AITA For Looking Into Divorce Without Trying To Save The Marriage I Never Wanted In The First Place?

AITA for looking into divorce without trying to save the marriage I never wanted in the first place?

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Trapped in Tradition: A Woman’s Struggle for Autonomy

In a deeply religious community, a woman reflects on her decade-long marriage, arranged by her families before she even had a say. As she grapples with the expectations of motherhood and domesticity, she secretly yearns for education and independence, feeling suffocated by her husband’s control and the weight of tradition. With her dreams of a different life clashing against the reality of her situation, she faces the daunting prospect of divorce and the fear of losing her children. This story resonates with anyone who has felt trapped by societal norms and the struggle for personal freedom.

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Story of Unwanted Marriage

A 26-year-old woman reflects on her life, which has been shaped by the expectations of her very religious family and her husband’s family. Here’s a summary of her situation:

Background: The woman was married at 16, a union arranged by both families who had been close for decades. Her husband, slightly older, complied with the arrangement.
Married Life: After marriage, they moved in together. The couple faced challenges, including a miscarriage and a difficult pregnancy before welcoming three children. The woman was expected to be a stay-at-home mom, as both families disapproved of women working.
Personal Struggles: The woman expressed her desire to pursue education, but her husband firmly opposed the idea, insisting she should be content with her role. He also pressured her about having more children, as he came from a large family.
Secret Decisions: Despite her husband’s wishes, she began secretly preventing further pregnancies. She discovered that her husband had discussed adoption with their church bishop, which left her feeling trapped.
Considering Divorce: The woman started contemplating divorce and consulted a divorce attorney. However, she felt unprepared due to her lack of education and work experience, fearing that her husband might gain custody of their children.
Isolation: She felt completely alone, with no family or friends to confide in. Her husband discovered her research on divorce and threatened to inform their families if she pursued it further.
Emotional Conflict: The woman feared that her children might resent her if she chose to leave, yet she felt trapped in a life she never wanted. She had never loved her husband and was uncertain about her future.

In summary, this woman’s story highlights the complexities of family drama, the struggle for personal autonomy, and the challenges of conflict resolution within a rigidly structured life. She grapples with the fear of loneliness and the desire for a life of her own, raising the question: Is she the antagonist in her own story for wanting to break free?

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

I, a 26-year-old female, got married 10 years ago. It wasn’t a choice I made but something my very religious family and my husband’s very religious family set up. We came from the same church, and both families had grown close over the decades.

They had apparently discussed us marrying when I was born, but they waited until I was 16 so I couldn’t say no. He was almost three years older, so he didn’t need his parents’ permission, but he was willing to go along with it. He was always a strict follower of our family’s religion.

After we got married, we moved in together, and it took almost a year for me to get pregnant, but then I miscarried. I got pregnant again a few months later, and our first child was born after a difficult pregnancy. I had two more kids after, and I was expected to be a stay-at-home wife and mom.

My husband and our families do not approve of women working. We’re meant to keep a nice home, raise the children, and take part in church, and that’s supposed to be our whole lives. I’m very unhappy with my life.

About a year ago, I mentioned I might like to study something in school, and my husband said no. He told me I better not let either of our families know I said that. He saw me looking online for night classes a while later, and he told me someone as lucky as me doesn’t need that.

That I have a husband to provide for me and who’s willing. Then he complained because we only had three children while I come from a family of 9 and he comes from a family of 11. I admit I did a lot of research online while I was pregnant with our youngest, and I am secretly preventing more pregnancies.

We already have three, and none of my pregnancies were easy. That doesn’t matter, though. He actually discussed adoption with the bishop of our church and whether we need to start adopting since I no longer produce children.

I found out about it because I was spoken to by someone in our church, and they wanted me to know I would be blessed with a lot more children. A few months ago, I started to seriously consider divorce, and I, again secretly, spoke to a divorce attorney. My biggest issues are my lack of formal education and lack of work experience.

I have never worked, and I never finished school. I could not do that while married. But leaving without a way to support myself could mean my husband, by default, gets custody.

I don’t have any family or friends to speak to. I’m very much alone. And now my husband is aware I have looked it up.

He threatened to tell our families if I ever look it up again, so I have to be careful. But I’m fearing, on top of everything, that my children will hate me if I go ahead with this. And I know I will be fully alone if I do.

But I have never liked or loved my husband, and I never wanted this life that I have. This is all I know.

AITA?

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) is not at fault (NTA) for considering leaving a controlling and abusive marriage. Many users emphasize the importance of seeking help from organizations that support women in similar situations, highlighting the need for autonomy and a fulfilling life. The comments reflect a deep concern for OP’s well-being and the well-being of her children, urging her to take steps towards freedom and self-empowerment.

Overall Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

In navigating the complexities of this situation, it’s essential to approach the conflict with empathy and understanding for both the woman (OP) and her husband. Here are some practical steps to consider for resolving the conflict and moving towards a healthier future:

For the Woman (OP)

Seek Support: Reach out to local organizations that assist women in similar situations. These groups can provide legal advice, emotional support, and resources for education and employment.
Educate Yourself: Consider taking online courses or attending workshops to build skills that can enhance your employability. This will empower you and provide options for your future.
Document Everything: Keep a record of any incidents of control or threats from your husband. This documentation can be crucial if you decide to pursue legal action or custody arrangements.
Explore Counseling: Individual therapy can help you process your feelings and develop a plan for your future. If possible, consider couples counseling to address communication issues, though this may depend on your husband’s willingness to participate.
Plan for Safety: If you decide to leave, create a safety plan that includes a safe place to go, access to funds, and a support network. Ensure your children’s needs are also considered in this plan.

For the Husband

Reflect on Your Actions: Take time to consider how your expectations and control may be impacting your wife’s well-being. Understanding her perspective is crucial for any potential reconciliation.
Open Communication: Encourage honest discussions about both of your needs and desires. Listen actively to your wife’s feelings and concerns without judgment.
Consider Counseling: Individual or couples therapy can provide a safe space to explore underlying issues in your marriage and improve communication skills.
Respect Autonomy: Recognize that your wife’s desire for independence and education is valid. Supporting her in pursuing her goals can strengthen your relationship.
Seek Guidance: Consult with a trusted mentor or religious leader who can provide perspective on the importance of mutual respect and partnership in marriage.

Conclusion

Ultimately, both parties must be willing to engage in open dialogue and seek solutions that prioritize the well-being of everyone involved, especially the children. Whether through separation or reconciliation, the goal should be to foster a healthier, more respectful environment for all.