AITA For Not Telling My Daughter Her Nan Isn’t Dead.

AITA for not telling my daughter her nan isn’t dead.

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

When Family Ties Fray: A Mother’s Dilemma

In a heart-wrenching tale, a mother grapples with her daughter’s innocent comment about her estranged grandmother being “in heaven.” With a complicated history of neglect and emotional scars from her own childhood, she faces a tough choice: should she correct her daughter or let the misconception stand? As family opinions clash, this story raises thought-provoking questions about the nature of family bonds and the impact of past trauma on parenting. It’s a relatable struggle for many who navigate the complexities of familial relationships, especially during the holidays.

Family Drama Surrounding a Mother’s Relationship with Her Children

A 33-year-old mother of three daughters, including 6-year-old twins and a 2-year-old, finds herself in a complicated family situation that has sparked significant conflict resolution discussions among relatives. The tension arose during the holiday season when one of her twins made a surprising statement about her grandmother.

The twin told a family friend that her “mummy’s mummy is in heaven,” which shocked the mother when she learned about it later.
During a family gathering, the twin elaborated on her family structure, mentioning that her grandmother lives far away and that her “mummy’s mum” is in heaven.
The mother’s grandmother (the children’s great-grandmother) attempted to inquire further, but the mother quickly intervened, leading to further family discussions.

After the incident, the mother received mixed reactions from family members:

Some relatives urged her to clarify the truth to her daughter, stating that her mother is alive but simply busy.
Others suggested that she should leave the matter alone, considering the strained relationship she has with her mother.

For context, the mother has a tumultuous history with her own mother, which has affected her self-esteem and body image. Key points include:

She ran away from home at 15 due to her mother’s behavior, which has led to ongoing therapy.
Initially, she wanted to keep her mother away from her children but was persuaded by her grandmother to allow some interaction.
Despite initial efforts, her mother’s involvement waned as the children grew older, leading to feelings of neglect.

One particularly distressing incident occurred when the mother’s youngest daughter was just a week old. The mother’s own mother pushed the eldest twin off her lap to hold the newborn without acknowledging the twin’s feelings, causing the child to cry and ask why her grandmother didn’t love her.

After moving away for a better life, the mother noticed even less communication from her mother, who failed to reach out on birthdays or during holidays. The mother has kept the lines of communication open but has stopped calling due to her mother’s lack of response.

In light of these circumstances, the mother is left questioning her decision not to correct her daughter’s statement about her grandmother’s status. She wonders if she is in the wrong for allowing her child to believe that her grandmother is deceased.

Ultimately, this situation highlights the complexities of family dynamics, the impact of past trauma, and the challenges of conflict resolution in relationships.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

Hey all, so this is gonna be a bit of a long one. I, female, 33, have three daughters: 6-year-old twins and a 2-year-old. One of my twins, over the holiday period, said to one of my friends that her “mummy’s mummy is in heaven.” This really shocked me when I found out; for context, I was out of the house when she said it to my friend on the phone.

I had just nipped out to go and pick up a family member who was coming up to us for Christmas Day. I found out when I was taking my partner to work that day. Later on in the evening, my daughter began talking about her family, saying how her daddy’s mummy and daddy live far away, that her daddy’s mummy’s mum lives far away, and the only family we have close here is her mummy’s nanny.

My Nan spoke up and asked her, “What about your mummy’s mum?” to which my daughter came out with, “No, she’s in heaven.” My Nanna went to press her a bit more about why she thought this, and I abruptly interrupted and asked my Nan to come and help me with something in the kitchen.

Well, now my Nan has spoken to other family members, and I’ve had my phone blowing up with divided opinions. I have some family telling me I should tell my daughter the truth: that her Nan is not dead; she is, in fact, alive; she’s just too busy. I’ve had others tell me that I should just leave it alone.

FYI, she’s not too busy; she’s unemployed, has no hobbies, and is home all day playing games on her tablet or phone. I have a very strange relationship with my mother for background growing up. I ran away from home at 15; her actions towards me as a child have given me years of body image issues, self-esteem problems, and I am still trying to get over them. I’m in therapy over how she treated me as a child.

When I first had children, I was very much set on her having nothing to do with my children, but my Nan convinced me to give her a chance. When my children were small, she would make all the effort, go over and see them, and she would constantly want to be around them, wanting to give them cuddles and just lots of love. Then they stopped being such cute little babies, and the distance crept in.

Then I had my youngest, and again she was there. There was one incident that absolutely made my blood boil. My youngest was only a week old when we took her over to meet my Nan, and my mum was there. After my Nan had finished having a cuddle, my partner went to put my youngest back in her baby carrier when my mother said it was her turn.

The eldest of the twins was sat on her lap at the time. She said nothing to my daughter about wanting to have a cuddle with her new baby sister; she just pushed my daughter off of her lap so she could hold the new baby. She was four at the time, and she ran off into the kitchen, crying her eyes out. When I asked her what had happened and what was wrong, I was furious.

My partner came and confirmed what happened, and my partner and my sister managed to stop me from going and ripping her head off. That was the first time my daughter ever asked me, “Why doesn’t Nanna love me?” and my heart broke. Anywho, when my youngest turned 1, we moved away so that we could afford to give our children a better life.

Since moving, she has even less to do with my children now. She didn’t call them on their birthdays, and over the festive holidays, we’ve heard absolutely nothing from her—no text and no calls. I speak to my sister regularly, so I know nothing bad has happened to my mother; it’s just she can’t be asked to find out how her granddaughters are doing.

My sister doesn’t want children, so my children are the only grandchildren for my mother. I guess what I’m asking is: AITA for not correcting my daughter when she said that her Nan is dead?

Edited to add

I have never said to my children that my mother is dead. We don’t speak about her. I have left the lines of communication open for her to reach out since we moved.

I used to try calling her regularly, but she would rarely answer, so I stopped calling her. She never calls.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a general agreement that while the original poster (OP) is not the antagonist (NTA), they should approach the situation with honesty and age-appropriate explanations. Users emphasize the importance of not lying to children, suggesting that the OP should convey the truth about their mother’s behavior in a way that is understandable for kids, rather than claiming she is “dead” which could lead to confusion later.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Family dynamics can be incredibly complex, especially when past traumas and strained relationships are involved. In this situation, the mother is navigating a delicate balance between protecting her children and addressing her own feelings about her mother. Here are some practical steps to help resolve the conflict while considering both sides:

Steps for the Mother

Reflect on Your Feelings: Take some time to process your emotions regarding your mother. Understanding your feelings can help you communicate more effectively with your children.
Consider Age-Appropriate Honesty: Think about how to explain your mother’s absence in a way that is truthful yet suitable for your daughters’ ages. You might say something like, “Grandma is busy and doesn’t see us often, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care.” This keeps the door open for future conversations.
Communicate with Your Children: Have a gentle conversation with your daughters about family. Use this opportunity to explain that families can be complicated and that it’s okay to have different feelings about family members.
Set Boundaries: If you choose to maintain some level of contact with your mother, establish clear boundaries that protect your children’s emotional well-being. Discuss these boundaries with your mother if necessary.
Seek Professional Guidance: Consider family therapy or counseling to help navigate these complex feelings and improve communication within your family. A professional can provide valuable tools for managing these discussions.

Steps for Family Members

Support the Mother: Family members should offer emotional support to the mother rather than pressure her to change her approach. Understanding her perspective can foster a more supportive environment.
Encourage Open Dialogue: Family members can facilitate conversations about family dynamics, encouraging everyone to express their feelings and concerns without judgment.
Respect Boundaries: It’s important for family members to respect the mother’s boundaries regarding her relationship with her own mother. Avoid pushing for more contact if it causes distress.
Promote Understanding: Encourage family members to understand the mother’s past experiences and how they shape her current decisions. Empathy can go a long way in resolving conflicts.

Ultimately, the goal is to foster a healthy environment for the children while addressing the complexities of adult relationships. By approaching the situation with empathy and honesty, the mother can navigate this challenging family dynamic in a way that prioritizes her children’s emotional health.