AITA For Telling My Deadbeat Dad I Don't Care About Him Or His Family In Front Of His Kids?

AITA for telling my deadbeat dad I don’t care about him or his family in front of his kids?

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

When Abandonment Comes Back to Haunt

In a heart-wrenching tale of family dynamics, a young man grapples with the emotional fallout of his father’s abandonment and the unexpected re-emergence of that father into his life. After years of neglect and child support battles, the father now seeks to integrate his estranged son into his new family, all while trying to maintain a facade of a perfect dad. The protagonist’s struggle to navigate this complex situation raises questions about loyalty, forgiveness, and the impact of parental choices on children. This story resonates with many who have faced similar feelings of betrayal and the challenge of reconciling past wounds with present realities.

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Complex Situation

A young adult reflects on their challenging relationship with their estranged father, who abandoned them at a young age. The story highlights the ongoing family drama and the tension surrounding a recent request from the father.

Background: The narrator’s father left when they were just two years old, leading to a difficult childhood marked by financial struggles and emotional neglect.
Child Support Issues: The father only began paying child support when his license was suspended, and even then, he attempted to reduce payments and questioned paternity through a DNA test.
Recent Developments: Two years ago, the father moved back to the area with his new family, but the narrator chose to ignore him, feeling resentment over his past actions.
Father’s New Family: The narrator observed their father playing the role of a good dad to his new children, which stirred feelings of anger and disappointment.
Therapy Insights: Through therapy, the narrator has come to terms with their feelings and has decided against pursuing any relationship with their father or his new family.

Recently, the father’s children discovered the narrator’s existence and expressed a desire to meet. The father, concerned about how his in-laws would react to his past abandonment, approached the narrator with a request:

Father’s Request: He asked the narrator to join a family dinner and pretend that they had just discovered their connection, hoping to avoid conflict with his in-laws.
Narrator’s Response: The narrator firmly declined the invitation, expressing their disdain for the father’s actions and the situation.
Confrontation: The father insisted that the narrator owed him this favor, claiming he was doing more than most fathers would. The narrator reiterated their desire to be left alone.

After the encounter, the father’s wife confronted the narrator’s mother, suggesting that the narrator should have reacted differently in front of the children. This led to a heated discussion between the mother and the wife:

Mother’s Support: The narrator’s mother defended her child, affirming that they did nothing wrong in the situation.
Narrator’s Feelings: Although the narrator feels a twinge of guilt for their harsh words towards the children, they remain resolute in their decision to avoid any engagement with their father’s family.

In conclusion, the narrator grapples with feelings of anger, resentment, and a desire for self-preservation amidst the family drama. They question whether they are in the wrong for their reaction, despite their father’s history of abandonment and manipulation.

So, AITA?

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

My dad abandoned me when I was 2. I don’t remember him being my dad or as a person really. But I remember what it was like without him and how crappy life was when he was dodging child support.

The only reason he started paying it was because his license got suspended, and he was screwed without that. I think I was 7 when we started getting that money, and he had to pay the backdated stuff too. When I was 10, I had to go for a DNA test because he questioned whether I was really his or not.

At the time, we had no idea why, just that I had to go for the test. I found out after it was because he’d gotten married and had a couple of kids, and he wanted to focus his resources on them and not on me. He tried to get the child support reduced and even tried to stop paying again, but the consequences would have been way more harsh if he’d continued, so he started paying again.

Two years ago, he moved back here with his family. He ignored me, and I ignored him. His wife approached me and my mom a couple of times, but she wasn’t someone either of us wanted to talk to, so we didn’t.

I saw him with his kids a few times, mostly when I was walking by the elementary school or if I went to the mall with friends. He’s playing the role of good dad to them right now, or that’s how it looked anyway. Does it bother me? Kinda.

Like I think it’s shitty that he moved back here instead of staying the fuck away when he abandoned me over and over again. I’m in therapy, and I know I don’t ever want a relationship with him or any of his family, and that includes his kids. That’s something therapy has helped me fully realize and work on.

I won’t be a dick to his kids if they approach me, but I’m not going to give a relationship any chance. I’m an only child in my heart, and that’s not about to change unless my mom had more kids. The current thing is something I don’t have all the details on.

But his kids found out I’m also his kid. They wanted to know me. He tried to downplay it as he just found out, and he wasn’t sure if I’d be in their family, but they keep talking about it.

His in-laws are coming into town in a couple of weeks, and he and his wife know the kids will mention me. His in-laws won’t like the fact he abandoned his kid, and he used a different word, but he abandoned me, so I’ll use that. He wanted me to come to dinner at his house and act like we all just found out.

He said he can deal with what the kids want after, but he doesn’t want the in-laws to know. He came up to me in the mall to ask me to do that, and I told him no, and I started to walk away. He had his kids with him; I need to mention that.

I didn’t interact with them, and I hardly interacted with him. Like I said, I was walking away, and then he told me I owed him that much, and he was paying for me, which is more than most dads like him do. He said I could do him and his family this one thing.

I told him I don’t care about him or his family, and I told him to leave me the fuck alone like he has for the last 14 years. Then I moved faster so he couldn’t keep saying shit to annoy me. When his wife found out about it, she went to my mom at work.

My mom works in a popular store in town, and she’d seen his wife in there a lot. His wife told my mom she needed to teach me to react better in front of kids and that I didn’t need to be cruel. My mom was pissed about the encounter and told me I did nothing wrong.

But I guess I do feel kinda bad for saying it to the kids. Not that I want to seek them out and apologize or anything, because I don’t want to engage at all. But AITA?

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) is not at fault (NTA) for their response to their father’s manipulative behavior. Users emphasize that the father intentionally brought the children to leverage emotional pressure, and OP’s honesty in a difficult situation was justified. Many commenters advocate for OP to maintain boundaries and not feel guilty for standing up against their father’s past neglect and entitlement.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Family conflicts, especially those rooted in past trauma, can be incredibly challenging to navigate. In this situation, both the narrator (OP) and the father have valid feelings and perspectives. Here are some practical steps for both sides to consider in order to foster understanding and potentially resolve the conflict:

For the Narrator (OP)

Reflect on Your Feelings: Take time to process your emotions regarding your father and his request. Journaling or discussing your feelings with a trusted friend or therapist can help clarify your thoughts.
Set Clear Boundaries: It’s important to maintain boundaries that protect your emotional well-being. Clearly communicate these boundaries to your father if he continues to reach out.
Consider a Mediated Conversation: If you feel comfortable, consider having a mediated conversation with your father, possibly with a therapist present. This can provide a safe space for both of you to express your feelings and needs.
Focus on Self-Care: Engage in activities that promote your mental health and well-being. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who respect your choices.
Be Open to Future Possibilities: While you may not want a relationship now, keep an open mind about the future. Healing takes time, and your feelings may evolve.

For the Father

Reflect on Your Actions: Take time to consider how your past decisions have impacted your relationship with your child. Acknowledging your mistakes is the first step toward healing.
Apologize Sincerely: If you haven’t already, consider offering a genuine apology to your child for the pain your actions have caused. Acknowledge their feelings without making excuses.
Respect Their Boundaries: Understand that your child may not be ready or willing to engage with you or your new family. Respect their decision and give them space.
Seek Professional Help: Consider speaking with a therapist to work through your feelings of guilt and to learn healthier ways to communicate with your children.
Focus on Your New Family: Invest time and energy into building a strong relationship with your new children. Ensure they understand the importance of empathy and respect for others’ feelings.

Conclusion

Family dynamics can be complex and fraught with emotion. Both the narrator and the father have the opportunity to grow from this experience. By taking steps to understand each other’s perspectives and feelings, they can work towards healing, whether that means rebuilding a relationship or finding peace in their individual paths.