AITA For Asking My Wife To Help With Our Kids Even Though She Says It’s My Responsibility Now?

AITA for Asking My Wife to Help with Our Kids Even Though She Says It’s My Responsibility Now?

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Exhausted and Alone: A Father’s Struggle for Support

In a heart-wrenching tale of marital strain, a devoted father finds himself overwhelmed by the demands of parenting while his wife seems disengaged from their family responsibilities. Despite his tireless efforts to care for their two young boys, he feels increasingly isolated as he navigates the challenges of work and childcare alone. As tensions rise and conversations about divorce surface, he grapples with whether his plea for help makes him the villain in this emotional saga. This relatable story touches on the complexities of modern parenting, the expectations of partnership, and the struggle for balance in family life.

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Husband’s Struggle for Help

A 36-year-old man, referred to as the husband, shares his experience of family drama and wedding tension with his wife, Sally, 37. They have been married for five years and have two young boys, Nick (4) and Ivan (2). The husband feels overwhelmed by the responsibilities of parenting and household duties, while Sally struggles to adjust to her new life.

Background:
- Sally moved to the husband’s state to be with him but has not found a suitable job.
- She has been a stay-at-home mom since Nick was born.
Parenting Dynamics:
- Initially, Sally wanted to breastfeed but switched to formula due to difficulties.
- The husband took on all night feedings and most daytime responsibilities, including pickups and drop-offs for childcare.
- When Ivan was born, the husband continued to handle all nighttime duties.
Current Situation:
- Both boys are now in daycare, but the husband manages their morning and evening routines.
- Sally contributes minimally to household chores, primarily mopping, doing laundry, and preparing simple meals.
- The husband feels exhausted and overwhelmed by the lack of support.
Conflict and Communication:
- The couple has had multiple arguments about the division of responsibilities.
- Sally has expressed feelings of resentment about moving away from her friends and life in her home city.
- During a recent argument, Sally mentioned the possibility of divorce and taking Ivan with her, which the husband firmly opposed.
Attempts at Resolution:
- The husband has asked for help with the children, but Sally’s response has been defensive.
- She claims that her physical limitations prevent her from doing more, despite the husband’s exhaustion.
- Both have attended counseling, but the issues persist, with Sally refusing medication for her struggles.

The husband is left questioning whether he is being unreasonable for wanting more support from Sally. He feels trapped in a cycle of exhaustion and unmet needs, while Sally grapples with her own feelings of loss and resentment. The couple’s situation highlights the complexities of family dynamics and the challenges of conflict resolution in a marriage.

In light of these circumstances, the husband wonders: AITA for asking my wife for help with the children?

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

I 36M and my wife, Sally 37F, have been together for five years and have two boys, Nick 4M and Ivan 2M. Sally moved to my state to be with me, but she never found a job that was a good fit, so she’s been home since we had Nick. When Nick was born, she wanted to breastfeed but struggled, so we switched to formula while she tried pumping.

Because she was recovering and pumping, she said she couldn’t handle night feedings, so I did every single one. She also felt overwhelmed being alone with Nick during the day, so my sister, who lives 45 minutes away, started watching him. I handled almost all the pickups and drop-offs.

Even with that, I still did all the bathing and feeding at night. When Ivan was born, it was the same story—but even more extreme. Sally never once got up at night with him. Not one single time.

Now, both boys are in daycare, and I handle waking them up, getting them ready, taking them to daycare, working, picking them up, and bringing them home. Meanwhile, Sally mops once a week, does laundry, and makes dinner—though dinner is usually boxed mac and cheese for the boys and something air-fried for us. I’m exhausted.

When I get home, I can’t really do anything until the boys are in bed because Sally rarely takes care of them alone. We’ve had multiple fights about this, and in the past, she’s said she doesn’t want the kids and even talked about divorce. A few months ago, during another fight, she changed her tune and said that if we split, she wanted to take Ivan.

I shut that down immediately—not only because the boys are extremely close, but also because she’s never even woken up at the same time as them before. I don’t trust her to take care of Ivan alone. About a month ago, I finally told Sally I need help—any help.

Even just getting out of bed when the boys wake up to help feed them, change them, or get them into the car. She said she’d try. It’s been over a month. Nothing has changed.

I brought it up again, and she got defensive, saying I don’t appreciate what she does do. She also said mopping is hard and hurts her body, so there’s no way she can do more with the kids. Then she told me that since I insisted on keeping both kids if we ever divorced, it’s my responsibility now—and I deserve to be exhausted.

I don’t know what to think. I’m tired. I just want some help. But maybe I really am being an asshole for asking?

AITA?

Edited to add info.

My wife has had counseling multiple times, including EMDR. We did couples counseling a few years back as well. Nothing has helped so far. I also did some talk therapy and am planning to start again. Also, she refuses to even consider medication.

Wife is not originally from this country and was disappointed in the help she received from my family. Also, she is resentful at having given up her friends and life in her city to move in with me. She feels like she never should have moved here.

Also, she does do some light cleaning, so the house is not a disaster. We have a robot vacuum that helps with the main level. We’ve mostly had to hire someone to come clean every few weeks, though.

Also going to add that this is her third marriage and this is my first. She’s shown a pattern in the past of running away from problems. But before getting married, we discussed that.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) is not at fault (NTA) for considering divorce due to his wife’s lack of involvement in parenting and household responsibilities. Many users suggest that the wife appears to be taking advantage of the situation, contributing minimally while OP bears the full burden of childcare and work. The comments emphasize the need for OP to document the situation and seek legal advice, as it seems the wife may not have a genuine desire to be a mother.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Conflict in a marriage, especially when it involves parenting and household responsibilities, can be incredibly challenging. It’s essential to approach the situation with empathy and a willingness to understand both sides. Here are some practical steps for the husband and Sally to consider in resolving their conflict:

For the Husband

Communicate Openly: Schedule a calm, uninterrupted time to talk with Sally. Express your feelings without placing blame. Use “I” statements, such as “I feel overwhelmed when I handle all the morning routines alone.”
Set Clear Expectations: Discuss and agree on specific responsibilities for both of you. Create a shared calendar or chore chart that outlines who does what and when.
Seek Professional Help: Continue attending counseling together. A therapist can help facilitate discussions and provide tools for better communication.
Document Responsibilities: Keep a record of daily tasks and responsibilities. This can help both of you see the imbalance and address it constructively.
Encourage Sally’s Independence: Support Sally in finding a job or pursuing interests outside the home. This may help her feel more fulfilled and engaged.

For Sally

Reflect on Your Feelings: Take time to understand your feelings of resentment and loss. Consider journaling or discussing these feelings with a therapist.
Be Open to Feedback: Listen to your husband’s concerns without becoming defensive. Acknowledge his feelings and the challenges he faces.
Increase Involvement: Identify specific tasks you can take on to alleviate some of your husband’s burden. Start small and gradually increase your involvement.
Explore Support Options: If physical limitations are a concern, look into community resources or support groups for stay-at-home parents that can provide assistance or advice.
Consider Counseling: If you’re struggling with feelings of inadequacy or depression, seeking individual therapy may help you process these emotions and find coping strategies.

Joint Steps Forward

Regular Check-Ins: Establish a routine for weekly check-ins to discuss how each of you is feeling about the division of responsibilities and any adjustments that may be needed.
Set Goals Together: Work together to set short-term and long-term goals for your family life, including parenting and household management.
Practice Empathy: Make a conscious effort to understand each other’s perspectives. Acknowledge the sacrifices each of you has made and validate each other’s feelings.
Celebrate Progress: Recognize and celebrate small victories in your partnership. Positive reinforcement can motivate both of you to continue working together.

Resolving conflict takes time, patience, and effort from both partners. By approaching the situation with empathy and a willingness to collaborate, both the husband and Sally can work towards a more balanced and fulfilling family life.