AITA For Letting My Husband Do Most Of The Work Outside Of Childrearing?

AITA for letting my husband do most of the work outside of childrearing?

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

New Parents, Old Arguments: A Struggle for Balance

In a heated clash between a new mother and her husband, the couple grapples with the challenges of parenthood and shared responsibilities. As they navigate the complexities of caring for their three-month-old daughter, tensions rise over household chores and property management duties. With both partners feeling overwhelmed, this relatable story highlights the often-unseen labor of parenting and the struggle for equitable partnerships in a marriage. Can they find common ground, or will their differing perspectives tear them apart?

Family Drama Over Household Responsibilities and Baby Care

A 33-year-old woman (referred to as OP) shares her experience regarding a conflict with her husband (34M) that has escalated into a significant family drama. The couple has been together for ten years and recently welcomed their first child, a three-month-old baby girl. The following points summarize the situation:

Division of Chores: Prior to pregnancy, OP and her husband had an equal division of household chores. However, during her pregnancy, OP experienced severe morning sickness and limited mobility, leading to a shift in responsibilities.
Current Responsibilities: Since the baby’s arrival, OP has been primarily focused on caring for their daughter while on maternity leave. Her husband helps by watching the baby for a few hours each night, washing pump parts, and occasionally holding the baby.
Additional Workload: OP’s husband manages eight investment properties and deals with various tenant issues, which consumes a significant amount of his time outside of his day job.
Property Management Agreement: Both OP and her husband purchased investment properties in the same building. They agreed that he would manage both properties, including furnishing and decorating them.
Conflict Over Decor: As the properties neared readiness for tenants, OP fell behind on purchasing home decor items. Her husband expressed frustration over the delays and accused her of contributing less to household chores since becoming pregnant.
Escalation of Tension: The couple had a heated argument, with accusations flying from both sides. OP’s husband claimed she was ungrateful and taking advantage of his support, while OP felt overwhelmed by the demands of caring for a newborn.
Disagreement on Baby Care: OP’s husband suggested that she handle all baby-related duties independently, believing this would relieve him of the burden. OP disagreed, arguing that a baby requires immediate attention and that the rental income from properties could wait.

As the couple navigates this conflict, they face challenges in communication and understanding each other’s perspectives. OP is left questioning whether she is indeed taking advantage of her husband or if their current arrangements should continue. The situation highlights the complexities of new parenthood, the division of labor in a relationship, and the importance of conflict resolution in maintaining a healthy partnership.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story: Throwaway account for privacy reasons.

I 33F have been together with my husband 34M for 10 years now, married for 4 of them. We are new parents to our beautiful 3-month-old baby girl. Our house chores have always been divided somewhat equally – I cook, he does dishes, he hangs the laundry, I fold and keep them, he vacuums the floors, I clean the toilet, etc.

However, this all stopped after I got pregnant due to my horrible morning sickness in the 1st trimester, followed by my limited mobility in the subsequent trimesters. I stopped cooking, but whenever we get takeouts, he still does the dishes. I also stopped cleaning the toilets. Really, the only thing I continued to do is fold the laundry and put clean dishes back to their racks.

Now that the baby is here, I’ve been more occupied than ever caring for her, even though I’m still on maternity leave and will continue to be for the next 3 months. Although I care for the baby full time, he still watches her for a few hours every night so I could get some shuteye. Plus, he washes my pump parts maybe 80% of the time, as well as holds the baby for 15 minutes or so throughout the day while I eat, shower, or use the bathroom.

Besides my husband’s office day job, he works hard on his side income, managing 8 investment properties and up to 30 tenants at any point in time. These tenants regularly leave when their tenancy ends or have some kind of issue, e.g., forgetting their keys, plumbing issues, electrical issues, and he therefore spends a lot of his off-work hours fixing their issues or looking for replacement tenants. Now, we each bought an investment property located within the same building; it’s a condo, and it was recently completed and handed over to us a month ago.

Even though one of the properties belonged to me, we understood from the get-go that he would be managing my property on my behalf since he’s great at property management, and, well, I suck at it. Since the plan is to rent these properties out, he has been furnishing the houses – sofa, TV cabinet, dining tables, beds, wardrobes, etc. He asked if I could help to look into the nitty-gritty stuff like home decorations since I typically love decorating homes. I agreed as I didn’t feel like I had much of a choice.

Well, the property is almost completely ready to be tenanted now, but I’ve been behind on the home decor items. I’d say I’ve bought about half the things that needed to be bought, but am still hunting for a few more things. To make matters more difficult, he has also occasionally commented on what kind of decor he’d like to see in the homes – specific vases, rugs, etc., and so I’d then have to look up those things to procure.

Fast forward to today, and we got into a huge fight, screaming and shouting profanities in front of our 3-month-old baby. He thinks I’m too behind in getting the decor done and brought up the fact that I’ve also been contributing less to household chores ever since I got pregnant. He called me ungrateful and thinks that I’ve been taking advantage of him for pushing more household chores towards him, plus making him watch the baby for a few hours every night, all while he’s handling the furnishings and fittings for the new properties as well as juggling his 30 tenants for his existing investment properties and a day job.

He says he’s lacking sleep due to the few hours of watching the baby every night while having to wake up at about 9-9:30 am on weekdays for his office job. By comparison, all I do is, in his words, “stare at my baby all day long.” The thing is, having a baby is a real handful – I’m either trying to entertain her or soothe her fussiness all day long.

I carry her a lot because she’s otherwise difficult to calm, and my husband thinks I should “just put the baby down.” I’ve tried, but the baby won’t stop crying when I put her down, and as a first-time mom, it’s pretty hard to endure the cries of your own baby. I keep trying to guess what she needs – a feed, a diaper change, a burp… and I don’t always end up figuring it out.

Every time I hand my husband the baby, he tries to put her down within 5 minutes, but then he also ends up carrying her when she won’t stop crying or fussing. Now we’re still in a huge fight, and he has suggested I try to do everything baby-related by myself without him since I’ve been taking advantage of his kindness. He wants to be completely rid of baby duties at all times of the day, meaning he won’t even wash bottles or hold the baby for a few minutes while I eat or shower.

If I can handle the baby myself, he’ll fully take over all that needs to be done for our properties, and he suggested we’ll be happier this way. I think this is a horrible idea since a baby has immediate needs that need tending to, while missing out on the properties’ rental income for a couple of months won’t exactly put us on the streets. So, AITA for wanting our arrangements to continue? Am I really taking advantage of my husband since “all I do is sit around and stare at the baby” while he juggles a full-time job, a few investment properties, and partially helps with baby stuff?

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) is the asshole (YTA) for not contributing equally to household responsibilities while managing a newborn. Many users emphasize that the husband is juggling multiple jobs and household chores, while OP is primarily focused on the baby, leading to an imbalance in their relationship. The comments suggest that OP should seek help, such as hiring a cleaner or property manager, and engage more actively in shared responsibilities to alleviate the stress on her husband.

Verdict: YTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

Navigating the challenges of new parenthood can be overwhelming, especially when it comes to balancing household responsibilities. Here are some practical steps for both OP and her husband to consider in order to resolve their conflict and foster a healthier partnership:

For OP:

Open Communication: Schedule a calm and honest conversation with your husband. Share your feelings about the overwhelming nature of caring for a newborn and express your desire to find a solution together.
Assess Your Contributions: Reflect on your current contributions to household responsibilities. Acknowledge the areas where you may be falling short and be open to discussing how you can improve.
Seek Help: Consider hiring a cleaner or a property manager to alleviate some of the burdens. This can free up time for both you and your husband to focus on your baby and each other.
Set Realistic Goals: Create a list of household tasks and prioritize them. Work together to set achievable goals that take into account both your current responsibilities and your husband’s workload.

For the Husband:

Empathy and Understanding: Acknowledge the physical and emotional toll that caring for a newborn can take on OP. Validate her feelings and express your support for her during this challenging time.
Share the Load: Discuss ways to divide baby care duties more equitably. Consider setting specific times when you can take over baby duties to give OP a break and allow her to contribute to other household tasks.
Communicate Your Needs: Clearly express your feelings about the household responsibilities and the stress of managing properties. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory, such as “I feel overwhelmed when I have to manage everything alone.”
Be Flexible: Understand that the demands of parenthood can change daily. Be willing to adjust your expectations and responsibilities as needed to support each other.

Joint Steps:

Regular Check-Ins: Establish a routine for regular check-ins to discuss how each of you is feeling about the division of labor and any adjustments that may be needed.
Set Boundaries: Create boundaries around work and home life. Designate specific times for family activities, chores, and personal time to ensure both partners feel valued and supported.
Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge and celebrate the efforts each of you makes, no matter how small. This can help foster a positive atmosphere and reinforce teamwork.

By approaching the situation with empathy, open communication, and a willingness to collaborate, both OP and her husband can work towards a more balanced and supportive partnership during this transformative time in their lives.