WIBTA If I Started Making My Roommate Pay Half The Bills Even Though It Wasn't What We Initially Agreed Upon?

WIBTA if I started making my roommate pay half the bills even though it wasn’t what we initially agreed upon?

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Roommate Betrayal: A Story of Boundaries and Respect

When a kind-hearted individual opens their home to a roommate escaping an abusive situation, they expect mutual respect and understanding. However, after discovering that their roommate has discarded over 500 cherished books without permission, the balance of their living arrangement is thrown into chaos. This story raises thought-provoking questions about boundaries, respect for personal belongings, and the complexities of shared living situations. It resonates with anyone who has navigated the challenges of cohabitation and the emotional toll of feeling taken for granted.

Roommate Conflict Over Discarded Belongings

In a situation marked by family drama and conflict resolution, a person reflects on their challenging living arrangement with a roommate. Here’s a summary of the events that unfolded:

Living Arrangement: The narrator has a roommate who pays approximately 90% of half the rent, contributing around $700 towards a total rent of $1,600. The narrator covers the remaining expenses, including utilities, due to a higher income.
Background: The roommate moved in over a year ago, escaping an abusive situation. Initially, the narrator felt sympathy and offered them a place to stay.
Personal Belongings: The narrator had stored over 500 books in the guest room closet, intending to sort through them eventually. The room is furnished with the narrator’s furniture, including a large bed and a heavy bookshelf.
Incident with Bookshelf: Last year, the narrator discovered their bookshelf outside by the dumpsters. They confronted the roommate, insisting it be returned, but did not offer a solution for its storage.
Recent Discovery: After hiring a cleaning service, the narrator learned that the roommate had thrown away all of their books months prior. This included a significant collection that held sentimental value, as the books had been kept since middle school.
Emotional Impact: The narrator felt devastated not just by the loss of the books but also by the roommate’s lack of respect for their belongings. This led to a week of silence between them.
Future Actions: The narrator is considering changing the financial arrangement, drafting a document to split household expenses evenly, which would increase the roommate’s contribution by at least $500. They are contemplating whether it would be appropriate to leave this document taped to the roommate’s door.
Reflection: The narrator acknowledges that the original agreement has changed due to the roommate’s actions. They express frustration over the lack of communication and respect shown by the roommate.
Personal Growth: The narrator shares insights about their struggles with ADHD and people-pleasing tendencies, emphasizing their journey towards setting boundaries and not being taken advantage of.
Next Steps: Instead of leaving a note, the narrator plans to take a weekend away to clear their head and intends to have a direct conversation with the roommate upon their return.

This situation highlights the complexities of living with others, especially when personal belongings and respect are involved. The narrator’s journey towards conflict resolution will be crucial in determining the future of their living arrangement.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

I have a roommate who pays me about 90% of half the rent, so if the total rent is 1,600, they contribute around 700. I cover the rest, along with water, gas, internet, and electricity, because I earn more than they do. When they first moved in, I felt sorry for them because they were leaving an abusive situation.

It’s been a little over a year since they moved into my guest room, and overall, it hasn’t been too bad. However, when they moved in, I had some of my belongings in the closet, primarily books. The room is fully furnished with my furniture, including a large bed that takes up a lot of space, a heavy bookshelf, and around 500 books stored in 56 boxes and two large bags.

I always intended to go through them, pick out my favorites, and donate or sell the rest, but due to my ADHD and object impermanence, I kept pushing it off. In the long run, I envisioned turning the room into a closet-library after they moved out since I prefer having my clothes visible rather than stored away. Last year, I came home to find my bookshelf outside by the dumpsters.

I immediately told my roommate to put it back in the room because they had no right to throw away my belongings. If they had asked, I would have found another place for it, but I was so frustrated that I insisted they return it to the room without offering an alternative solution. Fast forward to now, I recently hired someone to help clean my apartment when work gets too busy.

They offered to organize my cabinets, which reminded me to finally sort through my books—only to be told that my roommate had thrown them all away months ago. Over 500 books—hardcover, paperback, large, small, books I had kept since middle school—just gone. They never asked, never mentioned feeling uncomfortable with them in the closet, never gave me a chance to move them.

They simply decided to discard decades of my history without my permission. I was so upset that I haven’t spoken to them in over a week. It’s not just about the books; it’s about the complete lack of respect for my things.

My first instinct is to kick them out. Yes, I understand the legal complexities of tenancy and eviction, but instead, I’ve decided that I no longer want to cover the bulk of the bills. I’ve drafted a document that evenly splits all household expenses, which will increase their contribution by at least 500.

WIBTA if I taped it to their door? This isn’t the arrangement we originally agreed upon when they moved in, but at this point, I feel that if they can blatantly disrespect my belongings, they no longer deserve my generosity.

ETA: I started responding to comments, but as a recovering people-pleaser with a tendency to over-explain, I realized it was triggering what my therapist calls rejection sensitivity. I wasn’t using my ADHD as an excuse—just explaining how a specific neurodivergent term relates to the discussion. Since I was diagnosed later in life, I’ve had to constantly explain my behavior and thought processes to those around me.

I struggle when I feel like people are upset with me and often overcompensate when I sense someone doesn’t like me. Believe it or not, I genuinely am a kind person. Helping others is not only my passion but also my profession, and I come from a background of religious public service.

It has taken years of therapy to stop allowing myself to be taken advantage of due to the fact that I want to feed everyone, save everyone, and help everyone. That being said, I did not leave a note. I left out of town for the weekend to clear my head, and I will have a discussion with them when I get back.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the roommate’s actions were unacceptable, as they unlawfully disposed of the OP’s belongings, which constitutes theft. While some users acknowledge that the OP could have better managed their space and belongings, the majority agree that the roommate’s behavior is a breach of trust and a violation of property rights. Many commenters suggest that the OP should consider evicting the roommate to resolve the situation effectively.

Overall Verdict: ESH

Expert Advice for Resolving the Roommate Conflict

Conflict in shared living situations can be challenging, especially when personal belongings and emotional attachments are involved. Here are some practical steps to help both the narrator and the roommate navigate this situation effectively:

For the Narrator

Reflect on Your Feelings: Take time to process your emotions regarding the loss of your books and the breach of trust. Acknowledge your feelings of devastation and frustration.
Prepare for the Conversation: Before approaching your roommate, outline your thoughts and feelings. Consider what you want to communicate, focusing on how their actions affected you personally.
Set a Meeting: Instead of leaving a note, request a time to talk in person. This shows respect and allows for a more open dialogue.
Communicate Clearly: During the conversation, express your feelings without assigning blame. Use “I” statements, such as “I felt hurt when my books were thrown away,” to convey your emotions without escalating tensions.
Discuss Boundaries: Clearly outline your expectations regarding personal belongings and shared spaces. Establishing boundaries can help prevent future misunderstandings.
Consider Financial Adjustments: If you feel the financial arrangement needs to change, discuss this openly. Be transparent about your reasoning and listen to your roommate’s perspective.
Explore Alternatives: If the conversation does not lead to a satisfactory resolution, consider discussing the possibility of finding a new living arrangement for both parties.

For the Roommate

Reflect on Your Actions: Acknowledge the impact of your decision to discard the narrator’s belongings. Understand that this action has caused significant emotional distress.
Apologize Sincerely: Offer a genuine apology for your actions. Acknowledge the hurt caused and express your understanding of why it was wrong.
Listen Actively: During the conversation, listen to the narrator’s feelings without becoming defensive. Validate their emotions and show empathy for their loss.
Discuss Living Arrangements: Be open to discussing the financial arrangement and any changes that may be necessary. Consider the narrator’s perspective and be willing to compromise.
Commit to Better Communication: Moving forward, prioritize open communication about shared spaces and belongings. Establish a system for discussing any issues that arise.
Seek Support: If you are struggling with personal issues that affect your behavior, consider seeking support from friends, family, or professionals to help you navigate these challenges.

Conclusion

Conflict resolution requires effort from both parties. By approaching the situation with empathy, clear communication, and a willingness to understand each other’s perspectives, both the narrator and the roommate can work towards a healthier living arrangement. Remember, setting boundaries and respecting each other’s belongings are crucial for maintaining a harmonious home.