have planned workout classes for every day, coffee shops I plan to go to, and just other outings so that I am not in the house much with her. Whenever we go to MS to visit our family for Christmas, it feels like there’s no escape.

Last year, I had to lock my bedroom door because if I would leave the living room early to go to bed, she would open my door multiple times asking me to spend time with her, asking stupid questions just for attention, “just saying hi,” etc. It’s annoying. I even fear going to the bathroom down the hall because as soon as she hears my footsteps, she starts the harassment.

So, AITA for avoiding my mother and booking up my schedule for the week?

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the individual should prioritize their well-being and avoid the trip to Mississippi, with many suggesting they fabricate an excuse to stay home. Users emphasize the importance of setting boundaries with a toxic parent and encourage the person to take a stand for their own mental health. Overall, the comments reflect a supportive attitude towards self-care and assertiveness in difficult family dynamics.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Navigating family dynamics, especially with a parent who exhibits narcissistic tendencies, can be incredibly challenging. It’s important to prioritize your mental health while also considering the complexities of family relationships. Here are some practical steps to help you address the situation effectively:

Steps for the Protagonist

Reassess Your Boundaries: Take time to reflect on what boundaries are essential for your well-being. Write them down to clarify your thoughts.
Communicate Clearly: Before the trip, have an open conversation with your mother about your needs. Use “I” statements to express how her behavior affects you, such as, “I feel overwhelmed when I receive constant calls and texts.”
Plan Your Schedule: Create a detailed itinerary for your visit that includes time for yourself and your dog. Share this with your mother to set expectations.
Establish a Support System: Identify family members or friends who can provide emotional support during the visit. Let them know your concerns and how they can help.
Practice Self-Care: Prioritize activities that help you relax and recharge, whether it’s taking walks, journaling, or engaging in hobbies. Make time for these during your visit.
Have an Exit Strategy: Prepare a plan for how to leave the situation if it becomes too overwhelming. This could be a signal to a supportive family member or a pre-planned excuse to step away.

Steps for Your Mother

Encourage Open Dialogue: Suggest that your mother engage in a conversation about your feelings. This can help her understand your perspective and the impact of her behavior.
Seek Professional Help: If possible, encourage your mother to consider therapy. This could help her gain insight into her behavior and improve family dynamics.
Respect Boundaries: Remind her of the importance of personal space and boundaries. Encourage her to respect your need for time alone or with others.
Practice Empathy: Encourage her to listen actively when you express your feelings. This can foster a more supportive environment during family gatherings.

Final Thoughts

Family relationships can be complicated, especially when dealing with narcissistic behavior. It’s essential to prioritize your mental health while also attempting to foster understanding within the family. By setting clear boundaries and communicating openly, you can navigate this challenging situation with greater ease. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your well-being, and seeking support from friends, therapists, or supportive family members can make a significant difference.