WIBTA If I Never Want To Hear From Or About My Bf’s Best Friend Ever Again?

WIBTA if I never want to hear from or about my bf’s best friend ever again?

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

When Friendship Turns Toxic: A Struggle for Boundaries

In a complex web of friendship and loyalty, a woman grapples with her boyfriend’s long-standing relationship with a friend who seems to overshadow their lives. As she navigates the abrasive personality of Dave, who has been a source of support for her boyfriend during a traumatic time, she finds herself increasingly drained by his critical and possessive behavior. The tension escalates during a recent gathering, leading her to question the impact of this friendship on her own mental health and relationship. This story resonates with anyone who has faced the challenge of setting boundaries with friends who may not have their best interests at heart.

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: Navigating a Complicated Friendship

In a challenging situation involving family dynamics and friendships, a woman finds herself grappling with her boyfriend’s complicated relationship with a friend named Dave. The story unfolds as follows:

Background:
- Boyfriend (33M) has been friends with Dave (early 40s) for about 10 years.
- They met while working at a cafe and bonded over shared interests.
- Boyfriend’s father died by suicide two years after they met, leading to a period of withdrawal and weight gain for him.
- Dave provided support during this traumatic time, which solidified their friendship.
Integration into Family:
- After four years, boyfriend began to rebuild his life, encouraged by Dave.
- He introduced Dave and his wife to his family, who welcomed them into family events.
- Dave’s background includes a history of poverty and abuse, leading to his abrasive personality.
Family Tension:
- Dave’s dominating behavior began to alienate boyfriend’s family members.
- Boyfriend’s mother expressed discomfort with Dave’s presence at family gatherings.
- Dave and his wife reacted negatively, leading to feelings of guilt and confusion.
Recent Events:
- After almost two years of dating, the woman has tried to maintain a cordial relationship with Dave.
- However, interactions have become increasingly uncomfortable and stressful.
- During a recent gathering at her apartment, Dave made disparaging comments about her boyfriend.
- Despite attempts to engage positively, the atmosphere remained tense and awkward.
Emotional Impact:
- After the gathering, the woman felt drained and upset, leading her to block Dave and delete their group chat.
- She expressed concerns about the toxicity of Dave’s influence on her boyfriend.
- Her boyfriend defended Dave, citing his past support during difficult times.
Future Considerations:
- The woman is contemplating whether to discuss her feelings with her boyfriend.
- She is unsure if her feelings are overly judgmental or if she has the right to question his friendships.
- She plans to check in with herself in a week to assess her feelings and consider the future of their relationship.

This situation highlights the complexities of family drama and the challenges of conflict resolution when navigating friendships that may be detrimental to personal well-being. The woman is left to weigh her options carefully, balancing her boyfriend’s feelings with her own mental health needs.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

My boyfriend (33m) has a very complicated friendship with a guy named Dave (not his real name). Dave is in his early 40s, and they met about 10 years ago while working at a cafe. They bonded over common nerdy interests and hobbies.

About 2 years after working at the cafe and meeting this friend, my boyfriend’s father died by suicide. It was obviously hugely traumatic for my boyfriend. He withdrew into himself, played video games nonstop, and gained upwards of 80lbs.

Dave helped him during this time and provided counsel and a listening ear. It is one of the main reasons they are still close friends to this day. Around age 29, four years after his dad passed, my boyfriend started trying to get his life together.

He got an office job based on a recommendation from Dave’s wife, rented out his mom’s condo for himself, and started trying to engage in life again. Dave encouraged him, and my boyfriend decided to try and integrate him and his wife into his family, bringing Dave to family events and holidays. This, to my knowledge, is where things got weird.

Dave grew up extremely poor and was heavily abused; he does not have any contact with his family. He is also heavily autistic and admits himself that he doesn’t get along with people in general. Conversely, my boyfriend’s family was very well off prior to his dad’s death; poor financial investments and losing a ton of money are suspected to be one of the reasons his dad ended things.

Dave and his wife integrated into the family and called my boyfriend’s mom their mom. This is all before I came into the picture, and for several years, they joined my boyfriend’s family for holidays and such. However, the thing about Dave is that he’s an incredibly abrasive person.

He will offer his opinion regardless of whether you want it or not, he talks constantly and over people, he dominates conversations, and he is extremely critical of my boyfriend. My boyfriend’s family members started not coming to family events simply to avoid Dave. My boyfriend’s mom eventually expressed discomfort with having Dave and his wife at all their family events, and Dave did not take this well.

Essentially, they said they were being abandoned and heavily guilt-tripped my boyfriend. To be fair, my boyfriend’s mom didn’t handle this well at all and was not forthcoming with them, leading to a lot of hurt feelings and confusion. My first Christmas with my boyfriend was the last holiday that Dave and his wife attended, and it was NOT a pleasant time.

We have been together almost 2 years now, and my boyfriend maintains a relationship with Dave, but to be frank, I think it’s incredibly toxic. Dave talks down to him, lectures him, and gets threatened and pouty if they don’t spend time together or even game online together. He acts like a possessive girlfriend or disapproving father, and it’s so weird.

I’ve tried to go with the flow and hang out with Dave and his wife, and his wife and I have even formed a friendship of our own. Not sure how she deals with all this; apparently, Dave is a devoted and doting husband to her, which I’m glad for, but also???? But each time we’ve hung out with them, every few months since the beginning of our relationship, the experience just gets worse and worse.

Dave has controversial opinions he loves to talk about; he says things in public without thinking and then gets mad if people around us are upset. He is just not a pleasant person. I’ve tried, but this recent hangout yesterday is the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Long story short, they came over to my apartment where my boyfriend has been staying with me. He was getting groceries for the hangout, so it was just me when they arrived. IMMEDIATELY, Dave starts making disparaging comments about my boyfriend.

He and his wife basically start complaining about him. I tried to just ride it out, but it felt like they were egging me on to talk badly about my own boyfriend. I eventually said as much and expressed that I didn’t like this.

My boyfriend came back with groceries, and thankfully the awkwardness ended. Just kidding. While helping me unpack the groceries, Dave made comments about our fancy snacks and that we were living beyond our means.

I didn’t realize pita chips were fancy snacks, but okay. At this point, I’m stressed, and my boyfriend did overshop, so there’s a lot of food. We eat snacks and chat, and things calm down.

We were supposed to watch a movie, but that never happened. Instead, Dave’s wife and my boyfriend started talking in the kitchen, and Dave took this opportunity to grill me about my life and happiness. He’s giving advice, and I’m engaging because, again, this is a person my boyfriend loves, and I do think he has a unique perspective on things; he’s heavily into Taoism and acceptance, so that was cool to talk about.

But it keeps going. For an hour. It gets to the point that Dave asks if I’m happy with things in my life, including the relationship, and when I honestly answer that there are things we could work on, he gets weird.

He says this puts him in a difficult position. He says I’m doing too much and spreading myself too thin. He thinks I should just drop everything and restart.

We never end up watching the movie, and dinner is awkward as hell. After 8 hours at my house, they leave. As they were leaving, I gave them both hugs and was trying to just keep the positive aspects of our conversation in my mind.

But when they left, I felt so drained, exhausted, angry, and sad. I had a terrible time, and I still feel like shit, and I can tell my boyfriend does as well. I ended up just blocking Dave and deleting the group chat last night for my own mental health.

I just didn’t want to hear from him. And now I’m thinking I never want to hear from him or about him ever again. I feel sick and sad for my boyfriend that this toxic man is in his life.

But my boyfriend kept saying how Dave helped him, and he knows he’s difficult, but he’s been a good friend. My boyfriend was also tense, and we got into a spat where he said I had no right to comment on his relationships. At this point, I have a reminder in my phone to check in with myself in a week to see if this still bothers me and if I should break up with my boyfriend.

But maybe I am being overly judgmental, and I don’t have the right to question my boyfriend’s friendships. Above all, I never want to hear from Dave again. But I feel guilty if I just ghost him in the group chat.

I could say something, but quite frankly, I’m still mentally exhausted. WIBTA for blocking Dave and planning to tell my boyfriend I don’t want to hear about him

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the relationship with Dave is detrimental to the user’s mental health and overall well-being. Many users emphasize that the boyfriend must choose between maintaining a friendship with Dave and preserving his romantic relationship, as Dave’s presence seems to bring more stress than value. Ultimately, the majority opinion suggests that prioritizing personal health and boundaries is crucial, leading to the conclusion that blocking Dave may be a necessary step.

Verdict: YTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

Navigating complex family dynamics and friendships can be challenging, especially when emotions run high. Here are some practical steps for both the woman and her boyfriend to consider in resolving this conflict while prioritizing their well-being and relationship.

For the Woman

Reflect on Your Feelings: Take time to understand your emotions regarding Dave. Consider journaling your thoughts to clarify what specifically bothers you about his behavior and its impact on your relationship.
Communicate Openly: Schedule a calm and private conversation with your boyfriend. Express your feelings without placing blame. Use “I” statements, such as “I feel uncomfortable when Dave makes negative comments,” to convey your perspective.
Set Boundaries: Discuss what boundaries you need to feel safe and respected in your relationship. This could include limiting interactions with Dave or establishing guidelines for family gatherings.
Seek Support: Consider talking to a trusted friend or therapist about your feelings. They can provide an outside perspective and help you navigate this emotional landscape.

For the Boyfriend

Listen Actively: When your partner shares her feelings, listen without interrupting. Acknowledge her concerns and validate her emotions, even if you feel defensive about Dave.
Evaluate the Friendship: Reflect on the friendship with Dave. Consider whether it is worth the strain it places on your romantic relationship. Ask yourself if Dave’s behavior aligns with your values and the kind of support you want in your life.
Communicate with Dave: If you decide to maintain the friendship, have an honest conversation with Dave about his behavior. Explain how it affects your relationship and express the need for him to be more considerate during family gatherings.
Prioritize Your Relationship: Make it clear to your partner that her feelings are important to you. Show her that you are willing to make changes to ensure both her comfort and the health of your relationship.

Joint Steps

Establish Mutual Goals: Together, discuss what you both want from your relationship and how to support each other. This can help strengthen your bond and create a united front when dealing with external conflicts.
Consider Professional Help: If the situation remains unresolved, consider couples therapy. A professional can facilitate discussions and help both of you navigate your feelings and the complexities of your relationships.
Check-In Regularly: Make it a habit to check in with each other about your feelings regarding Dave and any other stressors. This ongoing communication can help prevent misunderstandings and build trust.

Ultimately, prioritizing mental health and setting healthy boundaries is essential for both partners. By approaching the situation with empathy and open communication, you can work towards a resolution that respects both your needs and the complexities of your relationships.