AITA For Not Wanting To Give My Friend Her Key Back

AITA for not wanting to give my friend her key back

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Friendship Torn by Infidelity: A Delicate Dilemma

When a close friend confesses to an affair that shatters her marriage, the fallout leaves her husband devastated and seeking space. As the emotional turmoil escalates, the wife plans a surprise visit to confront him, but her friend is caught in the middle, holding the key to their apartment. This relatable story explores the complexities of loyalty, mental health, and the moral quandaries that arise when friendships intertwine with romantic betrayals. Can one truly support a friend without betraying another?

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Friend’s Dilemma

A friend finds herself in a complicated situation involving a couple she has known for three years. The couple, consisting of a wife (26) and husband (31), faced a significant crisis after the wife had a brief affair. Here’s a breakdown of the events leading to the current conflict:

Background: The wife moved to another city for work while the husband stayed behind to complete his master’s degree.
Affair Revelation: In September, the wife confided in her friend about the affair, which she ended to focus on her marriage. However, the affair was revealed to the husband by the other party, leaving him devastated.
Emotional Support: The friend has been in regular contact with the wife, providing emotional support during this tumultuous time. The husband has gone low-to-no contact with the wife, seeking space.
Divorce Papers: Recently, the wife was served with divorce papers and expressed a desire to speak with her husband in person. However, he is only willing to communicate via FaceTime.
Controversial Plan: The wife wants to surprise her husband by flying to his city and showing up at his apartment unannounced, despite concerns about how he might react.

Complicating matters further, the friend holds a key to the couple’s apartment, which the husband has asked her to keep. The wife has requested that the friend give her the key upon her arrival, so she can enter the apartment without alerting her husband. The friend is conflicted about this request for several reasons:

Trust Issues: The friend is concerned that giving the key to the wife may betray the husband’s trust, especially since he has changed the door code.
Safety Concerns: The friend worries about the potential for a negative reaction from the husband, particularly since he is a former military member and may be startled by an unexpected visitor at night.
Legal Rights: The wife is still on the lease, which gives her the legal right to enter the apartment, complicating the friend’s decision.

After much deliberation, the friend has decided to reach out to the wife to express her discomfort with the plan. She acknowledges the emotional turmoil the wife is experiencing but also recognizes the potential for manipulation in the situation. The friend aims to support both parties while navigating the delicate balance of their friendship.

In conclusion, the friend is faced with a moral dilemma: whether to give the key to the wife or uphold her loyalty to the husband. This situation highlights the complexities of family drama and the challenges of conflict resolution in relationships.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

I became friends with a couple, F26M31, when they moved to my city about 3 years ago. I met them together and am closer with the wife but also still friends with the husband.

About a year ago, the wife moved to another city for her job while the husband stayed behind to finish his master’s.

I got a call from the wife in September. She was inconsolable and said that she had a brief affair with someone but called it off because she wanted to focus on her marriage. The AP did not take it well, found the husband, and told him everything in painful detail with screenshots and photo evidence.

The husband was obviously blindsided and devastated. They are still in two separate states, and the husband has gone low-to-no contact with the wife, asking her for space. She has been incredibly emotional since this happened.

I’ve been in contact with her multiple times a day, even just to check in and let her know she’s loved and important, but she’s understandably been a mess. I’ve seen the husband a few times. I let him know that the wife told me what happened and that I just wanted him to know that I’m here if he needs anything.

My goal is to just be there for both of my friends and not get in the middle. To me, it comes down to some bad decisions that were made that had really painful consequences. There’s no villain in this story. People are not the sum of their mistakes.

Fast forward to present day, where the wife was served with divorce papers. She wants to talk to him in person, but he doesn’t. He agreed to FaceTime only if they do speak.

She wants to fly here without telling him and show up on his doorstep to fight for the marriage. They have a door code to their apartment that they use every day. They also have a key, which they gave me about a year ago when I was watching their pets.

When I went to give it back to the husband, he said just to hang onto it. He let her know that he has changed the code to the door, so right now she has no physical way to get into the apartment if he’s not home. She’s also concerned that he won’t let her in if he knows it’s her, which I don’t think would be the case, but who knows.

She asked me to pick her up from the airport and give her the key so that she can get in. I said I’m really not comfortable with it because I don’t want the husband to feel like I’ve betrayed him or was part of some sort of ambush.

She’s also walking in at 10 PM when he is not expecting anybody. I’d be really spooked if it was me. He’s former military, but I just think it’s not great to surprise anyone that late.

I know this sounds stupid, but I suggested that if she Ubers to the apartment and he won’t let her in or isn’t home, I can drive over—I’m only 15 min away—and give her the key then, but she said no. She is on the lease, so she can still legally enter the apartment, so I’ve reluctantly agreed to give her the key upfront.

So, AITA to HIM if I give her the key, or AITA to HER if I don’t give it to her upfront?

EDIT 1: I should have clarified that they were still together when they gave me the key, which is part of why I’m conflicted. She technically gave it to me with him there. She had already moved for her job when I went to give it back, and he told me to just hang on to it.

EDIT 2: This is a difficult situation because her mental health has declined significantly since this all occurred. There have been episodes of self-harm and suicidal thoughts where she was actually making a plan and reached out to me.

I was able to coordinate with one of her friends there and convinced her to admit herself to the hospital for a 48-hour hold. So her mental health has been incredibly fragile. That doesn’t excuse the choices she’s made in any way.

During those episodes, she asked me to reach out to her husband to tell him the state she was in, and I told her no because I felt like it was manipulative. I also felt like whether he responded or not, it would only impact her negatively either way, and she needed to work with her therapist to help her through this.

The support I’ve given her has been solely regarding her mental health. I haven’t engaged in any conversations with either of them about the other. She has mostly vented to me about her deep regret, remorse, guilt, and lack of self-worth because of the choices she’s made.

As her friend, I’ve really tried to just support her as a vulnerable human being by reminding her that we are not the sum of our mistakes. While this is painful and has some deep consequences, she still has so much to live for.

I say all this because I’m seeing a lot of comments saying that I inserted myself into the middle of this, but this all just happened today. She asked me for the key, and I told her I wasn’t comfortable with that for the reasons stated in my original post.

She is obviously emotional, and again, she is technically the one that gave me the key, which is why I reluctantly agreed. But then I came here because my conscience is telling me that’s not the right decision, even though I feel like I’m trying to balance a sensitive situation that has been really intense.

EDIT 3: Wow! What a jolt this has been in a really short span of time. First, I do want to say that I absolutely think the choices she made were wrong. And so does she.

She knows that she effed up and has been torturing herself over it in some really intense ways—ways that I am absolutely not qualified to help her navigate but have tried to be a supportive friend through it because of the immediacy and severity of the help she needed at the time.

Thanks to everyone for the perspective. I think I have been so worried about her emotional state over the last few months that I’ve been too close to it to see what some of you are saying, in that she’s being a bit manipulative with me, especially when I told her I wasn’t comfortable giving her the key.

I’m going to call her tomorrow and let her know that I’m not giving it to her. I really appreciate the snap out of it! slap a lot of you provided.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments reveal a strong consensus around the idea that the original poster (OP) should not give the key to the cheating wife, as it would violate the husband’s boundaries and potentially escalate the situation. Most users agree that OP should return the key to the husband and remain neutral, emphasizing that getting involved in the couple’s issues could lead to further complications and harm to the husband.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

In navigating this complex situation, it’s essential to approach both the wife and husband with empathy while maintaining boundaries. Here are practical steps for the friend to consider:

Communicate Openly with the Wife:
- Schedule a calm and honest conversation with the wife to express your concerns about her plan to surprise her husband.
- Emphasize the potential risks involved, including the husband’s emotional state and the possibility of a negative reaction.
- Encourage her to consider alternative ways to communicate with her husband, such as a scheduled FaceTime call, which respects his boundaries.
Return the Key to the Husband:
- Arrange a time to meet with the husband and return the key, reinforcing your loyalty to him and his trust.
- Use this opportunity to check in on his emotional well-being and offer support during this challenging time.
Maintain Neutrality:
- Make it clear to both parties that you are not taking sides but are concerned about their well-being.
- Encourage them to communicate directly with each other, as this is crucial for resolving their issues.
Encourage Professional Help:
- Suggest that both the wife and husband consider seeking counseling, either individually or together, to navigate their feelings and the complexities of their relationship.
- Professional guidance can provide them with tools to communicate effectively and address underlying issues.
Set Boundaries for Yourself:
- Recognize your limits in this situation and prioritize your own emotional health.
- Be clear about what you are comfortable with regarding involvement in their relationship issues.

By taking these steps, you can help both the wife and husband navigate their conflict while maintaining your integrity and support for both parties. Remember, your role is to facilitate communication and understanding, not to solve their problems for them.