AITA For Refusing To Give My Dad Money Even Though I Have It To Give

AITA for refusing to give my dad money even though I have it to give

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

When Family Ties Feel Like a Financial Burden

In a heartfelt exploration of strained family dynamics, a man grapples with the emotional toll of his father’s constant requests for money, stemming from a troubled past filled with neglect and abuse. Despite his father’s attempts to reconnect, the son struggles with feelings of resentment and the fear of being used as an ATM. As he reflects on the significant amount of money he’s given over the year, he faces a tough decision: should he continue to support a parent who has caused him so much pain, or finally set boundaries for his own well-being? This story resonates with many who have navigated complex family relationships, especially in a society where financial independence often clashes with familial obligations.

Family Drama Over Financial Support

A person shares their experience regarding a complicated relationship with their father, highlighting issues of financial dependency and emotional conflict.

Background: The individual grew up in a large family with a father who was largely absent and abusive towards their mother. This led to a childhood marked by instability and poverty.
Current Relationship: As the individual has matured, they have developed a more amicable relationship with their father, who has softened with age. However, the father often reminisces about the past, which the individual finds uncomfortable.
Financial Situation: The individual and their spouse have a combined income of $46,000 per month, allowing them to maintain a middle-class lifestyle.
Frequent Requests for Money: The father frequently calls, often when under the influence, to ask for $100. The individual feels used and is concerned that the requests may escalate.
Emotional Toll: The individual is frustrated by their father’s presumption that they will always send money, despite expressing their reluctance. This has led to feelings of irritation and resentment.
Financial Impact: Upon reviewing their finances, the individual discovered they had sent nearly $20,000 to their father over the past year, which, while not detrimental to their finances, is still a significant amount.
Decision to Cut Off Communication: In light of the ongoing requests and emotional strain, the individual has stopped answering their father’s calls and sending money.

The individual is now questioning whether they are in the wrong for taking this step, seeking advice on conflict resolution and navigating the wedding tension that may arise from family dynamics.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

Hi All,

My dad calls me often when he’s been drinking or high. When I see his number, I know what it ultimately is for – money. Context, I grew up in a large family and my dad was rarely in my life.

He and my mom were constantly fighting; he would beat her, and we would need to move to get away from him. He always found his way back to us. He wasn’t a great father figure.

He didn’t provide for us, and neither could my mom. So, we grew up poor. I never really liked him.

I thought of him as a terrible father and human being, but as he’s gotten older, he’s softer, and I am at the age where I get to see his personality. Maybe it’s because he’s in his 60s and I’m in my 40s that we can have the relationship we have. You see, I don’t have the energy to argue with him, and he’s too old to be petty like he used to be.

So, our conversations are about life and what to look out for as you get older. He tries to go down memory lane, but I hate it because he’s only able to talk about the years when I was in grade school, ages 0 – 10. He’s picked up on it and doesn’t bring up the past as much.

Anyway, I’m an engineer, and I make a great living. My wife is a professional in health care, and she earns a great living, too. Together we make 46k per month.

I would say we’re a middle-class family with a middle-class lifestyle. Why is this important? Because when my dad calls, he always asks for money.

The money isn’t a lot. It is usually 100 dollars. He calls every other day.

Now I hate giving him money because 1) it feels like he uses me as an ATM, 2) he takes the money to go buy drugs and alcohol, and 3) I have a feeling the asks are going to get larger. He’s always talking about moving in my home; he says it’s a joke, but I know it’s not.

One day while we were on the phone, he said, “Send me 100 since I know you have it,” and I said, “I’m not going to send you any more money.” He then tells me, “I know you’re going to send it because you always do.”

Now, he’s right because even though I say I’m not, I’ll still cash app him the money. I’m upset with his presumption about what I’ll do. This has irritated me so much that I’ve stopped answering his calls the last few days.

When I went over our expenses for the year, this is only because we’re preparing our taxes, I noticed that I’ve given him close to 20k for the year. Again, it doesn’t harm our finances, but 20k is a lot of money.

AITA for cutting him off and no longer taking his calls and sending him money?

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the individual is not at fault (NTA) for considering cutting off their father due to his past neglect and current financial demands. Users emphasize the importance of prioritizing personal well-being and financial stability over familial obligations, suggesting that the father’s sudden interest in the relationship is opportunistic. Many commenters also highlight the skewed perception of wealth, noting that a high income does not equate to middle-class status.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Navigating complex family dynamics, especially when financial support and past grievances are involved, can be challenging. Here are some practical steps to help resolve the conflict while prioritizing your well-being:

Steps for the Individual

Reflect on Your Feelings: Take time to understand your emotions regarding your father’s requests and your past. Acknowledge the hurt and frustration you feel, as this is a crucial step in moving forward.
Set Clear Boundaries: Decide on the boundaries you want to establish regarding financial support. Communicate these boundaries clearly to your father, emphasizing that while you care for him, you cannot continue to provide financial assistance.
Consider a Conversation: If you feel comfortable, consider having a candid conversation with your father. Express how his past actions affected you and how his current behavior impacts your relationship. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory.
Seek Support: Talk to your spouse or a trusted friend about your feelings. They can provide emotional support and help you navigate this difficult situation.
Explore Professional Help: If the emotional toll is significant, consider speaking with a therapist. They can help you process your feelings and develop coping strategies.

Steps for the Father

Self-Reflection: Encourage your father to reflect on his past behavior and its impact on your relationship. Acknowledging his shortcomings can be a vital step toward healing.
Respect Boundaries: If you communicate your boundaries, it’s essential for him to respect them. This may require him to reassess his expectations and approach to your relationship.
Seek Financial Independence: Suggest that he explore other avenues for financial support, such as community resources or financial counseling, to reduce dependency on you.
Open Communication: Encourage him to express his feelings and desires for a relationship without financial strings attached. This can help rebuild trust and connection.

Final Thoughts

Family relationships can be complicated, especially when past traumas and financial issues intertwine. By setting clear boundaries and fostering open communication, both you and your father can work towards a healthier relationship. Remember, prioritizing your emotional well-being is not selfish; it’s necessary for a sustainable connection.