AITA For Not Informing My Family Of My Cancer Prognosis?

AITA for not informing my family of my cancer prognosis?

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

When Family Dynamics Clash with Terminal Illness

In a heart-wrenching tale, a man grapples with the emotional turmoil of facing terminal cancer for the second time, only to have his family’s well-meaning but misguided reactions complicate his journey. After initially beating kidney cancer, he now faces a grim prognosis with gastric cancer that has spread, leading him to prioritize quality time with his wife over sharing his dire news during the holidays. However, a sister-in-law’s betrayal in revealing his condition to the family forces him into a painful confrontation with their expectations and grief. This story resonates deeply with anyone who has navigated the complexities of illness, family dynamics, and the struggle for autonomy in the face of impending loss.

Family Drama and Cancer: A Personal Struggle

The journey of dealing with cancer can be incredibly challenging, both physically and emotionally. In this story, a person reflects on their battle with cancer and the ensuing family conflict that arose during the holiday season.

Initial Diagnosis: The narrator had previously battled kidney cancer, undergoing various treatments, including ablative therapies and surgery, achieving remission for six years.
New Diagnosis: Unfortunately, the cancer returned, this time as a specific gastric cancer that had metastasized to the liver and lungs, drastically reducing survival odds.
Palliative Care: After exhausting multiple treatment options, the focus shifted to palliative care, prioritizing symptom management over curative treatments.

As the holiday season approached, the narrator faced a dilemma regarding how to communicate their health status to their family.

Family Updates: The narrator had previously informed their family about the cancer’s return and the grim prognosis, but their family seemed to dismiss the severity of the situation, believing that recovery was still possible.
Desire for Normalcy: Wanting to enjoy one last “normal” Christmas, the narrator planned to share the full extent of their condition after the holidays.
Breach of Trust: However, the narrator’s sister-in-law (SIL) took it upon herself to inform the family about the narrator’s condition, undermining their wishes and creating additional tension.

This revelation led to a series of emotional conflicts:

Family Reaction: The family, now aware of the situation, expressed their hurt and anger, believing they had a right to know sooner.
Feelings of Betrayal: The narrator felt betrayed by the SIL’s actions, which they perceived as a violation of their autonomy during a vulnerable time.
Strained Relationships: The narrator’s wife attempted to mediate the situation, but the emotional toll was significant, leading to feelings of isolation and frustration.

The narrator grappled with the following emotions:

Anger and Disappointment: They felt that their family’s focus was more on their own emotional needs rather than supporting the narrator during this difficult time.
Grief and Guilt: The narrator struggled with feelings of guilt for wanting to prioritize their own comfort and well-being over the family’s desire for closure.
Need for Understanding: They wished for their family to recognize their needs and respect their choices regarding how to handle their illness.

In conclusion, this story highlights the complexities of family dynamics in the face of serious illness. The narrator’s experience underscores the importance of open communication and mutual respect in conflict resolution, especially during emotionally charged situations like a cancer diagnosis.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

Fuck cancer. Just fuck cancer. I beat cancer once, having had to go through ablative treatments, radiation, and then finally a partial nephrectomy resulting in complete remission for six years.

Now I have to contend with the fact I have cancer again, in a new location, that we didn’t find until it had fucking populated through other organs like a goddamn mutation parade. I’m dying.

In short, I beat kidney cancer only to develop a specific gastric cancer which spread into my liver and lungs before we found it. Survival rate shot down to a literal coin toss deciding my life and then kept plummeting.

Targeted medicine wasn’t working, shoving tubes into my veins to block the blood flow feeding the cancer wasn’t working, and surgery wouldn’t cut it because of how much it had spread. We’ve escalated through a number of different medicines and dosages designed to stop the death march, but there gets to a point where the cost of another month is too much, both on my wife and I and our wallets.

So we’ve moved on to taking care of the symptoms instead, palliative not curative. But OP, you asked if you’re a dick for not telling your family!

Yea, I did, I’m getting there. It’s fucking Christmas, man. I already told my family I had cancer again when I first found out and that it wasn’t good odds.

Gave them a few updates that I was still undergoing treatment, when the previous medicines I was on had stopped working, and that we needed to get the tumors to shrink for surgery to even be an option. Got a “oh well, this new medicine intervention treatment will do the ticket” response when I told them this time last year that surgery would not be an option and we had moved on to a different medicine yet again.

Like I’m not so callous as to ignore the fact my potential death just isn’t something they considered. To them, I beat cancer once, so I’ll look and feel like shit for as long as it takes, but then I’m going to be back to normal and this will all be nothing more than a scary blip.

It’s nothing because there’s no possible way I can die after having beaten the Big C once before. Partly that’s why I wasn’t about to sit their asses down on Christ our savior’s commercialism birthday to say “surprise! It’s a gravestone!”

I have time still. I wanted to have one last semi-normal Christmas and New Year’s with my family before I told them that I had a year left. This went out the window because my SIL decided it was her moral obligation to hunt my mother down on Facebook and tell her, so she could spread the word amongst them all so they could have their final holidays with me the way they want and not regret missing out on their last chances.

Because fuck the dead guy, right? SIL told them two weeks before my wife and I flew in, and my family didn’t tell me they knew because they knew I would be too hurt and angry to come visit.

Pretty sure they also thought that once I got here I wouldn’t feel able to leave, which would give them plenty of time to tell me how selfish I am so I would work harder and through not being lazy and selfish I’ll beat cancer again. Like the ultimate “have you tried not dying?”

I am struggling with the betrayal, the absolute fucking audacity, the sheer gall. I’m sure that I have other synonyms I could use or phrases, but the point has been made.

My wife’s talked me down to staying in a hotel for a few days for distance rather than packing up and going home because she knows right now I’m considering fucking off for the rest of my life. She’s also been fielding communication between me and my family so I don’t have to deal with the “but we love you and losing you hurts us so much, we had to have our Christmas with you” and “you should have told us, how horrible for us that we had to find out from someone going behind your back.”

And “but here is this medicine that I read online about, why don’t you tell your doctor you want to try this next? Why won’t you undergo medication treatments that are proven not to work well on your specific cancer? I read an article! Tell your doctors your mommy read an article and needs you to undergo unnecessary treatments!” and my personal favorite, all the “you’re giving up and being selfish” fuckery.

She did call up her sister and read her the riot act, which was cathartic to hear at the time, but right now I am just a bundle of pain. I know it’s not so cut and dry. I know my family is grieving; they’ve had far less time to process than my wife and I have had, but I’m so fucking mad and disgusted with them.

They aren’t thinking about me at all. I should be able to rely on them, but here I am having to console them and help them through their grieving process. They hadn’t fucking bothered to do anything more than call once in a while after the second diagnosis and listening to any discussion about my cancer for all of two sentences before they moved on to something else.

They just want to cram in all their sentimental shit for their own sake and trample all over me. Like I’m some fucking prop for their own emotional closure. Somehow trying to explain that to them results in them saying it’s their last Christmas too, so I can’t be so selfish to ignore that and how it doesn’t have to be my last one if I didn’t give up.

Like I am so sorry I don’t want to spend every last minute of my life puking and shitting my guts out and damaging my heart and liver until those kill me instead of the cancer. I had this silly idea of spending time with my wife; I know, what a selfish bastard I am.

God, this is getting away from me and turning into a “fuck my life” rant fest. TLDR: I’m dying, I wanted to tell my family this after the new year, SIL went behind my back and told my family, family is hurt and angry and panicking and ignoring my needs and wants as a result.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments express a strong sense of empathy and support for the original poster, emphasizing the importance of setting boundaries with family during a difficult time. Many users encourage open communication with the poster’s wife and suggest that they prioritize their emotional well-being over family expectations. There is a consensus that the sister-in-law’s actions are inappropriate, and the poster should focus on spending quality time with their wife without external pressures.

Overall Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict During Illness

Dealing with a serious illness like cancer is an incredibly challenging experience, not just for the individual but also for their family. The situation described highlights the complexities of communication and emotional needs during such a difficult time. Here are some practical steps to help resolve the conflict while addressing both sides:

For the Narrator

Communicate Your Needs: Have an open and honest conversation with your wife about your feelings and needs. Express how you wish to handle your health updates and the importance of your autonomy in this situation.
Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate your boundaries to your family regarding your health information. Let them know that you will share updates when you feel ready, and ask for their understanding and respect.
Focus on Quality Time: Prioritize spending meaningful time with your wife and loved ones. Create moments of joy and normalcy, which can provide comfort amidst the turmoil.
Seek Support: Consider speaking with a therapist or counselor who specializes in grief and illness. They can help you navigate your emotions and provide coping strategies.

For the Family

Practice Empathy: Understand that the narrator is going through an incredibly difficult time. Acknowledge their feelings and respect their wishes regarding how and when to share health updates.
Open Dialogue: Encourage open communication within the family. Instead of reacting with anger or hurt, express your feelings in a constructive manner and ask how you can support the narrator.
Avoid Assumptions: Refrain from assuming that you know what the narrator needs or wants. Instead, ask them directly how you can help and what they would prefer regarding family involvement.
Respect Boundaries: Accept the narrator’s decision to share information at their own pace. Respecting their boundaries can foster trust and strengthen family relationships during this challenging time.

Conclusion

Conflict during a health crisis can be emotionally charged, but with empathy, open communication, and respect for boundaries, it is possible to navigate these challenges. Both the narrator and their family can work towards a resolution that honors the narrator’s needs while fostering a supportive environment. Remember, the goal is to create a space where everyone feels heard and valued, allowing for healing and connection during a difficult journey.