UPDATE: WIBTA If I Move Out Of Our Apartment Knowing My Fiance And His Mom Can't Afford It Without Me

UPDATE: WIBTA If I move out of our apartment knowing my fiance and his mom can’t afford it without me

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

When Boundaries Are Crossed: A Woman’s Fight for Independence

In a tumultuous living situation with her soon-to-be ex-fiancé and his overbearing mother, a woman grapples with feelings of resentment and self-doubt as she realizes she’s been taken advantage of. After receiving tough love from online commenters, she decides to reclaim her autonomy by setting firm boundaries and planning her exit strategy. This relatable story highlights the struggle many face when balancing relationships with family dynamics, especially in a culture that often prioritizes familial obligations over personal happiness.

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Tough Decision

In a recent situation involving family drama and wedding tension, a woman found herself living with her soon-to-be ex-fiancé and his mother. After receiving overwhelming feedback from an online community, she decided to confront the issues head-on.

Background: The woman had been living with her fiancé and his mother, who had moved in after a divorce. She felt taken advantage of and was unhappy with the living situation.
Community Support: After posting her story online, she received a mix of supportive and harsh comments that helped her realize the extent of her situation and the need for change.
Confrontation: She managed to have a private conversation with her fiancé, despite his mother’s attempts to tag along. This discussion was crucial for her to express her feelings about the living arrangement and her dissatisfaction.

During the conversation, she highlighted several key points:

Unhappiness: She explained how the situation was affecting her work and overall well-being, as she was forced to work in a cramped space.
Financial Contributions: She reminded him that she had been paying the majority of the rent, despite the fact that there were now three people living in the apartment.
Mother’s Behavior: She reiterated her discomfort with how his mother treated her, emphasizing that it was unacceptable.

After laying out her concerns, she made a decisive choice:

Moving Out: She informed her fiancé that she would be moving out before the end of the month and would only contribute a minimal amount to the rent moving forward.
Future Responsibilities: She explained that since they were both on the lease, she would still be responsible for her share of the rent until she officially moved out.
Work Arrangements: To avoid further conflict, she planned to work elsewhere during the day until her move, utilizing a friend’s space.

Her fiancé reacted poorly, expressing surprise at her decision and concern for his mother. He seemed to believe that she should prioritize his mother’s needs over her own. This led to a discussion about their relationship, where she stated that she needed space and would reconsider their future after some time apart.

Next Steps: She urged him to inform his mother about the situation, as it was not her responsibility to do so. She planned to start moving her belongings soon.
Contingency Plans: If the situation escalated, she had considered temporary housing options to ensure her safety and comfort.

Ultimately, she felt relieved to have mentally and emotionally distanced herself from the situation. She looked forward to the upcoming changes and was prepared for any potential fallout from her fiancé and his mother.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story Update

I posted here last week about the situation I’m in living with my soon-to-be ex-fiancé and his mom. If anyone is interested, the original post is here.

I started off trying to reply to everyone’s comments and keep up, but honestly, I just got completely overwhelmed with all the comments. First off, I want to thank everyone for their feedback and comments, even the ones that were kind of harsh. Actually, probably especially the ones that were kind of harsh.

I really needed some tough love to make me realize that I was letting my soon-to-be ex and his mom take advantage of me. The more comments I read, the more pissed off I got. Honestly, I think I’m more pissed at myself for allowing this to happen and not advocating for myself more.

This past weekend, I got my soon-to-be ex alone so we could talk, which was actually harder than it should have been because his mom always tries to tag along when we do anything. Going through all the comments everyone left and the PMs people sent really helped me decide how to approach this. It also brought up a lot of good questions I should have thought of myself.

Back to the discussion with the ex – I wanted to give him one more chance to pick us over his mom, not because I thought he would, but I just wanted to be able to tell myself I gave him the opportunity. I explained again how unhappy I am with the situation, how it’s affecting my work because of her constant interruptions, and just being unhappy and uncomfortable that I’m forced to work out of a corner in our bedroom. I reminded him that until a few months ago, I was paying the majority of the rent, and being that I make so much more than him, it’s really my salary that keeps us all afloat.

I also brought up, again, the way she treats me and talks to me. He replied the same way he has been; he agrees it’s not right how she acts and that it’s really uncomfortable for us all. I don’t care if she’s uncomfortable.

Previously, I would have dropped it there. But this time, I told him how angry and disappointed I was that he let me pay for 23% of the rent when she first moved in and how unfair it was that I’m still paying for half when there are three people living there and she is the only one with her own bedroom. It was the same story; she has to conserve money since she doesn’t have any income currently.

This brought up the question of where all her stuff went when she moved and what money she uses for incidentals. Evidently, when she got divorced, she asked for the divorce after my ex went off to college. It doesn’t sound like her ex-husband wanted the divorce; his dad bought her out of the equity in their house. My ex didn’t have any idea how much that was or how much is left.

But until she moved here, she was working full-time as a teacher and living in a small apartment, so she should not have had to tap into the divorce settlement money very much. Other than that, my ex didn’t have much insight into her finances other than what she told him about having to conserve money.

I told him straight up that I’m moving out before the end of the month. From now on, I’m only paying 25% of the rent because, as some of the commenters pointed out, she has a whole bedroom while I have to share with a man-child. She should have to pay twice as much, and after I move out, I’m not paying for anything else – no utilities, no food, nothing other than rent.

I have a pretty good idea of what his finances are like, and if he has to pay 75% of the rent all by himself, it’s going to take a huge chunk of his net income. After he pays utilities and buys groceries, there won’t be anything left for incidentals. Rent was due on the 1st, but it’s not late until after the 5th, so he has two days to come up with the rent. If he doesn’t come up with it and I end up covering, then I’ll reduce the amount I pay in future months.

The only reason I’m going to keep paying any of the rent is that even after I move out, I’m still on the hook. I talked to the leasing office, and they explained that since my ex and I signed a single rental agreement together (e.g., one contract we both signed as opposed to two contracts we sign individually), we are both responsible for the rent. They don’t care who actually pays as long as it gets paid.

The only alternative would be if he agrees to sign a new lease by himself or together with his mom. But in all likelihood, he wouldn’t be able to pass the credit check on his own, so I’m kind of stuck. I don’t think he’ll do anything stupid, though, because he’s going to need to find someplace to live after this, and a collection on his credit report wouldn’t be good.

I also told him that I’m going to find someplace to work during the day until I move so she can’t bother me. My friend I’m moving in with said I could work there during the day since she and her current roommate have in-person 9-5s. I took her up on that for now.

After living with his mom, I’m not about to overstay my welcome, so I’m going to find some other options that I can rotate through. Someone suggested checking out the public library, or if it comes to it, I’ll get a membership at one of those WeWork kind of places. Just in case, I brought my important papers, files, and valuables, and my friend is storing them for me until I move in.

He really didn’t take it well. The surprising thing to me is that he was surprised by everything. He seemed really shocked that I wasn’t prioritizing his mom.

I really got the feeling that he sincerely believed I wanted to take care of her as much as him, and he kept saying stuff like, “What about my mom? What am I going to tell her? That’s how she is, but we still need to help her,” etc.

He asked about our relationship and the engagement. I told him that after I move out, I need some space from him. In a few months, when we’ve both had some time and space to process what happened, if we both agree, we can talk about the relationship.

But he’d have to prove that he’s going to have my back going forward and will set boundaries with his mom. I told him that just to avoid more drama, but I don’t see a future in which we are together.

I told him he needs to tell his mom because she’s not my responsibility or problem, and she’ll know something’s up when I start moving my stuff out. He hasn’t told her what’s going on yet, but this weekend I’m going to start moving things, so he doesn’t have much time.

My friend’s current roommate starts a new job in another state on the 3rd, so in

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong support for the original poster (OP) in prioritizing their own well-being over a problematic relationship. Many users criticize the boyfriend for his inability to set boundaries with his mother, suggesting that the OP has made the right decision to move on. Overall, the comments emphasize the importance of self-advocacy and recognizing unhealthy dynamics in relationships.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Conflict within family dynamics, especially during significant life events like weddings, can be incredibly challenging. Here are some practical steps for both the original poster (OP) and her fiancé to consider in resolving their issues while maintaining respect for each other’s feelings.

For the Original Poster (OP)

Prioritize Self-Care: Continue focusing on your mental and emotional well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation during this transition.
Establish Clear Boundaries: Clearly communicate your boundaries with your fiancé regarding his mother’s involvement in your life. This will help prevent future misunderstandings.
Seek Support: Lean on friends and family for emotional support. Consider talking to a therapist to process your feelings and gain perspective on the situation.
Plan Your Next Steps: As you prepare to move out, create a detailed plan for your new living situation. This will help you feel more secure and organized during the transition.
Reflect on the Relationship: Take time to evaluate your relationship with your fiancé. Consider what you need from him moving forward and whether those needs can be met.

For the Fiancé

Reflect on Your Priorities: Take time to consider the balance between your relationship with your mother and your relationship with your fiancé. Recognize that both are important but may require different boundaries.
Communicate Openly: Initiate a calm and honest conversation with your fiancé about her feelings and your own. Acknowledge her concerns and express your own without placing blame.
Set Boundaries with Your Mother: It’s crucial to establish boundaries with your mother to protect your relationship. Discuss with her the importance of allowing you and your fiancé to have your own space.
Consider Couples Counseling: If both parties are open to it, seeking couples counseling can provide a safe space to address underlying issues and improve communication.
Support Your Fiancé’s Decision: Respect her choice to move out and give her the space she needs. This can demonstrate your willingness to prioritize her well-being and the health of your relationship.

Conclusion

Conflict resolution in family dynamics requires empathy, communication, and a willingness to change. By taking these steps, both the OP and her fiancé can work towards a healthier relationship, whether that means reconciling or moving on. Remember, prioritizing your well-being is essential for a fulfilling life.