AITA For Not Dropping Everything When My Mother Was Dying And Waiting Until The Funeral Home Has Death Certificates Before Planning Anything?

AITA for not dropping everything when my mother was dying and waiting until the funeral home has death certificates before planning anything?

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

When Family Expectations Clash with Personal Trauma

In a heart-wrenching tale of loss and complicated family dynamics, a young non-binary individual grapples with the aftermath of their abusive mother’s sudden death from cancer. Despite the emotional turmoil and financial strain of planning a funeral from across the country, they face relentless pressure from relatives who seem oblivious to the toxic history that shaped their relationship. This story resonates with anyone who has navigated the complexities of familial obligations, especially when those ties are fraught with pain and misunderstanding. Can one truly mourn a parent who caused so much hurt, and how does one balance personal healing with societal expectations?

Family Drama Surrounding a Complicated Loss

In a recent situation involving family drama and unresolved conflicts, a 26-year-old non-binary individual (referred to as “they”) is facing backlash from relatives and friends following the death of their mother. The mother passed away due to complications from cancer, and the relationship between them was fraught with emotional and financial abuse.

Background: The individual had a complicated relationship with their mother, who was emotionally, mentally, and financially abusive. Their father had also been abusive and passed away during their high school years.
Mother’s Illness: After years of low contact, the individual re-established communication with their mother when she was diagnosed with cancer. However, the relationship remained strained.
Final Days: The individual was unable to be present during their mother’s final moments due to financial constraints and the rapid decline of their mother’s health.

Following the mother’s death, the individual opted for cremation and decided to delay further arrangements until they received the death certificates. They communicated this decision on social media, indicating that they would share details once arrangements were finalized.

Family Reactions: Two weeks after the mother’s passing, the individual began receiving pressure from relatives and friends regarding funeral arrangements. Many of these individuals had not been in contact with the mother for years.
Accusations: They faced accusations of selfishness for not returning home sooner and for choosing cremation over burial, despite the mother’s lack of pre-arranged plans or life insurance.
Financial Struggles: The individual expressed their inability to afford travel for the funeral and mentioned the possibility of crowdfunding to cover expenses.

As the situation escalated, the individual clarified that they are the sole inheritor of their mother’s estate and are currently navigating the complexities of probate. They also noted that their mother had a will, but accessing necessary information requires the death certificates.

Community Support: Many commenters expressed understanding and support, affirming that the individual is not obligated to hold a funeral if they choose not to.
Personal Reflection: The individual acknowledged that their mother had painted them in a negative light to others, complicating the perception of their relationship.
Future Plans: They indicated a desire to speak their truth if a gathering is held in their mother’s honor, emphasizing the importance of addressing past grievances for personal healing.

In summary, this situation highlights the complexities of family dynamics, especially in the wake of loss. The individual is navigating their grief while dealing with external pressures and expectations, seeking conflict resolution in a challenging environment.

TL;DR: A 26-year-old non-binary person faces family drama after their abusive mother passed away from cancer. They opted for cremation and are dealing with pressure from relatives regarding funeral arrangements, while also managing financial constraints and the complexities of probate.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story: TW Transphobia, family loss, cancer and treatment, mentions of various forms of abuse physical, mental, emotional, financial

Hey everyone. Sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes. I’m on mobile and it’s been a long few weeks.

First time here and throwaway account. I, a 20s Enby, am getting some comments and aggressiveness from friends and family of my late mother. She died a few weeks ago from complications due to cancer, and I live halfway across the country in the US and could not afford to drop everything and be there with her.

She went from being in the ICU as a precaution to end of life in about 4 days. I am also neurodivergent, and the nurses were assuring me that she wasn’t that bad up until the point when we were in the last few hours. I had a very, VERY complicated relationship with my mother.

She was my mother, and on some level, I loved her, but she was narcissistic and abusive. My father died when I was in high school, and he was abusive as well, mostly physically. My mother was emotionally, mentally, and financially abusive.

Among some of the things she did, she would let the electricity, power, or phone turn off to force me to pay the full bill plus late fees when she could have afforded it. She hoarded and made a mess of the house, then yelled at me for making the messes and insisted I clean it. She would even deny guests by telling them that I made the house a mess.

She would insult and embarrass me publicly, then make fun of me for being upset. Constant gaslighting—you get the point. It all got worse when I came out as transgender.

I was able, with the help of my wonderful partner, to get out of that situation and move away. My relationship with my mother was very low contact for years until she was diagnosed with cancer last spring. It was still low contact, but I spoke with her more frequently and had a much better relationship with her at a distance.

Still not a great relationship, but something that, after learning who and what she is and how to cope with everything, was a much better relationship than before. Anyway, after she passed and talking with the funeral home, I decided to have her cremated and hold off on making further arrangements until after the funeral home has copies of the death certificates.

I had made a post on social media, letting people know that when I had the arrangements made, I would make a post about it. Here we are almost 2 weeks later, and I’m getting a lot of “When are the arrangements? Why haven’t you come home? Why didn’t you go see your mom in the hospital? You know you’ll regret that, right? Why haven’t you made arrangements yet? Why did you cremate her? She should have been buried!”

I even had someone call me selfish for making others wait to mourn. A lot of these are people who haven’t talked to my mother in years, and my mother had made no plans for arrangements. She also hadn’t gotten any sort of life insurance despite me asking her to.

Not gonna lie, I still can’t afford to fly halfway across the country for this funeral, but I also have a bunch of stuff that I will need to do in person there. I am going to have to crowdfund to be able to afford to go to my own mother’s funeral. Someone told me to sell my mother’s house to afford to go to the funeral and that I should be ashamed for even considering crowdfunding.

Not sure they understand how long it takes to go through probate, even though I’m the sole inheritor. AITAWIBTA for any of this? For all of it?

TLDR: My abusive mother died kind of suddenly from complications due to cancer. She didn’t have any sort of life insurance or arrangements. I couldn’t afford to drop everything and fly halfway across the country to be with her in her final moments and am still not sure how I’m going to afford it for a funeral.

People are getting pushy about me coming home and having a funeral. I just want to wait until we have copies of the death certificate so I can get as much done as possible while there.

Edit 3: OK, so I’m getting a lot more comments than I thought, a lot quicker than I thought I would. I’m gonna clarify a few things that I’ve seen pop up in the comments. My mom did have a will; I actually have a copy of it.

I have already contacted the attorney who my mom worked with on it. They want some information that I don’t currently have access to and won’t be able to get access to until I have death certificates or until I can go there and check her house. I am the only child and the only living immediate relative.

My mom had people she referred to as cousins, but as far as I’m aware, they are not actually related. My mom was also older, in her mid-60s. My mom was older when she had me; I’m 26, and she was 65.

During her treatment, I did take a short trip paid by others to see her during a point of not knowing if she would recover. She was bedridden and, for lack of better words, not really there. She did recover and then recently went back downhill.

Seeing all of the people saying that I’m not obligated to have a funeral legitimately makes me feel better. Like 90% of the people my mom knew are her age or older.

Edit 4: I very much sugar-coated the type of person my mom was, and I feel like I need to specify that most people don’t know what my relationship with my mother was actually like. Everyone thinks she was a wonderful person. She painted me as a bad child even before I moved out and away.

I’ve not used my dead name in nearly 7 years, and she would still call me my birth name and stuff to people behind my back. She only tried when it was convenient for her. She was still blaming the state of her house on me despite the fact I haven’t lived there in years.

They say don’t speak ill of the dead, but if I do have a funeral or any sort of gathering in her honor, I will be saying my peace because sometimes, in order to move on and heal, you need to speak ill of the dead.

Edit 5: So first, thanks for all the comments. It’s very hard to keep up with everything, but I’m trying my best to read all of them. Second, how many of you want updates on this? Because I woke up to learn about people back in my hometown starting some shit and spreading rumors.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) is not at fault for not being able to afford a funeral, emphasizing that there is no obligation to hold one if it is financially unfeasible. Many users highlight the lack of support from the deceased’s friends and family, suggesting that they should assist rather than place expectations on the OP. Overall, the comments advocate for prioritizing the OP’s well-being and decision-making in this difficult situation.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict After Loss

Dealing with the loss of a loved one is never easy, especially when complicated family dynamics are involved. In this situation, the individual is navigating grief while facing external pressures from relatives regarding funeral arrangements. Here are some practical steps to help resolve the conflict while prioritizing personal well-being.

Steps for the Individual (OP)

Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate your limits regarding funeral arrangements and financial constraints. Let family members know that you are not in a position to meet their expectations and that your decisions are based on your circumstances.
Seek Support: Reach out to friends or support groups who understand your situation. Sharing your feelings with those who empathize can provide emotional relief and validation.
Consider a Memorial Gathering: If you feel comfortable, propose a low-key memorial gathering that allows family and friends to honor your mother without the pressure of a formal funeral. This can be a way to address grievances and share memories in a supportive environment.
Document Your Decisions: Keep a record of your communications regarding funeral arrangements and any financial discussions. This can help clarify your position and protect you from further accusations.
Focus on Healing: Prioritize your mental health during this time. Engage in self-care practices, whether through therapy, journaling, or other activities that help you process your emotions.

Steps for Family Members

Practice Empathy: Family members should strive to understand the OP’s perspective. Recognizing the complexities of their relationship with the deceased can foster compassion rather than judgment.
Offer Support: Instead of placing pressure on the OP, family members can offer assistance, whether through emotional support or financial help for funeral costs. This can create a more collaborative environment.
Communicate Openly: Encourage open dialogue about feelings and expectations. Family members should express their desires for honoring the deceased while being receptive to the OP’s needs and limitations.
Respect Decisions: Ultimately, the OP has the right to make decisions regarding their mother’s arrangements. Family members should respect these choices, even if they differ from their own preferences.

Conclusion

Family dynamics can be challenging, especially in the wake of loss. By setting clear boundaries, seeking support, and fostering open communication, both the individual and their family members can navigate this difficult time with greater understanding and compassion. Remember, prioritizing mental health and well-being is essential for healing and moving forward.