WIBTA If I Ignored My Parents “olive Branch” After The Traumatic Birth Of My Babies?

WIBTA if I ignored my parents “olive branch” after the traumatic birth of my babies?

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Strained Family Ties: A Journey of Healing and Decision

After years of neglect and emotional turmoil, a woman grapples with her parents’ sudden attempt to reconnect following a traumatic birth experience. Despite her husband’s belief that they may be seeking forgiveness, she questions their motives, recalling a history of abandonment during her most vulnerable moments. This relatable struggle highlights the complexities of familial relationships and the challenge of reconciling past pain with the desire for closure. As she navigates this emotional landscape, readers are left to ponder the boundaries of forgiveness and the importance of self-preservation.

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: Navigating Parental Relationships

A 30-year-old woman reflects on her complicated relationship with her parents, particularly her mother, and the impact it has had on her life and marriage. Here’s a summary of her story:

Background: The woman has been with her husband for 12 years and married for 7. She had a strained relationship with her parents, particularly her mother, due to her mother’s neglectful behavior during her childhood.
Childhood Responsibilities: At the age of 8, she was responsible for caring for her younger siblings while her mother was disengaged, leading to feelings of resentment and abandonment.
Cutting Ties: The relationship deteriorated further when she fell seriously ill 11 years ago. Despite her hospitalization, her parents did not reach out, leading her to go no contact (NC) with them.
Wedding Tension: When she and her husband got engaged, they invited her parents, but they did not respond or attend the wedding. Subsequent attempts at communication were met with indifference.
Recent Events: After a traumatic pregnancy and the premature birth of her twins, her parents reached out via social media. This unexpected contact raised questions about their motives, especially given their previous lack of support during significant life events.
Conflict with Husband: The woman’s husband believes her parents may be trying to make amends and encourages her to accept their friend request. This has led to disagreements between them.
Trust Issues: The woman is skeptical about her parents’ intentions, fearing they may be seeking attention rather than genuinely wanting to reconnect.
Therapeutic Insights: The couple has been working with a therapist to address underlying issues, including the husband’s role as a parental figure and the complexities of the woman’s family dynamics.
Future Considerations: The woman contemplates the possibility of reconnecting with her father if he were to separate from her mother, but remains firm in her decision to keep her children away from her mother.
Final Decision: After discussing the situation with her husband and reflecting on the feedback from others, she decided to block her parents and maintain NC, focusing instead on supporting her family during their NICU journey.

This story highlights the challenges of family drama and the importance of conflict resolution in navigating complex relationships. The woman’s journey emphasizes the need for boundaries and the significance of prioritizing emotional well-being in the face of past trauma.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

My 30F and my husband 38M have been together for 12 years, married for 7.

I had a strained relationship with my parents in their late 60s prior to meeting my husband, due to my mother’s behavior and my father’s non-action against it. Some examples for context: My father went away for his work for about 6 months when I was 8. My mother didn’t do any of the motherly duties and relied on me to care for my younger siblings.

Aside from taking us to school, she didn’t do homework, cook us dinner, or wash our clothes; my dad did all this before he went away. At 8, I was making sandwiches for my siblings while my mum would read her book in the bath. I would put them to bed and would make sure they had clean clothes as we were being picked on for being the dirty kids.

We went NC about 11 years ago when I became seriously unwell, spending 2 weeks in intensive care, followed by a further 5 weeks in the hospital. My parents didn’t contact me once—they knew, as my now-husband called them. They didn’t visit, call, or text, but posted on social media about how devastated they were with the situation, acting like the most caring parents in the world.

When my husband and I got engaged, we sent invitations to our wedding to them, with no response. They didn’t attend. My husband reached out to my father shortly after we got married when I found I was expecting.

The response was lackluster, along the lines of “I hope you’re both happy,” but nothing more. There was no contact after that, nor when we had our second child. Recently, we had a very traumatic pregnancy and birth, with my babies arriving 3 months early with major complications.

Two weeks after the birth, I received contact from my parents in the form of a Facebook request and a message saying, “long time, no speak,” which I have not responded to. We speak to numerous members of the family, so I imagine they have heard what’s happened. I don’t know what to do; I don’t understand why they would reach out now when I’ve had many major life events in the interim: wedding, birth of first and second child, graduating university, etc.

I can only imagine it’s similar to when I was in the hospital and all about attention or what they can say on social media. I don’t trust their motives at all. My husband and I are at odds over this, though—he believes they may have realized the error in their ways and are trying to make amends.

It’s causing arguments because he thinks I should accept the friend request and what he perceives as an olive branch. I genuinely don’t know what to do. WIBTA if I block them and remain NC, knowing this will probably be it until they die?

EDIT

Hi all, thank you for all your comments so far—I didn’t anticipate this blowing up so much. With regard to my husband’s age, yes, he’s 7 years older than me—we got together when I was nearly 19 and he had just turned 26. There was no grooming or any other perverted situation surrounding us.

He does take on a bit of a parental figure at times, and this is something we have been working on for 8 years with the help of a therapist. For more context, my husband isn’t keen for me to reconnect with my mother. His intentions are my dad.

He agrees our children should never have any contact with my mother, nor would he ever push for us to speak. His view is that my dad is a victim as much as I am—that he’s trapped in an abusive relationship—and to some extent, I agree, which is where my indecision comes from. If my parents divorced and went NC with each other, I would probably look to reconnect with my father on a LC basis without children involved.

I will show my husband the responses when he gets back from work. For those who asked about the babies, they’re still in NICU and more than likely will be for the next couple of months. They’re doing well, all things considered, and are stable now.

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.

UPDATE

So, I did what many of you suggested and sat down and showed my husband this post and all the responses. It opened up a conversation about my past, which for the most part, I’ve been fairly guarded about—it upsets me, and like in this post, he knew the highlights, but I never really liked delving too deep as it upset me.

I’ve always tried to avoid sitting in my feelings as it gets me nowhere, so my husband has never fully known the extent of what we went through as kids. He has promised again that he will never contact them, and for those who suggested it, he was not in contact with them prior to this, and that should they reach out to him, he will not respond unless that’s what I want.

He has accepted he was wrong in his views and apologized to me profusely for pushing me on this—but these responses have opened my eyes and his to the fact my father was complicit in our upbringing, something which will be taken away and discussed with my therapist. For those of you who offered support and kind words, thank you.

For those who have thrown ridiculous insinuations about my husband—piss off with your perfect lives. I’ve deleted the message and blocked them and will be continuing NC, and I doubt I will ever revisit that scenario.

For now, we will be focusing on supporting each other during our NICU stage and, in the hopefully near future, our completed family all together at home.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) is not at fault (NTA) for wanting to maintain no contact with their abusive parents. Many users emphasize that the husband is projecting his own feelings and lacks understanding of the trauma OP has endured, suggesting that he should support OP’s decision rather than push for reconciliation. Overall, the comments highlight the importance of prioritizing OP’s well-being and the belief that the parents’ past behavior warrants continued estrangement.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Navigating complex family dynamics can be incredibly challenging, especially when past trauma and emotional wounds are involved. Here are some practical steps for both the woman and her husband to consider in resolving their conflict while prioritizing emotional well-being.

For the Woman (OP)

Reflect on Your Feelings: Take time to journal or meditate on your feelings regarding your parents. Understanding your emotions can help clarify your boundaries and the reasons behind your decisions.
Communicate Your Boundaries: Clearly express to your husband why maintaining no contact with your parents is essential for your mental health. Use “I” statements to convey your feelings without placing blame.
Seek Professional Guidance: Continue working with your therapist to explore your feelings about your parents and your husband’s perspective. This can provide a safe space to discuss your concerns and feelings.
Consider Gradual Reconnection: If you feel open to it, think about setting small, controlled boundaries for communication with your parents. This could involve limited interactions or specific topics to discuss, allowing you to gauge their intentions without fully reopening the relationship.
Focus on Your Family: Prioritize your immediate family’s needs, especially during the NICU journey. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who respect your boundaries.

For the Husband

Listen Actively: Make an effort to listen to your wife’s experiences and feelings without judgment. Acknowledge her pain and the impact of her parents’ actions on her life.
Educate Yourself: Read about the effects of childhood trauma and neglect. Understanding the psychological impact can help you empathize with your wife’s perspective.
Support Her Decisions: Instead of pushing for reconciliation, support your wife’s choice to maintain no contact. Reassure her that her feelings are valid and that you are there for her.
Encourage Open Dialogue: Create a safe space for your wife to express her thoughts and feelings about her parents. This can help both of you navigate the complexities of her family dynamics together.
Consider Couples Therapy: If disagreements persist, couples therapy can provide a neutral ground for both of you to express your feelings and work towards a mutual understanding.

Conclusion

Resolving family conflict, especially in the context of past trauma, requires patience, empathy, and open communication. By taking these practical steps, both the woman and her husband can work towards understanding each other’s perspectives while prioritizing emotional well-being and family unity.