AITA For Backing Up My Husband Who Had Told My Stepmom To "Grow Up Or Get Out"?

AITA for backing up my husband who had told my stepmom to “Grow up or get out”?

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When Family Dynamics Get Complicated

A woman navigates the tricky waters of family relationships when her stepmom, recently divorced and in need of support, moves in with her family. Despite setting clear boundaries and expectations, tensions rise as the stepmom insists on paying for food to assert her independence, leading to a clash over responsibility and respect. When a babysitting arrangement falls through due to the stepmom’s choice to party instead, the situation escalates, leaving the woman questioning her role in the fallout. This story resonates with anyone who has grappled with the complexities of family obligations and the struggle for autonomy within shared spaces.

Family Drama Over Stepmom’s Living Situation

A 34-year-old woman (referred to as OP) is facing conflict resolution challenges with her stepmom, aged 52, after allowing her to move in following a divorce. The situation has escalated into wedding tension and family drama, leading OP to question her actions.

Background: OP and her husband, 37, have two young children, aged 2 and 5. OP’s stepmom recently divorced OP’s father and needed a place to stay.
Previous Relationship: OP had a strained relationship with her stepmom due to past incidents where the stepmom took items OP had purchased when she was a teenager.
Living Arrangements: Despite their history, OP decided to help her stepmom by allowing her to move in, establishing rules for her stay, including:
- Buying her own food when necessary.
- Being compensated for babysitting their children when needed.
Conflict Arises: Recently, OP’s stepmom insisted on paying for food items, despite OP’s reassurances that it was unnecessary. The stepmom expressed a desire to feel more empowered in the household.
Communication Breakdown: OP reminded her stepmom that they were the homeowners and she was a guest. This led to an argument, with the stepmom asserting her authority as OP’s mother, which OP found inappropriate.
Babysitting Plans: OP’s husband had arranged for the stepmom to babysit their children while they worked. However, the stepmom called to cancel, stating she was going out with friends instead.
Confrontation: OP’s husband confronted the stepmom about her lack of responsibility. This led to a heated exchange, and the stepmom hung up on OP after she sided with her husband.
Aftermath: The next day, OP discovered that her stepmom had left their home. Attempts to reach her have been unsuccessful, and both the stepmom and her sister are avoiding communication.
Self-Reflection: OP is now questioning whether she overreacted and if she is in the wrong for the current situation, feeling guilty about potentially kicking her stepmom out.

In summary, this family drama highlights the complexities of living arrangements, boundaries, and the challenges of conflict resolution within family dynamics. OP is left grappling with feelings of guilt and uncertainty about her decisions regarding her stepmom’s stay.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story: This isn’t on my main acc as I want genuine opinions

I, 34 F, and my husband, 37 M, have a stepmom, 52 F. My stepmom has been helping us out by babysitting my two children, aged 2 and 5. While my husband and I are very grateful, we are also very upset with her.

My stepmom was recently divorced by my father. She had nowhere to go, so she asked to stay with us. I hadn’t had a great relationship with her due to her stealing things I had bought with my money when I was 17; however, I decided to push past this and move on.

When she moved in, we went over the rules and told her what her experience would look like. She agreed to our rules, which included buying food for herself when necessary, although we did tell her we would mostly be buying stuff for her so she could get back on her feet. Another rule we had was regarding babysitting.

We agreed to pay her for babysitting our kids when we needed her so that she could make some money to get back on her feet. We gave her our job contact info in case she ever needed to call them if she couldn’t get ahold of us while we were at work. Recently, we haven’t really needed her to babysit, but she has been insistent on paying for food items.

We went over the fact that this wasn’t needed, and she replied that she wanted to feel like she had more power over us by paying for food. I gently reminded her that this was our house and she was a guest in it, to which she got upset. She told my husband and me that “she has power over us” and how “she was my mom.” I didn’t reply and just stopped talking to her.

My husband had made plans with her that we would need her to babysit our kids this past Monday, and she had agreed since we were both going to work. While I was at work, I received a call from my husband telling me that my stepmom called him, saying that she was leaving to go party with her friends, and he was going back home to talk to her. I agreed that he was doing the reasonable thing since she has no concept of responsibility.

Then, while at work, I received a call from my stepmom, who said that my husband told her she needed to grow up and gain responsibility or get out. I, of course, sided with my husband, and she hung up. The next morning, while driving home, I noticed my stepmom’s car wasn’t in my driveway, and I asked my husband about it, to which he replied, “she chose to get out.”

I have been trying to reach my stepmom for days, but neither she nor my stepsister, whom she moved in with, will hold a conversation with me, and my stepmom will not apologize. I’m starting to feel like the AH since neither of them will respond to me. Did I overreact and overstep for basically kicking her out?

EDIT 1: I disliked her when I was 17 and didn’t really talk to her. I then decided to give her another chance based on my stepsister, who had a problem similar to mine, which my stepmom was able to apologize for and grow from. The original reason she moved in with me and not my stepsister is that she is having a rough time paying the rent; also, we would pay my stepmom, and she wouldn’t.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) should cease all contact with their stepmother, as continuing to reach out only reinforces her perceived power over OP. Many users emphasize the importance of self-respect and suggest that OP should focus on moving forward rather than trying to mend a relationship that has been fraught with issues. Overall, the comments advocate for OP to embrace the newfound freedom from a toxic relationship.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Family dynamics can be incredibly complex, especially when it involves living arrangements and past grievances. Here are some practical steps for OP to consider in resolving the conflict with her stepmom while also addressing her own feelings and boundaries.

Steps for OP

Reflect on Boundaries: Take time to clearly define what boundaries are necessary for your well-being and that of your family. Consider what you are comfortable with in terms of communication and involvement with your stepmom.
Communicate Openly: If you feel ready, reach out to your stepmom for a calm conversation. Express your feelings without placing blame. Use “I” statements, such as “I felt overwhelmed when…” to convey your perspective.
Set Clear Expectations: If your stepmom is open to dialogue, discuss what living together means moving forward. Clarify expectations regarding responsibilities, boundaries, and the nature of your relationship.
Consider Professional Help: If the relationship feels too strained to navigate alone, consider family therapy. A neutral third party can facilitate communication and help both sides express their feelings constructively.
Focus on Self-Care: Prioritize your emotional health. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who respect your boundaries.
Accept the Outcome: Understand that not all relationships can be mended. If your stepmom is unwilling to communicate or respect your boundaries, it may be necessary to accept the distance as a form of self-protection.

Steps for the Stepmom

Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on your actions and how they may have impacted your relationship with OP. Consider the past grievances and how they might be influencing current dynamics.
Open to Feedback: Be willing to listen to OP’s perspective without becoming defensive. Acknowledge her feelings and the challenges of living together.
Respect Boundaries: Understand that OP and her husband are the homeowners and that their rules are in place for a reason. Respecting their space and decisions is crucial for rebuilding trust.
Communicate Your Needs: If you feel the need for empowerment or contribution, express this in a constructive way. Discuss how you can contribute positively without overstepping boundaries.
Seek Support: If feeling overwhelmed after the divorce, consider seeking support from friends, family, or a counselor. This can help you process your emotions and find healthier ways to cope.

Ultimately, both OP and her stepmom have valid feelings and experiences. By approaching the situation with empathy and a willingness to communicate, there is potential for healing and understanding, whether that leads to a closer relationship or a respectful distance.